Moody Meow

Liberal, lunatic lassie, with mood swings and foot-in-mouth syndrome

The Things We Do

Posted on | December 30, 2004 | 4 Comments

I admit it, I can be a shit.

I didn’t react in the best manner last night when I found out about Grannie. Sometimes when I hurt, I retreat into my anger, burrowing myself in misery. I know it’s not the right thing to do in that kind of situation, but that is usually my immediate reaction. So, I went to bed early, slept off the rage, and awoke and apoligised to D.

I know I hurt him when I do this shit. I don’t mean to. He’s the last person in the world I want to wound. The problem is his proximity to my explosions. Sometimes they are external but most of the time they implode within my brain and I am left aching to lash out. I told him I didn’t want to talk because I knew I would be mean. I meant it. I think hateful things and want others to feel my pain. Selfish and shitty and childish, yeah I know. So, I confine myself to my bed alone, hoping I can relax past the urge to hit. It usually works, but it hurts him in the process.

The reality is that I am going to have to deal with this shit for a while. She has been ill for ages. This current ordeal restates the gravity of her condition. And more than anything I want her to be okay, to leap up from her chair, lungs full of air and joy, and sing and dance with me to Sinatra. But that won’t happen. I have to come to terms with that first. And then, perhaps I can wish her off with some grace instead of falling into a puddle of red anger. It’s something I have to work on. That’s clear to me now.

Category: Everyday

Comments

4 Responses to “The Things We Do”

  1. Erica the Meow
    December 31st, 2004 @ 12:46 pm

    you are wise for such a little pain in the ass….

    And you are not the right one…remember – I’ve got a few years on you so I am always right!

  2. littlesister
    December 30th, 2004 @ 4:23 pm

    First of all let me start by saying that WOW you have an amazing man standing next to you…. I have a very deep respect for the fact that he has the ability to at least understand you and try to help bring you back from all the darkness that tries to devour you. You also have to be proud that today you can see your own flaws and weaknesses and you can apoligize for them were as the old you would never have even allowed anyone to know there was anything wrong. Remember how hard you have fought to get here and that even thought the war is not over you have definatly won a lot of its battles. I love you and if you feel the need to reach out and attack someone you can always call me and say I am in a bitchy mood and I want to be mean and I can just let you vent while I tune in to another episode of Real World and ignore you…. But the main point here is that I am ALWAYS right no matter what and you two are a very close second…..
    love you

  3. E the M
    December 30th, 2004 @ 2:28 pm

    I love you honey…but fuck that!! I am ALWAYS right!….except when it comes to my moods.. =)

  4. David M
    December 30th, 2004 @ 2:23 pm

    You do your best love, and you have improved a great deal in the time that I’ve known you. Unfortunately, as you say, I’m always closest and experience the brunt of the moods. As I’ve always said, you will get better at dealing with the black emotions, proactively. I’m not trying to bust your chops here, but sitting and moping on the couch watching tv was the worst thing you could have done. I can understand not wanting to go to the gym, but at least go hack at the buganvilla in the back. Physical action will eat up your anger faster than you can imagine. I know it won’t make the pain go away, but it will ease the negative stuff that comes with it. Regardless, I love you and will always love you, and I only bust your balls about this stuff because I think it will help you. I could be wrong, but I rarely am :)

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