There’s a space in all of us where we really find ourselves. It’s not the bombastic self, or the one who deals with shitty traffic and stupid working relationships. It’s the self that we keep for the quiet moments of deep examination, and I have to say, I missed her. I haven’t seen her since we moved. She’s been lost in a sea of fear, acceptance, and laziness.

I went to class last night, although I must say I almost didn’t go. For someone with big balls, I’m painfully shy when out of my element. When I got home, I realized I’d left my wallet at work, had no cash at the house, and Puck shit on the floor (the squirrel feeder = solid fiber). That is usually enough to derail me and send me right back to the couch where I can wallow in my pity party. It’s stupid, and weak, I admit. But instead of just giving up because the Fates decided not to make my day blissfully easy, I said fuck it, put on my favorite sports bra (it makes my boobies look verrrrry nice), put up my hair, put in my earrings, and grabbed the directions. I think I saw D smile as I left.

Of course, because I’m me, I got fucking lost. Only I could get lost in a grid-system city. I expect that now. I didn’t let it derail me, instead I just drove around like a lunatic with Bungle blaring from my radio, singing at the top of my lungs, determined to make it to class.

And I did. There were 4 of us. Sensei Linda welcomed me with a smile. There were 3 other students, and thankfully, one of them was new. The structure was loose, and she guided us through medataiton, long (see: holyshitI’moutofshape) yoga poses, some very challenging balancing moves, punches, kicks, and tried to keep us breathing the entire time. I started to sweat. And it felt good. And I felt my muscles protest when we went into Warrior II, and it felt lovely. And when I finished the class I was on cloud 9.

Between moving my body, and stilling my mind, I found myself again. That self woke with me. It didn’t need guidance to the forefront with mediation, she was just there. Peaceful, blissful, fearless. The easiest, healthiest cure for my type II manic depression is moving my ass. I’ve known this for a long time, but there’s something in Budokon that allows both the ferocity and stillness to exist in the same space. Without trying to sound cheesy, that’s me -  I’m joyous and ferocious.

I can’t wait for class again. I will be back there on Tuesday, with an open mind and an open heart, just waiting for that fearless self to take hold again, and find a permanent place in the now.