I found myself in the worst manic episode in years and I was embarrassed.

David has seen me swing through it all, the rages, the depressions, but this mania was different. It came on really suddenly and lasted almost 24 hours. I know I rapid cycle, but shit, this was an intense one. Luckily I am aware of the swing, and I try to stabilize myself. But a week without exercise, plus Strongbow and wine, equals an unbalanced Erica.
So we went to coffee with Julie and Matt on Sunday and I felt like I was making a fool of myself. I couldn’t speak properly, stumbling over too many ideas and not enough mouth. We were trying to talk about movies but I found an idea, a thought and rode it out to its incomprehensible conclusion. I felt like they were all staring at me, my mouth going a mile a minute. Staring at my cigarette, which seemed to burn too slowly, I tried to hide my shame. In that state I can’t really control my thoughts nor my words, and I was coming off like a babbling fool. I actually had to concentrate to slow things down. It freaked me out a little. And when I got home, after a large cafe mocha, I took a 2 hour nap. Mania is exhausting, especially when you don’t sleep. I had maybe 3 hours of sleep the night before, engrossed in Diablo II (which plays like a dream on the Powerbook) and just too active in the brain to settle down. Not even the 6 pack of Strongbow could knock me down. Usually I have 3 (yes, I am a cheap date) and I am ready for Dreamland. But I just kept going and going and going and then Sunday I crashed, and I was bummed.
I talked to Mom about it last night. The causes are not always that clear to me, but I do have triggers. PMS = evil evil evil, because I swing and get really angry. But there are other triggers. Booze makes me depressed. Anxiety throws me into mania. And trying to keep it together fully, without any swings, turns out to be worse in the end. She revealed that to me last night and it made sense. The week of the hurricane and the misery of Florida nights without electricity did not allow for my normal moods to function. So, without understanding I was doing it, I held everything tight, no pendulum swaying, just steady and repressed. My brain finally exhaled on Saturday, and the roller coaster moods came back too. But the energy stored released a big ole swing, and I found myself along for the uncomfortable ride.
But, after working out for 2 mornings in a row, getting plenty of sleep and some really lovely time with my man, I find that I feel better. I am still a little blue, for no particular reason, but that will pass. It always does.

I just don’t want to go manic again for a while.