I’m out of meds, and as of a few weeks ago, I haven’t had anything in my system. I try to go to sleep with Benadryl and a beer (or three) and I end up fighting my brain until 6 in the morning, when exhausted, I finally fall asleep to the sound of hectic traffic. I’m trying to pretend I am well, but I’m not. And although I wanted to run tonight, I couldn’t. Why? Excuses, of course - Puck hurt himself, and I couldn’t run without him, I have a deadline looming and a lot of editing to finish…blah. I really thought that I had the mental will to move my ass, to alleviate this hurt that’s starting to build, but it’s not working. I can’t get my head out of my way. So I sit. I feel awful.
It’s just a part of the cycle. It’s how this shit is sometimes.
But that’s just the beginning of what’s going on now. Some of it I can’t talk about in an open blog. Why? When families fall apart, you have to keep your mouth shut for fear of hurting the ones you love the most. I won’t allow my words to become weapons. So, it’s enough to say that my parents are splitting up, my grandmother is in ICU again, and right now my depression is an actual physical ache. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
It’s not to say that my life is a pile o’ poop. It’s just enough to say that there are things that are hanging on my head, in my heart, and pulling me down. And for the first time in a long time, I feel out of control.
It will pass. It’s a part of the cycle. I am going to get back to working on my novel. I have to change the tense (ugh). I’m seriously tempted to scrap it and start over again, but that will take entirely too long.
I think I need to have a smoke.
September 20th, 2007 at 1:47 am
Mama, I understand and, should you need me, am here for you. I’m sending you lots of warm, loving energy.
September 20th, 2007 at 8:48 am
Hang in there. Is there any way for you to get meds? Are you working yet? I am not and I have no car and no means of transportation. I am suffering from a bit of cabin fever. I feel trapped and it is a little suffocating. I hope that you will find a little peace. I pray for your family.
September 20th, 2007 at 8:53 am
Man, that’s what I was gonna say… I was gonna say “hang in there”.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:05 am
Ditto on the hang in there - keep plodding through the writing - this deadline is a rough one, I know - am sending good thoughts your way…
September 20th, 2007 at 11:43 am
I am sorry my love. I will send you good mojo vibes over the miles.
September 20th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Lets see I think a dose of shag your husband on the front porch may perk things up a bit… I know shagging your husband on the front porch always works for me. JK
You know how much I love you and you can always vent to me about the things that are going on in our family right now. Heck you know there always has to be some type of drama otherwise what would we talk about on the phone? No drama equals akward silence….. I love you and cannot wait to see you in the morrow
September 20th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Thanks one and all. Not to worry, really. Being that I’m not medicated anymore, the rolling waves between the moodswings are much more apparent and rapid. I didn’t really understand what was wrong until I listened to 2 hours of the Cure. I really should pay attention