It’s no surprise that I think such morbid things. No, this is not a plea for help nor a declaration of my imminent departure, but I want to understand the source for such destructive thought.

I was walking back to the car, pizza pan and rolling pin thumping against my leg in the Target bag, when it came to me. “I want to die on a pleasant Sunday afternoon.” I had none of the suicidal urges that normally accompany such a whisper. I felt almost silly for thinking such a ludicrous thing, but it comes with the territory of being me. I deal with it every day, manic depression. The triggers are known and well documented: too much alcohol will give me the blues, hormones trigger all kinds of particularly nasty mood swings, drugs numb and when they wear off I am in a downspin.
Sometimes there isn’t a trigger. That scares me. The random nature of my destructive thoughts leaves me feeling like I walk on shaky legs that want nothing more than to give out on me. I didn’t really want to deal with the thought of my death. I still think that I am lucky to have made it as far as I have. And, yes, I was suicidal, for a long time. But, I’m not now. So why the thought? It’s a ghost to remind me that no matter how healthy I seem to be, there will always be that imbalance in my brain to plague me.

I don’t like discussing my bi-polar nature as a rule. I mention it flippantly, never explaining the difficulties. People don’t want to know such things. They are afraid to see the reflection of my unbalanced nature in their own life. I want people to understand that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I am ashamed, even now. It’s stupid. I have been diagnosed for almost five years, and you would think that carrying this demon would be easier. But finding a name for the flaw doesn’t make the flaw any easier, it just makes it known.

I don’t want to die on a pleasant Sunday afternoon. Now, pleasant Sunday afternoons are spent with my unconventional family. They are more than enough to live for.

Found out last night that Debbie nad Nicole will be in Colorado. She is something to live for too.