I don’t know why it happened, but I had a slight case of raging insanity last night. It doesn’t make any sense. I had eaten, run, and taken a nap before we got there. I was upbeat about hanging out for his birthday. I bought him the present I thought he could use, and would like. It was set up to be a good evening. But when we walked in something felt very wrong to me. I can’t put my finger on it, but there was a trigger of some sort and I started to get scared. Of what? I have no idea. But I get angry when I get scared and the anger started to bubble up more and more. The smoke started to make me nauseous, and all I wanted was cool fresh air without the constant hum of human voices. I think I was on the verge of a panic attack but we left before it could get full-blown. I made my apologies with everyone looking at me funny, including David. No one would have really heard me over the blaring music, but I tried to let everyone know it wasn’t them; it was me. I blamed it on the smoke (I am trying, and succeeding at quitting smoking and brought Blow Pops as a deterrent), and made a quick escape with David wondering if it was him. It wasn’t. It’s me and I felt really crazy. Then I got mad at myself for being crazy, and it all went downhill from there.
We got home before midnight. David asked me what was going on. It’s not like me to leave before free drinks are up and before I get a chance to dance. But I couldn’t articulate what was going on in my head. I blamed it on a million things, but the truth is I freaked out and I don’t know why.
Wearing my pj’s at work again. I am still disturbed by my behavior last night. But, I had a nice lunch with Paul at Bravissimo’s (of course), and am sitting at work in a relatively good mood. I have a lot to do in the way of homework this weekend, but I hope if I get enough of it done that maybe we can go out. In my future I see a trip to the library and a quick ride down to Vespa of Orlando to talk to Josh about Maru.
I think I need a nap. Or more coffee.
