Moody Meow

Liberal, lunatic lassie, with mood swings and foot-in-mouth syndrome

Chasing Friendship

Posted on | August 31, 2005 | 3 Comments

What is it about me that searches endlessly for the connection? I make allowances. I make time. I erect little statues to what was in the hopes that the temple of “you” will be revisted by its original inhabitant. I don’t know what this longing is, but its ever-present. I feel like the time in Miami was almost wasted. There is one out of the hundreds that I still speak to. She alone, the solitare in the deck of chaotic cards, remains readily avalible on the other line (and I keep meaning to call her, but I suck!). And there is another, of with dark hair and a bright smile that wandered with me throughout Miami’s chaos. When I left her for Ft. Lauderdale, when I left for good later, she kind of hovered in the background without much screaming. A reconnect brought no fruit. A second only brought disappointment. And still I long for the easy conversation. I realized that night that I had more fun with D…that he understood what it meant to be in my circle. So, she should be relegated to fond memories, but sometimes I have a hard time letting go. I should get better at it, but I always want to try again. Always.

It’s in the recent times, when the pain is sharp in my mind and the disappointments still bitter on my tongue, that I am able to cease the chase. You see, I’ve no need to expend such energy. I know what I can bring to the table, and it’s more than my cooking. I came to realize that most of the time my I am chasing an idea rather than a friend.
Did they realize that I was knocking? Was the lack of response ignorance or purposeful?
This is where the insecurities come to light; those blackened creatures with big, shiny teeth whose bite smarts. I am still insecure, even now. I can admit it. And I’ll not pretend that my life is perfect, because it isn’t. I think the differences came when my priorities shifted, and I know that now. Perhaps we both abandoned the mutual playground. I went inside to play, because I like how I feel in the arms of my home and my husband. You stayed over the hill where my gaze failed to reach. But I won’t abandon my home to search. Not any more.

And I know there will come a time in the future when I will mull over the meaning of the memory of those gone from my living room. And perhaps I will regret the time lost as I have with so many others. Then again, perhaps I will take that energy wasted on the chase and apply it to those who fill my life with laughter, hope, and so much possibility.

To my Witty Bitches: Thanks for a lesson learned in Chicago….it makes saying all this mess easier.

Category: Contemplation

Comments

3 Responses to “Chasing Friendship”

  1. Frankie
    August 31st, 2005 @ 3:52 pm

    All I can say is BIG GIANT SUPER HUG! And speaking of living rooms when am I coming over next?

  2. Meow
    August 31st, 2005 @ 6:12 pm

    Your invite is always there.
    But I want to come over to your house for 2 reasons: Music and paint.
    How’s your dancecard look this weekend?

  3. Frankie
    August 31st, 2005 @ 8:27 pm

    This will most likely be a rather busy weekend for me. I’m going to see if Chris can afford some painting and if so we can take a good 5 hours break from code to do some painting. I will let you know.

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