Spoonful of Sugar, Spoonful of Acid
Posted on | June 5, 2009 |
The pendulum swings both ways. I get the gift of a couple of interviews, I end up in 2nd place for both jobs. I have all this time to write, but I spend it worrying about our family.
Right now, I would like to kick life in its everloving ass and tell it to be a little more fair. David will not be flying out to my graduation. We’ve both been unemployed since January and our finances just can’t take it. I pouted, felt sorry for myself, worried that I would be embarrassed at graduation because none of my family would be there to holler for me. And I will admit that I cried a bit.
Then we got the call today that his father is dying. He has had several bouts with melanoma, but the cancer spread to his brain. He was given 2-4 months to live. Suddenly my selfishness for whining about David come to my graduation are eclipsed by the fact that I think he needs to say goodbye to his father. He’s ambivelent. He wants to go out to support his brothers (he has 5) and his half sisters (he has 4), but we are not financially in a place where that can be done. Now, David had a great interview today and we are both very hopeful, but there’s no guarantee that he can fly out there. It’s no question that he should go out, it’s just whether the economy will allow us the cash to get there. I will bleed the rock dry to try to get him out there. We are also dealing with all these extra expenses for my graduation. Yes the car and plane flight are paid for, but I do need to eat, and the fucking gown is 75 dollars. I’m tempted not to walk at all to save that money. It’s just the suck right now.
I, as David’s wife, think he should fly out to say goodbye. He’s not close to his father. They have had a distant relationship their entire life due to a separation before David was born. But his father has tried in recent years. We are very different when it comes to loss and mourning, but I do think David would feel better about things if he could just spend some time with his family at this point. Now, I’m hoping the next few weeks will include some rockin’ good luck and love from the Fates. Perhaps all this worrying will be for naught and we can scrounge up the cash to get him to see his Dad.
That’s not to say that it’s all terrible. It isn’t. David and I are working very well together to keep each other out of the pits of despair. We make little plans to keep from going insane. And honestly we’ve grown closer these 6 months without work. I guess that is what happens when adversity hits your family - you sink or swim. My sister has been invaluable through the whole process - both as a shoulder on which to lean in my weak moments and the one who saved our asses to pay rent this month. If I have to pay her back 5 bucks at a time, I will. You can’t take that kind of kindness for granted.
So, all in all this is really a post about the bad and good in things. I’ve had a few dark days recently. But I realized that getting up every morning, I have a choice - I can mourn the loss of my former life with a steady income or I can celebrate the time I’ve had to grow closer to my husband and write. My only wish right now is that I can find the money to get David out to see his Dad before he passes. Honestly, everything else is a luxury.
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June 6th, 2009 @ 10:01 am
I’m so sorry to hear about the stress and the worry. If it helps, I’ll totally holler and hoot (and you know I’ll totally pull out mah Suthuhn roots just fo’ y’all, dahlin) when you walk. And I say when b/c you WILL walk. The money is coming.
I’m glad you’re finding the good side to all the crap, but I’m hopeful that the crap will dissipate and leave just the good behind.
June 9th, 2009 @ 6:28 am
Hang in there!
June 9th, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
KL…thank you love
Claire - I’m trying