A Birthmother on Mother’s Day
Posted on | May 9, 2010 | No Comments
This is not one of my favorite holidays. Not because sixteen years ago I gave my daughter up for adoption, nor that it reminds me of what I sacrificed for her. No, it’s the presumption that I cannot, as a birthmother, be celebrated like all other mothers. I give birth to characters as a writer. Does this make me a mother, or just an author? (they do speak to me regularly, and sass me as I imagine adolescent teens torture their parents, but that may just be my madness talking) Is there a day for women who parent their friends, animals, or nurture others at the expense of themselves?
What is being a mother, exactly? Is it giving birth to another life? Any woman can do that, but many women are not terribly good mothers. Are we celebrating them on a day like this, although they wrecked the lives of their children? Should we strip the title away from them because they are less than deserving? And how must this day feel for those women who have lost children. Or other birthmothers? What of children who have lost their mothers? Do they need to be reminded of what they have lost?
I don’t like the “day” kinds of holidays. Valentines day. Mother’s and Father’s day. Truly, these holidaze are supposed to make everyone stop a moment and remind their loved one how much they care. Again, I argue (I say this about V-Day all the time) that this should be done every day. Why wait to tell your mother you love her? Or your father? Or your best friends? Why the one special day?
I don’t know what it is like to be a mother. I can tell you that being a birthmother has been challenging. There is no rule book, no list of directions, no advice that can be given to navigate the relationships I have with my birthdaughter’s family. Having an open adoption has been a challenge and a blessing, but I wouldn’t change it. But I think my birthdaughter is smart enough and grateful enough to remind her mother how much she loves her every day. They have a beautiful relationship, one I hope all daughters have with their mothers. I am happily on the periphery, watching and observing and reveling in the beauty of their family. And I knew on the day that I gave birth to her that I would never have another child. Some of us are not meant for motherhood. It is not a loss, nor a lack I feel in being who I am. I just know that my life is not big enough for children. That does not mean I am any less of a woman. I just know who I am.
I called my mom today to wish her a happy mother’s day. It’s what good children do. But I don’t love her any more today than I did yesterday. I speak with her several times a week. I don’t wait for the “day” to tell her how happy I am that she is my parent. I tell her all the time. And so should you.
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