Moody Meow

I’m taking it in stride, the emotional, scholarly and physical challenges that have been cropping up. I don’t trust anything right now. School is fucking with my head (I ran out of money from the Stafford loan and have to borrow additional monies outside of school) and the continue limbo with my grade really makes me feel like I’m failing somehow. I’ve slacked before and I never took that Humanities class seriously, but now I think that even if I had, the grade would have been the same. Then there are the physical challenges. My back is pissing me off. After 2 solid days of rest, I feel a lot better, but you would be amazed how disabled you feel when your back really, truly hurts. I knew I was fucked when it hurt just above my tailbone. Ouch times 100. As a result, no running (except on Monday) no walking and no workouts. Pisses me off. And finally the emotional stress. It’s hard to realize that someone you trusted implicitly turns out to be a stranger. I’ve really thought things out over the last few weeks, but when I tell anyone the story, especially to my family, of what happened on the trip to Chicago, I am met with all kinds of disbelief. I don’t care what the other parties have said. Honestly, they are dead to me now. But that kind of action really shakes you up a bit. I’ve hesitated in talking about it because I realized that other people are involved in the degradation of this relationship on the fringes. This is not about bringing them into these feelings. What I am doing is expressing myself. I am pissed. I am hurt. I am amazed. And being left in Gainesville, while hallucinating, really unbalanced the trust I had for others. I really talked to my friends, re-examined them as individuals. There are some things that make me crazy. Some quirks and habits that make me want to scream. But then I put it in this context. Would they leave me in Gainesville in the middle of the night? It’s amazing how that question brings clarity and makes me appreciate those who are in my life. I realized this week that I’ve been kind of shitty to some of you. That I’ve not behaved as friends should, and I am very very sorry.

I want to find balance again. I miss school and the insane structure I find in my classes. I miss my family (specifically siblings…my parents are just too fucked for words) and I look forward to living near my sister again. There are so many things out there that I took for granted. Hopefully this week is the end of the bad shit that’s plagued me since before my birthday (we can call this the 4 weeks of hell). I am feeling better now, both physically and emotionally. D once told me that every day is a choice. It is. Today I am choosing to go to Pei Wei with D, and then to call my sister tonight. I am going to try out the Lush products I ordered (they are very….uhm…pungent) and I am going to bed early. And if I am very very lucky, then tomorrow will be better than today. And that, my friends, is a marked improvement.