Moody Meow

After thought and consideration, I’ve decided that this site needs some honesty. I started blogging to find my own voice and I swim in the darker corners of myself in order to understand my own inner workings. If that elucidates a response from strangers and the known participants in my life - then that’s just groovy. But there’s been an unhealthy dose of self-censoring. I’ve worried myself into silence in order to protect you and you and you. The cost has been to myself. I find that I utter “But I thought you knew… (insert text here).” And when you come back at with me with “You never told me!” I feel like a shit head. I feel like I’ve been hiding something, and I realize I’ve been hiding my own feelings.

I‘ve got this problem with feeling everything. All of it. The good, the bad (and the bad is mighty fierce) and the ugly. You and you and you are probably scared of me. It seems a lot of people are. Not that I am going to fly off the handle and kick your ass, and hopefully not that I am going to hurt your feelings. But you are scared none-the-less and I can’t figure out why. My ferocity doesn’t come at the expense of your feelings. I am overly concerned about those around me. But I am fierce. It is how I exist.

I am ripe with change. The precipice looms and all I have to do is strap on a parachute and jump. those that come with me will enjoy the view. Those that don’t will never know that they missed in not risking themselves. I don’t want to leave you and you and you behind, know that much.

So how does this translate to Moody Meow? In terms of the site, beyond posts about work, I am not going to make any of them, and please understand this - any of them - private. I’m awful at hiding my feelings in person and to do so in this digital world goes against the grain for me. When I am manic and full of illogical rage, you will hear about it. When I am amused at my own folly, you may read that as well. When I doubt the substance of friendship and family, you are going to be witness to that. All of the things that make me Erica are going to be here, because they are there in person as well. This silence and retreat was as much about trying to figure out my own misery (because I know for a fact that it wasn’t my manic-depression) as it was about planting my feet and ceasing my backwards motion.

It came to me, just yesterday, that my withdrawal may have hurt some feelings. I honestly didn’t think about how my retreat would affect those around me. It was better for most that I did what I did when I did it. Understand that I never meant to offend or hurt you and you and you. I admit to being a monster sometimes, and recently I’ve had to come to terms with the more interesting aspects of myself. But if you listen to me for a moment, and really see me, not the seeming banality of my life, you would see that there are tempestuous waters beneath the pinched smile. But I am back, pinched smile and all. I need to make some phone calls I’ve been putting off, and come back to the real world. That’s my responsibility, but give me time to do it.

I ask that you fear me less. I promise to work on making me a better person. But also understand that there are reasons that I feel what I feel. Perception is the key to all relationships. I know you and you and you aren’t in my skin and won’t be able to fathom all of the choices I make. But there is sanity there, I swear it. And I hope you and you and you come with me on this journey. If you’ve got the strength to jump, I’ve got the parachute