Broadzilla -vs- Ubergoober
Posted on | January 31, 2005 | 4 Comments
Sometimes I can be such a bitch.
This morning I erupted from the wrong side of the bed, mad at everything and everyone. I thought the kitten evil because he had the audacity to pop on and off the bed in an attempt to wake me for playtime (it was close to 4 AM). And beagle-feet tap dancing loudly the asscrack of dawn = reasonable motive for dog-icide. Nothing went right this morning, and I hated everything. Cats rebelled against their antibiotics. Dogs danced loudly. Husbands tried to placate the enraged morning-hating monster with coffee and the promise of breakfast. Instead of taking the sweet gestures, she stomped into the shower and slammed the door.
David went back to bed and hid under the covers, praying that I wouldn’t come in.
My drive to work didn’t help matters. A cop piddled along, doing the speed limit (they drive faster down my residential street than they do on I4) causing a traffic snarl. I hate that particular police officer. The fast lane hogs putter along well below the speed limit, fearing to pass the cop. When I finally passed the asshole I saw that he was on his phone. The asshat was too busy to pull me over, so I jammed on the gas and sped for the exit. Then, someone in an OUC truck cuts me off when I get into the parking lot. (I still don’t know who it was) I see red.
I get to work, and it gets worse. I want to hurt something, someone – especially myself, because I know the limits of my own pain. The thought of going home made me cry. I almost went, calculating the amount of sick time I have. The saddest part is I knew if I went home I would do something stupid – like cut myself. So, I planted my wide ass deeper in my chair and steeled myself for the eventual comedown from the plateau of rage.
The solution: Food and fresh air. Breathing, even exhaust-tinged air seemed to clear my head and heart. With sandwich in hand, I returned to work, a little better. Almost ready to call D and apologize.
The good thing is he called me first. And I did apologize.
He called me Broadzilla and I laughed for the first time today. I want to be Ubergoober all the time…but as D stated I have 2 states of being : Broadzilla and the sweet half.
I wish I was a little more gray.
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Recent Posts
February 1st, 2005 @ 5:54 pm
gotta love IMDB! i knew that the whole scene would be there…
February 1st, 2005 @ 6:36 am
ROFL!!!!!
I fucking love that scene….
January 31st, 2005 @ 6:02 pm
M’Lynn: [crying] I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.
[screaming]
M’Lynn: I’m fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can’t! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don’t know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby’s life is over! I wanna know how that baby *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!
[In a firm tone]
M’Lynn: No! No! No! It’s not supposed to happen this way! I’m supposed to go first. I’ve always been ready to go first! I-I don’t think I can take this! I-I don’t think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody ’til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna *hit* something! I wanna *hit it hard*!
[continues sobbing]
Clairee: *Here*!
[Grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
Clairee: *Hit this*! Go ahead M’Lynn, *slap her*!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [Taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: *Hit her*!
Ouiser Boudreaux: *Are you high, Clairee*?
Truvy: [In a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We’ll sell t-shirts sayin’ “I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!” Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enoough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M’Lynn!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o’ me!
Clairee: M’LYNN, YOU JUST MISSED THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! HALF O’ CHIQUAPIN PARISH’LL GIVE THEIR EYE-TEETH TO TAKE A WHACK O’ OUISER!
January 31st, 2005 @ 3:05 pm
This just in! Broadzilla has attacked Tokyo! We repeat Broadzilla has attacked Tokyo!
