I planned on getting a chunk of my writing done today, but last night I had a manic snap…and it lasted until I went to bed sometime after 6 this morning. I figured after dawn hit that I should try to sleep. It didn’t work out well, but because I’m all kinds of sparky right now, I’m not having a problem. Ask me how I am in a day or so when I crash. And this manic snap is not a cooperative one. When I stare at the screen, instead of focus (which I do get sometimes… although not as often as I would wish) I found distractions in the horrific stories of the day and the local coverage of Ikea’s opening on the 25th. YES! IKEA FOR MY BIRTHDAY! How did they know ? *smirk* Okay, so it’s the day after my birthday…who cares. Close enough.

Things here in good ‘ole Portland are strange right now. I waver between the working world and the newness of it all. We went to Powell’s twice this week. I needed books for school, I swear. But it is the greatest bookstore I’ve ever been in. All of the authors I love are there, with old editions and new. I found a book on american slang from the ’50’s. I didn’t buy it. I don’t know what I would use it for yet. Trust me, I’ll find some way to buy it. And everyone here does ride their bikes. Even now, at almost 12, someone rode by, heading home. It’s a great thing to see. Although, I must remind you all — my road is fucking busy. It’s worse than Nebraska, more constant. The upside is that I watch all of the interactions between the cyclists and the drivers. They are pretty patient with each other. The driver vs driver is remarkably different. If you are behind the wheel of a car, then things can get pretty hairy. People don’t drive consistently here. Some speed but LOTS of people crawl. There are less people on cellphones, but there are enough to piss me off. Such is city life.

A few things have come up that I’ve not commented on yet. Personal stuff, but who am I to keep my personal life hidden? I don’t have many secrets, this you should know. And I’m not ashamed to talk about most things. Oh, fuck it. I found out that papa-san (my stepfather) read the blog post from one of my visits to Colorado, when D and I flew out for mom’s 50th. It wasn’t a nice post, to say the least. I was in a bad space, in a very dark place, and feeling uneasy with my relationships with everyone. That post and most of my other ones, are/were written without thought. I don’t edit, and I talk about almost everything I feel. It seems he felt hurt by the post and it was stated to a relative as the reason why he didn’t come or even express interest in coming to my graduation. To say our relationship is okay is being generous. I don’t know who he is or why he is so distant with me. I can only assume that it is the result of our disagreements and disappointments over the years. Add to that - long held resentment for my desire to rekindle a relationship with my father and an inability to communicate - well its not the recipe for a loving relationship. What I find most frustrating and hopeful — his conversations with me. He told me not to subject myself to a career that didn’t involve doing what I love to do — that I should not compromise on that and to fight for a job that fulfills me. It felt wonderful when he said that. It felt like he really got me. I hoped that conversation would be the beginning of something bigger, but it wasn’t. It was just a nugget, a spark. But it is what I will keep with me now. Things between my parents have been mostly crap for years. It’s been hard to watch, and although I love both of them, my Mom is always my biggest worry. She’s not fragile or weak, but constant stress brings out the worst in all of us. I just want everyone to be okay.

On a brighter side - Cat and I have had a great time together. She and B took D and me to the farmer’s market on Saturday. The guys carried big jasmine plants while Cat and I carried our veggies. Prior to that, Cat and I spent the afternoon downtown, talking about relationships and possibilities. I can’t explain how wonderful that afternoon was. It wasn’t just the bright sky and amazing setting (she took me to her favorite neighborhood, and I felt like a tourist — I kept gawking), it was the honesty and comfortable feeling that settled into me. My trust issues remain. It’s a problem I know I have to deal with, but she’s helping me through that by just being there. she and her huzzie have been instrumental in my settling into the city. It’s the nooks and crannies that make a home, and knowledge of those places in Portland that make me feel like I belong here and not like some impostor. It is home here. Cat helped that a lot. And I shall repay her in salsa and laughter…. Oh! And she’s coming with me to Ikea for the opening. That’s friendship.

A woman at the Cup and Saucer, a wonderful restaurant near the house, has the same Celtic knot as I do. It’s on her lower back. she got hers in australia 10 years ago from a little tattoo shop. It’s blurry and needs to be fixed, but she loves it. I didn’t tell her the story about mine, because I am realizing that it doesn’t matter now. It’s there, and I love it still. Not because it is a reminder of what happened to me in Gainesville, but because it reminds me of all of the other possibilities that are out there for sisterhood. If you get a chance to go to this place - get their egg sandwich on sourdough. It makes me hungry just thinking about it.

D and I went to see 2 places for Amanda in the past 2 days. The first one was… stinky. No go. The 2nd I didn’t really get to see because they had already rented it out. It’s hard to find a place here. We really lucked out with our house. Oh! D smashed his head on the ceiling going down to the basement (I will try to take a picture to show you). He got to wear a pirate band-aid. It made things all better. So, Amanda will stay with us for a bit if she can’t get a place before she gets out here. Her kitties will go into the basement, which is not a scary basement, it’s just not all that inviting without furniture. I hope we can help her find a place. I know how freak it is when you are in house-limbo.

We don’t have squirrels or birds yet. This makes me slightly sad. I have my feeders up. Whats a girl gotta do in this town to get some squirrel love? (hehehe insert fuzzy dirty comment here)

I have phone calls that I need to return, but I will do that tomorrow. Right now I am going to read a book on writing archetypes and perhaps I can figure out how to get that 2nd paragraph written. Did I mention that I have 30 pages due next week?

I need a beer.