Moody Meow

Liberal, lunatic lassie, with mood swings and foot-in-mouth syndrome

So…..this is life

Posted on | February 10, 2005 | 5 Comments

I just finished a test I bombed…. I need a drink.

They chose the new manager at work, and it wasn’t my boss. I think it was a good move, the new guy. But I can’t comment much on work here. I am a touch paranoid due to the war with the city. So, my opinions will remain an in-person thing.

I wish I had something interesting to say, but I don’t. I feel like I am just muddling through right now, but I realize a lot of people feel like this.

I have entertained an essay on race recently. I think abandoning my old name, while it relieves me of some kind of burden, it seems to have pulled away scarred flesh and hurts a little. It seemed to be the only notice of my heritage from my father’s family. Is that important enough to comment on? I think so. I have been called many things in terms of race. Knowing that my race cannot define me, I feel like I missed something in not knowing my Mexican heritage. I wish I knew more. As it is now, I shall only explore it in an academic vein rather than experiencing it in my own life….. it’s just something I think about…

My iPod shuffle is at FEDEX and I am still in class…. I can’t get it till tomorrow … pout.

I am very excited that my family is coming next month. I wish I weighed less, could be a more beautiful (externally), but I yam what I yam…love it or leave it. Caring less about weight, what a lovely idea. Wish I could move past it. But my family (Mom, etc.) and D love me regardless. For that I am grateful.

……so ……is a divorce (not my own, chill out!) different as an adult? My mother and papa-san seem to be on a sinking ship. I don’t know the particulars, but I know the rift began with a drunken fight when someone opened a box of long held resentments carelessly. Remember, you can’t take back words. So, things were said, trust was broken and they don’t seem to be able to work past it. I don’t know how I feel about this. I don’t know how I should feel. what is the proper? What is right? I can’t take sides. Although Papa-san is technically my step-father, we have found ourselves in a bond of family where he deserves the name father, although that label is too scarred and damaged for him to wear. So I call him other things: Old Man, Papa-san…..it’s my own way of showing him I love him. So, if they do divorce, or even seperate, what do I do? I don’t worry about my relationship with my mother. The exploration of her as a friend satisfies and thrills me, she is probably one of the poeple I am closest to. That bond remains strong, after years of work. But Papa-san and I seem to have a relationship, although loving in a strange way, where we clash. He’s the pusher of buttons. I know he means well, but his jabbing hurts sometimes. I know that I am not his blood daughter. He has one of those. She seems to do little ill, still the light of perfection shines upon her shattered life. But me, well I never seem to do right, even now. It’s just him pushing me. Sometimes I don’t want to be propelled forward. Stillness and contemplation of now requires my attention. He doesn’t understand this about me. Maybe he never will. So, if they seperate, I fear what our relationship will become. ……but it’s all speculation now…..

I guess I had more to say than I thought…

Category: Everyday

Comments

5 Responses to “So…..this is life”

  1. E the M
    February 14th, 2005 @ 10:45 am

    Lex, you are nuts but I love you too…

    So, trip to Mexico…all I have to do is win the lottery!

  2. little sis
    February 12th, 2005 @ 5:47 pm

    First I would like to say that if we are going to Mexico I should so be included so that I may research my heritage in a margarita – and as far as the rents go time will tell if that bond is strong enough to last even through their current stresses. I know that I love my sissy and that no matter how big or little you are I love you and you will always be beautiful to me and if I were not your sister and I was a boy and I was a little older and stuff I would totally be in to you. I love you lots.
    little me

  3. David M
    February 11th, 2005 @ 9:18 pm

    I’d love to go anywhere with different culture. Soooo tired of the American way of life.

  4. Heather
    February 11th, 2005 @ 7:12 pm

    Can we all go an a trip to Mexico to uhh… explore your roots… and umm…. stuff…. I wanna!!!

  5. David M
    February 11th, 2005 @ 10:56 am

    Bend with the river, knowing that whatever life throws at you, you can adapt. Yoga breaths and iPod coolness be upon you. :)

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