Moody Meow

Liberal, lunatic lassie, with mood swings and foot-in-mouth syndrome

Michelangelo’s Tits

Posted on | October 18, 2006 | 4 Comments

Dawn.jpg

I had to haul ass to Whole Foods last night (yes, I am one of those granola eating hippies) after class. I picked up apples. frozen strawberries and a dessert for D and I. It was a quick trip. I had to get home. I’m female this week, hence, the rush.

Now, before I go on, please look at the boobs on this statue. This is Dawn, part of the Mecici tomb. Michelangelo understood men’s bodies, the musculature and how the skin twisted and shifted wth movement. He didn’t understand boobs. For all of his skill, he couldn’t sculpt breasts. This image is not an isolated example. He put women’s heads on men’s bodies. And if he had to use a female form, he slapped melon breasts upon the chest of a man and called it a woman. They don’t curve, sloping down, culminating at the nipple. Nope. He liked round, conic tits. It’s unnatural. Why this diatribe?  The woman in front of me at the cashier line looked lovely from behind. Muscular legs, a round tush (yes, I ogle women at the grocery store. I like to call it “research” for my writing) and shellacked, straw-colored hair. She wore a black tank top. Her shoulders were tan and freckled. I put here in a size 0, maybe a 2, and if she didn’t have fuck-me heels on, she would have been shorter than me.

Then she turned.

I couldn’t stop staring. They hovered, a round cliff jutting hight from her chest. I think I saw them cast a shadow on the ground below. I really tried to look at my apples, which looked like her boobs. Then I tried to stare at my frozen strawberries as they rolled across the scanner. Berries. Big, fucking berries. My eyes, my poor eyes! So, I said fuck it. I looked and they were horrific. Not only were they over a C cup, she was wearing a push-up bra. For fuck’s sake, woman! They are high enough. And yes, they were very ,very, very high on her chest. It looked like they wanted to eat her collar bone. And if they went that high, then we all know her shoulders were in jeopardy. I imagined that they, those alien boobies, had the power to shift and wiggle where they wanted to.

Thankfully, she walked away, pushing her little cart with celery, honey, and apples. Damn those apples!

The cashier asked how I was doing. I smiled wanly. Then the girl bagging my groceries said “You know, I wonder how much that boob job cost her.”
“I couldn’t help staring!” I felt a blush rush up my neck, and the heat radiated from my cheeks.
“Honey, I saw you looking. I looked to. I mean, how couldn’t you?” We both laughed.
“I wonder if they hurt her back” the cashier asked me. He was blushing. I shrugged
“They hurt my eyes.” Bagger girl announced.
I said goodnight to them both, relieved that booby abomination shocked others. T

Ladies, if you want a boob job, please don’t use Michaelangelo as a model for perfect breasts. He didn’t get it. And neither do many plastic surgeons.

Category: Contemplation, Photo

Comments

4 Responses to “Michelangelo’s Tits”

  1. Frankie
    October 18th, 2006 @ 10:42 am

    You can’t help but stare at a bad boob job. I sometimes wonder if they are caused by Dr’s who don’t know what the hell is going on, or if that was this woman’s interpretation of what good tits look like? For the most part men don’t know what type of boobs they want, its like found art, you don’t know its great until you see it up close and personal. You ask any man and there first statement on a great set is firm and tight, but if you see “Firm and Tight” you will cringe knowing they arent real, or shes an alien. I’ve seen my share of natural, small, large, medium, saggy, fake, super fake etc, and I have to admit I’m a fan of the natural well over the implant. Now there are good Dr’s out there that do a great implant that looks natural and hangs like a real breast should, but when I say fake I mean those god awful stripper jobs that are obviously not real. Those just don’t feel, jiggle, or act as a pillow as they should.

  2. David M
    October 18th, 2006 @ 10:46 am

    I always amused that no matter what, we can usually tell when there has been augmentation, so what’s the point of the surgery, when rather than worrying about small boobs, you now have to explain away augmented boobs.

  3. Master of the T
    October 19th, 2006 @ 12:23 am

    As someone with a **ahem** less endowed chest region…I contemplated surgery somewhere around my early 20′s. A friend suggested that I “try on” a pair before buying them, so she hooked me up with a makeup and costume artist who then created some glued on rubbery boobs. They were sculpted to look “natural” and I tried them out…Aside from the discomfort from the adhesive I felt like a huge fake walking around in public…people looked…and I know they wondered…were they? The biggest telltale is a tiny girl with large breasts…either she hasn’t grown into her breasts yet or they’re fake…then there is the 1% who are that f-ing lucky. I decided against the surgery.

  4. Meow
    October 19th, 2006 @ 8:26 am

    Well, if people want to get boobies, then fine. Go from an A to a B. That’s a natural enough jump. This woman’s breasts looked like a growth. Huge, cantalopes jammed into a push-up bra. Instead of giving her a “womanly” figure, they made her look like a freak.

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