I went back to the headshrinker on Monday. I must say, her assistant is adorable. She has a whispery voice and an easy smile, and I saw the peek of a tattoo as her sleeve rode up on her shoulder. She told me later, as I left, that she has a full back piece of a phoenix. I always smile when I hear about “normal” people with remarkable tattoos.

But back to the Dr. I’ve been very honest with her about my moods, what I was feeling, that I had started drinking and smoking again and that I was quitting for the millionth time. She believes, and I agree, that I am mostly balanced.  The moods still swing and waver, but I have enough space to understand why I feel what I feel. We decided to err on the side of response rather than a complete eradication of my mood disorder. There’s a reason for this. I fear the complete abortion of my moods swings will disconnect me from my muse. She’s small these days, and terrified. I need emotions to feel her. Need space to be just a little off kilter. It’s a manageable amount and I am willing to risk a little pain for the sensation that drives my writing.

I told my Doc that I had a blog and that I write about my illness. She surprised me with the brightness of her smile. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed about my bipolar, and she was impressed at my journey to frank conversation. Then she told me about a few of her difficult patients, specifically one who suffered through multiple angles of treatment without telling the Doc that there was a cocaine problem in addition to her mood disorder. The Doc knows about my drug-laden past. Self-medication through narcotics is a pretty common occurrence among those with a mood disorder. It’s just the wrong way to fix things. I had to really stumble into the depths of madness before I quit doing hard drugs and got help. But I’ve been helped, and I couldn’t be happier. 

So, the reason for this post. I am now on a bi-yearly schedule to visit the Doc. We are both confidant that I am to the point where I can make daily choices about my meds and such that do not require a doctor’s care. She made me promise to sleep when I needed to and to try to keep a workout schedule up and running since that will temper some of the remaining swings (which usually come when I’m hormonal). I will not see her until March, and that makes me feel like I have a great hold on things. With all of the chaos going on in these past few days, I forgot to contemplate this news. I feel better for it.

And we are on day 4 of no smoking. :)  Happiness.