Christmas passed. I kept my phone on silent on purpose. No offense to anyone, but I didn’t feel like talking. This happens every year. I quietly mourn the loss of my idealistic Christmas memorys as they fade further, losing their sharp edges, becoming nothing more than a blurry light in the shadow of my mind. I can’t see the whole tree anymore, but I remember specific ornaments, and Mom’s nativity scene that floated in a sea of glass garland. The smells, I can’t remember them now. The happiness - somehow I feel like I’ve changed the true sensation so it works for my own satisfaction. It’s easier remembering the happier memories, so I’ve turned them all into something shiny, and nothing can dull that. But today, this time of year, right now, I’m not red and green and silver bells chiming. I’m a deep shade of blue, purple at the edges, and far removed from garish lights and Christmas carols. It’s a state of my own doing. I know this. But it doesn’t change that it’s there. I’ve avoided Christmas (and many other commercially exploited holidays) because it’s become about one-upping each other with presents and false wishes. To my mind, the gifts of love and friendship should be given throughout the year, and while I’m not a very good gift giver, I consider my little dinner thingies an explanation of how I feel for those that are in my life. It’s not wrapped with a bow, but it’s something I give nonetheless.

The solution for my blue is a change of tradition. I admitted for the first time, that I want to put up lights next years. Blue lights. No dead pine wreaths or fat, colorful bulbs. Just a little blue, dark and sparkling. And, D and I are going to start a new tradition for Christmas day. At this point, I have no idea what I want to do. Next year we will be in Portland, in a new house near good friends. Perhaps my family will come up, and down (Alexis is in WA and my Mom and brother are in CO). But I won’t hold out much hope for that. Perhaps I should d something outside every Christmas. The outdoors make me happy. Yesterday I spent the evening on the couch, after D’s mother left. Not a healthy thing, but I didn’t have the emotional energy to do anything else. But next year, and every year after that – something new. Something that brings my family closer. Something honest and true and something that isn’t about presents and wasteful wrapping. And I feel better for thinking about it. I really do.

We spent three days straight with D’s family. I love them, but that was a lot of traveling. The pauses remained awkward, but his brother came through with a massive vegetarian cooking book. Expect to be guinea pigs. And cooking for his Mom and Grandmother went well. She showed up way early again, but I finished cooking and took a shower and no one was put out by it.

Due to my poor research skills, I haven’t found a good naked new year’s thingy. They are all expensive. D and I can afford a little pricey, but not obscenely expensive. So, we are at a loss about what to do. What are you doing for New Year’s Eve? For the past few years D and I stuck it out at the casa. But since this is our last New Year’s in Florida, we figured it was  time for something interesting. The planning continues

I am working this week while D is off. He was kind enough to get up this morning and make me breakfast, and I love him for it. But I am going to be working late allt his week. Bully for me.

I hope you have a happy Monday and that you had a nice holiday. It’s back to coffee and work for me.