Moody Meow

Liberal, lunatic lassie, with mood swings and foot-in-mouth syndrome

Scaling the Edge

Posted on | December 6, 2004 | 2 Comments

Sometime its more than a moment, but it usually passes.

Inexplicable nervousness, jittery movements and darting eyes. The crowd of smiling strangers wants to swallow me, tumble me beneath their white sneakers and stained sandals. My spine stiffens, eyes moving back and forth in search for hidden danger. David is beside me, safe and warm, but even he can’t hold back the panic.

It doesn’t make any sense. I fondly refer to these moments as “getting sketchy.” My aversion to crowds has waxed and waned over the years. Sometimes it is paralyzing, and sometimes it just halts the step for a moment. David’s best efforts keep the terror at bay, using distraction as a weapon against the strange moments when I feel lost. Mashed potatoes usually works, but I find if I just look into his eyes, pulling my attention away from the stalking unease that I can refocus and move further into imagined danger without paralyzing fear.

I don’t know when the first moment came. Childhood memories swell with those moments. Perhaps the bouncing throughout the world with my military family aggravated this condition in brief moments, I think in the end it allowed me to stretch my legs in strange places, although it always felt like I was going to fall on my ass.

The last full on panic attack I had was years ago, outside the Edge in Ft. Lauderdale. I don’t remember much about it, probably because I was stoned out of my mind. I don’t think the pot helped, but I had a problem breathing and ended up passing out. Friends rescued me from the depths of panic until I found light again, but it was a wake up call to the reality of my unbalanced mind. Crowds scare me. That’s pretty much what it comes down to. If I know I can’t get out of the crowd, that I am locked in then I sweat and jitter and fall into panic’s thorny embrace.

So, to keep it at bay, I pay attention to where I am and with whom (D is my constant, and he helps more than words can express) and try to muddle through as best I can. But sometime’s its painful scaling the edge of panic.

Category: Did I forget to mention?

Comments

2 Responses to “Scaling the Edge”

  1. E the M
    December 10th, 2004 @ 12:38 pm

    I thank you !! =)
    I need to get off my tushie and push myself to writing while I have a break from school. Perhaps then I will be able to publish something before I graduate. If nothing else, it will end up an interesting journal entry.

  2. chris
    December 6th, 2004 @ 7:57 pm

    E you truly amaze me sometimes, with the way you write out your thoughts and feelings. you are very talented, even when you are talking about bullshit..lol the way you weave your soul into some of the things i have seen that you have written is very cool.

    its like that story you wrote about the painting and how you fell into its beautiful jewl-tone colors and was wisked away to a story all its own.

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