Moody Meow

Liberal, lunatic lassie, with mood swings and foot-in-mouth syndrome

My Florida

Posted on | April 12, 2007 | 3 Comments

**this is unedited. Sorry for the clunky writing**
Little creatures swirl around your pillow while you sleep. They stuff cotton in your open mouth, and giggle when you choke on your dreams. With the edges of your paranoia, they tickle your toes and the soft spot on the back of your knee. They giggle when you jerk about, trying to find the bug that isn’t there. The little devils like to transform your loving animals into beasts of hell, and they freak out out when they move on the blankets. They giggle when you try to lob your creature (usually a cat) across the room because you feel like you are being smothered. That, my friends, is how I slept last night. And I think those little devils used a Dremel tool to bore into my sinuses. It’s one week of a pretty decent headache. I’m a little tired of it.

On my way home last night, the gravity of our move really hit me. Last night was a perfect Florida evening – just enough warmth and humidity to make the air feel like a loving blanket, but not enough to smother. The crickets sang, and I heard the bats chirping and swooshing through the air. We have bats at Rollins. They erupt from the rafters at dusk. You’ve never seen anything like it. Well, unless you went to Carlsbad Caverns. Not nearly as impressive at Rollins, but worth noting and enjoying. The steps of Bush Hall glowed just a little under the “antique” lighting and I tried to memorize the shadows that fall on the Bookstore and the sidewalk near the soccer field. It felt quiet, very quiet. Perhaps someone graced me with just a moment to take it all in. My time at Rollins is ending. It’s starting to hurt.

I drove down Virginia, coming home the back way through Winter Park. I started to tear up. I thought about all of the things I wanted to do before we moved, and all those things that I won’t have time to do. A part of me wants to spend as much time with everyone so you don’t forget my face or the sound of my voice, and so you remember that I care. But that’s impossible. My impression, what ever it may be, is as solid as it will ever be. This sounds maudlin, and whiney, I know. But I feel it and it feels valid and it really makes me start to feel sad. There’s so much I am looking forward to in Portland. So much to see, to experience, to taste, to discover. It is all there – waiting.

In the twelve years since I moved to Florida, I’ve seen hurricanes and dead friends. I’ve had addictions and revelations. People brought tears to my eyes, and I scarred a few hearts. I lost my way and found it again. I found my best friend, and rediscovered my family. I become more than just an idea to my birth daughter. I came to terms with my manic depression and feel comfortable in that it is a part of me, but it will never define me. I learned to cherish the truth, and ignore the whispers (in as much as I can). I allowed myself to dream the impossible dream, and took the risks to attain it. I’m not young any more. I’ve had blue, pink, silver, brown, black and white hair. I got my tattoos, got pierced, and became me. Florida is a place I’ve wanted to leave for years, but it is as much a part of me as the chip on my front tooth and scars on my arms.

I’m going to idealize Orlando, Miami, Ft. Lauderdale and all the spaces in between. I’ll shine it up in my memory, forget the stink of the back alleys on South Beach, ignore the bad times. It will be perfection when I remember it. And every time I come back to Florida, I will realize that I can’t come home again. Home’s going to be far away, and if I can get beyond this moment, I’ll try to get beyond the stress of these last few months and enjoy it for what it is. It’s been my home for years. And I think it will always be a part of the home in my heart.

Category: Contemplation, Portland stuff

Comments

3 Responses to “My Florida”

  1. Tea Master Cat
    April 12th, 2007 @ 1:35 pm

    I love you and I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. I would try to give you words to sooth the hurt, but there are none. This is part of the process of letting go and moving on, but you know this already. It’s your turn to go through what so many have before, and what so many will go through again…it takes a couple years and a visit or two to help you through the loss of your rooted ground…but you will grow deep roots again when the place and time is right…and that ideal memory will become a fond place with faults and all. The worst part is the feeling that you will never see certain people again…and then they surprise you and visit and truly stay in touch…and others will inevitably fall away and the pain of that will turn into something else, as the resentment and anger turn into acceptance. You have an amazing adventure before you…enjoy it and try not to let the sadness overwhelm you…and keep your eyes on the target. :)

  2. Claire
    April 12th, 2007 @ 1:56 pm

    You actually made me feel good about living in Florida! Actually, since I have lived here all my life – no matter what people say – I have a soft spot in my heart for all its goods and bads. But Portland will find you in a new frame of mind; you’ll discover new and exciting things to feel happy about. How cool will that be?

  3. Hollie
    April 13th, 2007 @ 9:11 am

    I am going to miss you… But then you are just giving me another reason to travel to the west coast! Now your Florida can come for a visit.

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