Moody Meow

I’m quite down, so let me start off apoligizing for the tone of this post. It’s kind of shitty that i’ve not blogged daily, and when I do, it’s one full of unecessary sadness, but that’s the way of my life right now. Let’s just blame it on the holidaze.  Since the birth of my birthdaughter, and the end of my childhood, I’ve had problems with the end of the calender year. I’ve idealized the thanksgivings and Christmases of my youth. I hoped to live up to those shiny images in my heart and mind, but I think it was just a pale shadow of what was…. or at least of what I remember.

That’s not to say it was a failure. We cooked 3 different proteins to satisfy the 3 different types of eaters. D and I obviously had tofurkey. Mom made a turkey and a roast. Then there were smashed taters and all the other side stuff. Although this kitchen is much larger, I still found myself dancing around hot pots and beagles. And because I woke up later than I intended, we started cooking much later than we should have. Lex and I took a quick trip to the grocery store, and returned with those last minute items that we forgot in our initial shopping spree. Lex brought the family silver, and extra dishes. Amandapants’ casseroles were a hit. All day, the TV blared with football coverage, and D and I occasionally hid in the room.  C&B came later with home made pumpkin pie and banana bread. The pie was divine. I heard the bread was good, although my nephews and huzzie ate it for breakfast the following day, so I never got to try it. With dinner done, the booze began to flow, as it always does with my family.

Littlebro became a very drunk pirate, we all talked about family and goofy shit, and Lex and I ended up going to bed somewhere around 5:30 in the morning. Surprisingly, I felt fine the next day. I drank a lot of water. It’s a good thing. And hanging out with the fam for the rest of the weekend made me really happy, although my Mom was in a funk the entire time. She’s weeks into quitting smoking, and I think that those of us in the family that still smoke make it harder on her.  She promised to spend some time with me, but ended up getting frustrated and wanted to head back to Tacoma earlier. Even in Tacoma, she seemed distant. I am very well aware of the load on her plate — my grandmother’s continually failing health, and imminent divorce, issues with money, etc. I always think that I can make her relax and enjoy her time at our house, but she never seemed to get a chance to let her hair down. That, and she re-injured her knee just standing up, so she was in pain for most of her trip.

Saying goodbye didn’t really hit me until I got home from Tacoma. Then I sat in the house, it was quiet, and I wanted to cry. I can attribute this to little sleep, a lot of alcohol consumption, and no moving my tushie. It’s going to take time for me to right myself, but for now, it kind of sucks. I always want more time, more laughter, more… peace. But there’s something that always gets in the way. Real life doesn’t stop or stand still for those moments when I need time to connect….and now I realize I’m just rambling.

I’m overwhelmed with school stuff, and the pressing financial issues that are coming to a head now. Because D and I haven’t worked since we moved, we are almost out of money. That means no more trips to here and there, no more booze, pinching every penny because finding a job here is harder than I first anticipated.  I am hoping some of my attempts pan out soon, but if they don’t… well I don’t want to think about that.

It’s feeling like winter right now. The weather people are talking about snow and ice outside of Portland proper. I bought a scarf and gloves. This is true fall/winter weather, and I am loving it, when I leave the house. I even keep my hair down most of the time…it’s still strange having a full head of hair.

Amandapants’ cats are downstairs right now. She’s gone again, so I get to be kitty-aunt. They have a lot of room to lay about, but they are sticking to the little chair/tent I constructed so they have some place to hide. My goal is to keep them calm, to keep Baxter distracted so he doesn’t piss on anything, and to make this time away from their house as comfy as possible. They aren’t up to playing or coming out for treats, but I’m working on that. It isn’t helping that my cats keep sitting right by the door. They know someone is down there.

Tonight, the plan is to medicate myself to sleep, get up at a good hour (see: before 11), run, and get all of my school work finished. I’ll be scarce for the next couple of days. Solitude and rebalancing take time. So, have a happy week.

and I promise the next post will be full of cheer….

Hope you had a good deadturkeyday..