Selective Moments
Posted on | January 27, 2005 | 2 Comments
Awareness brings me into myself and pops me back out into the real world, which pains me sometimes.
The phone stopped ringing weeks ago. It is as much my own doing as it is life’s endless interruptions, but I find that peace quite satisfactory. My refuge, I have always said, comes in my relationship with D. It’s fullfilling. It’s maddening. It’s the one thing that keeps me afloat. And when I am drowning in my lonely moments, it’s all I have.
The ring ceremony, just weeks away seems to be a magnifying glass for the state of things. My mother is coming out, but my grandmother is still laid up in bed and her surgery will just not allow her to move. I have not heard from my uncles, nor my daughter’s parents. All of David’s family seems to be attending, and that is a lot of people. But my family is small, filled with chaos and hard feelings. I am not the subject of the gossip and the arguments (save from one of the relations), but it ends up hurting me none the less. I think of all the uncles and aunts on my side of the family – none will attend. It hurts. I realize this whole thing isn’t a popularity contest, but hell, even my little brother hasn’t responded.
I am very close to my mother and my sister. We are the best of friends, the three of us. Ever grateful for their presence, I understand this kind of deep feeling and respect cannot translate to the rest of the relations. Most of my uncles are assholes, frankly. And my Papa-san’s family really has no love for me. One of the problems of step-families is that sometimes the bond isn’t nearly as sure as people would like to believe. Even he and I bang heads, my brilliant father figure and I. The relations with my biological father whithered away years ago. But Papa-san and I have tried to build a brige, failing most of the time. I don’t see the feelings he has for me so my assumption is that they aren’t there.
So, where is this mental meandering going? I don’t know. But Frank just handed me a Reece’s cup…so I feel better.
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January 27th, 2005 @ 1:28 pm
I know…but it still bugs me.
January 27th, 2005 @ 11:50 am
I wouldn’t let the lack of responses get to you that much. Not many in my family have responded either. Not sure what that means.