Saturday’s Musings
Posted on | November 13, 2004 | 1 Comment
I talked to my birthdaughter last night…that made me happy.
Mom is in California with Debbie and the crew. Debbie had gastric bypass 2 years ago and has lost an amazing amount of weight. But her flesh had stretched through the years so she had the 2nd of 3 surgeries to tighten things up. Mom flew out to help her take care of the kids. My birthdaughter loves having my Mom around. “Grandma’s” visits help solidify the connection between our families. It’s not the normal kind of thing you think about for an adoption, but it has worked for us over the years.
I love My birthdaughter, not as a mother would, but perhaps as a birthmother only can. I don’t miss not being there for all the little things. I gave that up when the papers were signed and I exited the hospital alone. While there are fleeting moments of “what if” I find that my comfort comes from knowing she has a great life. And she does. I’m not bullshitting you. An amazingly astute student (she has an 8th grade reading level in 5th grade) she shines with love. I think when I birthed her I also pushed forth all the hope I had in my bruised 17 year old body. It worked. When I held her in my arms, a tiny bundle of wiggly promise, I told her that I was giving her all the things I hoped for but never had. My family shattered when I was young. Hers remains as solid as it ever was. And now, almost 11 years later, she thrives. While I do wish I could see her more often, I am grateful for the time we do have together.
I look forward to when she grows up a little. I can’t speak honestly of who I am at this point. But an eleven year old has no business knowing what I know. Still, I long to be her friend. At this point I hear her excitement when she speaks to me, words tumbling out like an avalanche. Her excitement excites me, and I smile the whole time we conversate. I wish I could tell you what its like, being a birthmother in an open adoption. The intangible qualities of that role color my world a little differently than yours. All adoption relationships differ, some going throughout time with no contact. I wished for that once, but I am glad that I did not get that wish. What would she be like if she didn’t know that I loved her? She’s not the type to hold in anger, thankfully she did not inheret that little icky quality of mine.
I think my body knew that she was my only chance to give birth to good. I knew at seventeen that I would never do it again. While I did suffer through the beginning of a second pregnancy, I ended it without much fanfare, mourned quietly and moved on. My soul and body, tainted by a bad relationship and many nights of drus, would not have been able to go through a full pregnancy again. So, with that mistake eradicated in a two day procedure, I vowed never to make that mistake again.
My birthdaughter’s presence in my life reminds me that many choices define life in later years. The choice to keep her would have been a selfish and misguided one. In my few moments of clarity (for who is all that clear when in the chaotic clutches of puberty) I found a path that would satisfy the needs for all. My need to explore life without the responsiblity and burden of a child, and the need for the child to grow up with responsible parental guidance had been satisfied with one choice.
She is growing We both learn about life because the communication between us is clear and constant. I don’t doubt that there will be rough patches down the road, but I know for now, she is a sweet child and a gift to all that know her.
Comments
One Response to “Saturday’s Musings”
Leave a Reply
Twit This!
- Win a $5,000 Golden Parachute to pay off your Student Loans! http://t.co/qYlejCqa via @skillshare (kinda spammy,but I haz debt, yo)
- RT @Nnedi: wanting and wishing to write is NOT the same as writing.
- Look what I just signed up for : http://t.co/6unNg8H2 (it's the UF one SQUEEEEE)
- @snarkynavywife Dude!!!! Microphone!!!
- @snarkynavywife DUDE GOOGLE CHAT!
- RT @RoseCityRollers: Check out this profile on Mercy. Way to represent! http://t.co/feYd6IIG
- I'm walking around without my aircast!!! #donttellthedoc It's working out pretty well. I limp a lot less.
- Yes, Coworker, I was totally adjusting my bra when you walked by my cube. You don't have boobs. Don't judge.
- @quickmissive It is too early to "dislike" already. Have more coffee. Add Baileys. Wash. Rinse. Repeat #loveBaileysandcoffee
- RT @doctor_jeff: Take a minute to remind yourself that you are beautiful, and worthwhile. Everything's going to be okay. You can do it. ...
Response
- Cat on Bedbugs, Cancers, and Listening to Fans
- Claire on Once Again
- moodymeow on Once Again
- Frankie on Once Again
- Cat on Confessions
Recent Posts
November 13th, 2004 @ 7:23 pm
the most unselfish act a mother could give to her child other than her own life, would be giving up that child to a better life because your heartbreak is worth her having the things that you didn’t as a child. Your an amazing person for what you did for you daughter and no matter what anyone says you gave her a wonderful gift and you are more than her birthmother for that, your her guardian angel…. and one of my biggest hero’s