The weekend was too short. I am sure that many people feel that way, but my Sunday felt too colored by blue. D and I tried to combat that by going to the Aloma Cinema and Grill (not a bad place to see a movie!) for a little Casino Royale action. Frankie mentioned the uneven pacing, and I agree. However, Bond ruled the show and kept me enthralled. I was also under whelmed with Vesper Lyn. I love Eva Green when she portrays a heroines with a brooding nature. It’s her smile that bugs me -plastic, pasted on, a cardboard cutout – her lips are perfectly shaped but lack the warmth that a true smile should bring. Bright, green eyes and luminescent pale skin, her beauty is inescapable, until she smiles. If you were curious, Daniel Craig is a spectacular vision of man-flesh. And he plays a twisted Bond. There are many “holy shit” moments, like the intro action scene. Good stuff. I may have to watch it again. Why? Just for fun.

My parents seem to be at an impasse with their relationship. I don’t know if they would be bothered by the fact that I am mentioning it on my blog, but I figure this is my place to contemplate and understand. Their fucked up interactions effect me. I think it’s my right to discuss how I feel about it (end justification). I don’t have much of a relationship with my stepfather. Sometimes I really feel like I am missing out on something special with him, but I don’t think he has room enough in his heart for me. My sister (Alexis) and her family take precedence over everyone else, save his biological daughter. That’s understandable, really. My nephew and my sister spent many hours with the family, and he paid a lot of attention to my nephew and spoiled him rotten. And my stepsister is his only child. I was a dark creature, full of rage and malice, when I lived with my parents, and I idealized the relationship with my Dad — the man my mother divorced. I’m an adult (most of the time) now. My relationship with my mother remains steady. In one hand, she’s one of my closest friends, and on the other, I think she needs the hardest kick in the ass. I have not spoken to my Dad in over ten years, and in those years my stepfather and I never came close to an actual parent/child relationship. I come from a family of deeply flawed personalities. My family hides their drinking and denies the mental illness that marks everyone. Stable they are not. And this comes back to the stepfather and my mother. They’ve been at odds for years, yo-yo-ing between love and loathing. Right now, they are in a shadowy patch, and when I told Mom about graduation in May, she told me that she would be the only one coming, because she’s not inviting him. I feel like I’m going to have to choose between hurting his feelings by not telling him about graduation or have him come and feel the heavy hand of awkward disconnection. It’s a weird place to be. Our wedding highlighted the lack of understanding between us. He told D that we were not close because I still sought a relationship with my Dad and not him. D told him he was full of shit (nicely), and I think that really serves as a perfect sign of his lack of understanding of me. He still thinks that I am 10 and full of rage. My Mom knows differently, but won’t tell him that because they aren’t speaking half of the time. And now, I’m 30, and my parents are putting me in a fucking awkward position. It’s bullshit. But…enough ranting.

Thanksgiving was quiet. D and I went over his Mom’s house, and we were late. I didn’t read the directions on the tofurkey. Oopsie. It took a lot longer than I thought it would, but it tasted damn good. One of his brothers tried a small slice of the tofu. I was surprised when he told me he liked it. We stayed with the family for a short while. They were watching movies and D and I didn’t want to vegitate. On the way home, Cat called. She sounded amazingly happy, immersed in hostess duties and a kitchen full of food. I meant to call her back, but resting got in the way. Then Anne and Will came over for a few beverages and Frankie popped by to share his flan. It was a good day.

We tried to go biking several times throughout the break. I only made it through 16 miles without incident. The first time, I got in my own way. Sometimes I am my worst enemy when it comes to exercise. Red rage nipped at my heels throughout the ride, and I ended up cutting it short, riding home alone. That time by myself helped clear my brain. D tries to be supportive, but I always feel like I am holding him back when we ride together. So, this afternoon, I will ride alone. And when we make it to West Orange again, there will be more spots where he can let loose and I can focus on my endurance. I need to push myself harder with riding – On a similar note, I got up this morning to run. But, my damn Nano was dead. I think I’ve explained that I run to snippets of music, small increments that are supposed to help me build up to an extended run. Without the prompts, I run myself to exhaustion. I walked the beagle boys, since my run was toast. They seemed happy about it. It was foggy this morning, and very quiet. I think the misty air dulled the waking morn, stalling it for a few long moments before the sun burns away all of the mystery. I feel lighter for the walk.

I have finals coming up in the next two weeks. I should be freaking out, but I’ve come to a point of not giving a shit. I know, I know – bad place to be. But, I know all I am going to know right now and there isn’t much that will help pull me into any kind of illuminated, educated state. It’s hard being this close to graduation, because I’ve lost my steam. I’m trying to keep one foot in front of the other. It’s hard.

D and I watched Kinky Boots. Cute film. And the main character, Lola, is played by Chiwetel Ejiofor, the Operative in Serenity (which I’ve seen a million times). It’s hard to keep those two characters separated because they share the same face. I felt the same thing when Hugo Weaving played Mr. Smith and Elrond. One good character, one very bad one. Articulation and how their voices flex further muddy the waters. Once I spent a few moments with the new face, then I can let go of the other one, but it does take a second or two

I am sure I had more things to talk about, but I think I’ve run out of works for today. So, I hope you had a lovely holiday. Now, help me get through this week. I have a feeling it’s going to be a bitch. (have I mentioned that I hate my job?)

Oh - couple things that caught my attention:
No one noticed a man on fire? What does this say about our society?
I am in love with this winery. Well, I’ve never been there, but I love their Zin. I’m more than a little pissed that they won’t ship to Florida. Argh!
Only boys love podcasts? Okay, I’m not trying to discount their numbers, but damn! And I love podcasts.
Down goes the dollar? Why am I not hearing about this on our national news? Fishy, fishy.

Time for more work. Is it 4 yet?