Change is good, and I will be the first to admit that. Moving to Portland was one of the best things we could have done for ourselves, but it throws into sharp relief that which will not be done. I’m craptastic about phonecalls (e-mail people!!), and I know I owe you all a few. It’s hard for me to talk about the things going on here. The disconnect is not just with the place I left but also with the person I was. We moved over a month ago, and I don’t feel the same, not at all. When I slow down for a moment and think about the full transition, from college to grad school, from employment to freedom, from Florida or Oregon — it’s hard to sit down and take it all in sometimes. And there are things I miss. I’ve just come to realize that. I miss the birds in Seemore. I miss knowing that when I walk into Babbo’s - they will know what wine I want. I miss the ease of communication with everyone, because we all knew I was there, and just a phone call or a visit away. The phone is still there (again.. I suck.. I have to return phone calls), but the span of time and space, the distance between here and there feels vast. At one end, it cleanses, and at the other…. well I regret a few things. But that’s not what this is about.
When you break a person down to bare bones, to their essence, I feel like that is where my change has come. I’m still in limbo essentially. I’m surprised to find my right way on streets with unknown names. When I see new things, I drink them in, and there are 100 places for us to visit. We will, when the time is right. I’m still me… the big E. But I am from Portland, and it feels uncomfortable on my tongue right now. It will change. My home is my heart…and that came with me to this place… surrounded by lush green hills, psychos on bikes, people with funny colored hair and liberal beliefs. I’m here. And I am trying to fit my heart into this place. It will work. I’m flexible.
Although I still can’t touch my toes.
Good night all…
August 7th, 2007 at 8:23 am
Maybe find a good yoga place, then you can touch your toes
Settling in is always hard. I felt like that about Orlando when I moved there in ‘94. For three years it was my home but I quickly left for college and it was an intermediate home. You’re right: home is your heart. It’ll start to feel right soon.
August 7th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
No worries…it will happen when you aren’t even looking…all natural and on its own. I’m glad you are here, and I hope that the disconnect you feel doesn’t toy with your emotions too badly. From previous experience it has a way of gripping on for the long haul…I honestly don’t remember if it was a conscious decision of acceptance or time itself that resolved that feeling. Maybe it was just an accumulation of new experiences that filled a void. Whatever it turns out to be for you…it will come and the overwhelming nature of the changes you have experienced will start to become less so. Eventually the beauty right in front of you will be enough, and you can look back on Seemore, frequented places and past experiences (even the flawed ones) with sad-free fondness.
August 7th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
It sounded a little whiney..sorry. I think I was just trying to figure out how I felt about this change, and I was kind of afraid that I was changing too quickly. I’m adjusting quite well, for the most part, and I wouldn’t move back to Florida if you paid me. I guess it’s just familiarity that elude me. That will change.