I know it has to be exhausting to hear my constant whine, and my own plaintive tone irritates bugs me. But I find that I can’t find the space to be calm right now. D and I talked about weaning me off my meds. It sounds like a good idea initially. I feel like I am doing fine most of the time, until moments like right  now. What’s wrong? Nothing I can define clearly, and maybe all of you feel like this, and maybe all of you have a tight knot where your heart should be, and maybe all of you have someone to hold you, but sometimes it just feels too big. If there were words, and I am pretty sure they are out there, I could share with you the core of this, this…… I don’t know what to call it. And maybe you will hate me because I know I won’t edit this. But although I have moments of peaceful clarity, and I can enjoy the coolness that remains in the air, the panic grips me again and I can’t feel anything beyond the squeeze. I don’t mean to complain. Perspective is the ruler for my discontent. I am well fed (too well in many cases…just look at my ass) and well loved. My computer works. My fuzzies are exceedingly spoiled. My husband loves me in spite of all of this. I have a significant part of my family that understands and cares for me. Perspective, yes it is. Why don’t I feel any better?. Although I bleed, I feel responsible for this discontent. Am I truly frightened by the future? Why can’t I focus on my schooling now. I’m afraid that I will fail.  How smoothly can a move go when half of the equation is off, and unable to balance in the face of stress? Why can’t I wash away these questions?

I feel lost. The world is too big. All I want is my bed, my blankets and my family. Rollins usually gives me comfort. I know the paving stones. I  love the smell of the library, and the sound of students typing in the computer lab. Orlando Hall is my favorite building and I have class there tonight, with my favorite professor. I still want to go home. It’s just a mood, I know. But why can’t I take away the squeeze and the fear and why am I about to cry where there’s nothing to cry about?

I want to go home.