Family and Friends

Posted on | April 26, 2005 | No Comments

I mentioned before that Mom and I had a long talk last night. I finally got the courage to ask her how things were going with her and Papa-san. For the first time I heard the fire in her voice, the strength to remain unwavering in her fight to gain respect. A trait permeates the matriarchs of our family (thank god that role falls to Lex….I just don’t want it) and it leaves them both open to healing and the victim of cruelty. Alexis and Mom will always be the peacemakers, the ones to smooth the disturbances with soft words and gentle reassurances. For years I thought that I was a major part of their problem. That’s not ego speaking. I made their lives hell. If there was a cage I rattled it, and if there wasn’t I constructed one out of my rage and pain and made them understand that I hated where I was. This was a household built upon passion. Passion burns, and then when its flames have been extinguished, you find where and if a backbone remains. Mom, sans backbone (which sounds quite harsh, but is meant to be an image rather than a fact) gentled the quarrels, distracted me with artistic pursuits, and prayed that we would…that we could become one family.

Twenty years later….it never happened. Lex, Derick and I are Mom’s kids. The step-monster is Papa-san’s kid. Although we all look upon him like a father, he’s never really been able to love us like he loves Raean (the illustrious step-monster and current bane). He can’t. I’ve never been able to understand why and finally I think I’ve gotten to the point where it doesn’t matter to me. Mom and I have a painfully close relationship. She’s my parent, but above all, she’s one of my closest friends. There is a trifecta of friendship and love there, with Mom and Lex and I. And, although I wish Papa-san could understand me and be proud, although I wish he wouldn’t critisize and belittle, I know that my family (Mom, Lex, Derick and David) is complete. I’m terribly lucky to have them. I know that I can count on them all, even my brother, who is still in the middle of self-discovery.
I will never be a Kennedy. That is why I chose never to take his name. Somewhere deep inside I knew that being a Garcia castoff was better than never being able to fit in to the Kennedy name. And if he hurts my mother, the three of us will tear into his ass like he’s never been torn into before. Mom thinks he finally knows that.
I asked about his uncomfortable stance, his endless shifting throughout my house. Mom thinks that those moments, surrounded by our family, that he finally understood that the seperate nature of our never-blended existence was his doing. I can honestly say I would have been happy to be his daughter. I would even stand next to the step-monster and smile. Even after the horrific nightmare that Randy put Alexis and I through, and after the truth came out, I would try to be a part of their family……but the years have passed and that opportunity has rotted away now.
There is a part of me that would like to see them move on from each other. I think my mother deserves to be happy, in all things, not just her political aspirations and her work at the inn. And I think Papa-san needs to be solitary, or continue with his strange relationship with the step-monster. They are also close, but in an almost unhealthy way. He’s never been able to see her flaws (this is not a petulant kid speaking, its reality), and comes to her rescue at all costs. Sometimes the kids need to stay the fuck out of their parents’ relationship. But we all know that there is nothing that would please her more than to see her Dad leave my mother…..it must be terrible to carry that much hate….

Mom won’t leave him, she won’t leave what they built. And 20 years is nothing to sneeze at. She’s decided not to take the high road and to remain quiet when they abuse her. She tells it straight and walks away. She’s never done that before, you have to understand. I think she’s just grown exhausted by playing the nursemaid to this deformed situation. I applaud her courage, and her strength. And I hope that what ever happens she knows she will always be my family…..

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