Moody Meow

Liberal, lunatic lassie, with mood swings and foot-in-mouth syndrome

Just speak…

Posted on | July 19, 2005 | 6 Comments

I’ve had a hard time this week. D’s been restless, wandering through the night from the bed to the futon. His legs ache him most terribly, and with the lack of sleep, he’s fallen into a state of blue. I’m in the midst of a hormonal upshift, which leaves me chemically unbalanced. So, between the two of us, it’s been rough. Today, I had thoughts of dragging a pair of scissors across my skin (that used to be my weapon of choice. That, or a razor). I’ve not cut myself in years now. The urge seemed dormant, thankfully. But mix together a little insanity and a whole lotta stress and you have a recipe for bad stuff. So, I left my desk, walked outside, and talked to D for a few minutes. I knew I just needed to move past the moment. He told me about his doc appointment. I told him what I was feeling. And when we ended the phone call, I realized what “behavior modification” was all about. Sometimes it’s just better to speak.

Understand, cutting is not about suicide. It’s about relieving pressure or feeling alive. It’s a coping mechanism. I’m not going to off myself, and truly, I feel a lot better now (lunch helps as well) but sometimes those unhealthy urges pop up like mold in my mind. I just had to wash it a bit clean.

The portion past the darkness, where I can find something to hold on to, immerses me in a feeling much akin to ecstatic joy. Conquering the cutting, or consciously working through moments of irrationality (yay for moodswings) allows a feeling of accomplishment to wash over me. I feel saner for those moments. Because I know where the deeper parts of my blue rest, when I see this kind of shiny stability, I appreciate them all the more.

and I know…. I really love run-on sentences. Sorry.

Category: Not so sane

Comments

6 Responses to “Just speak…”

  1. Hollie
    July 19th, 2005 @ 11:27 am

    run ons are good… i cant remember the sound of your voice… but its like listening to you talk at school….
    I hope you end your day in higher spirits

  2. Meow
    July 19th, 2005 @ 11:40 am

    I will. The end of my day involves cuddling my man and getting slobbered on by dogs while sniffing cat fur…. =)

    You will hear my voice again in the Baroque class….just a month away!

  3. David M
    July 19th, 2005 @ 12:07 pm

    sniffing, slobbering, cuddling….sounds very drug-like :)

  4. Meow
    July 19th, 2005 @ 12:42 pm

    A drug induced orgy!! Woo hoo!! 8)

  5. Frankie
    July 19th, 2005 @ 1:52 pm

    Hmm. Umm. Err. Why does that leave me speechless? I hurt on the inside now.

  6. Tali
    July 19th, 2005 @ 3:43 pm

    Let the thoughts come and talk them out. We all feel cornered at times with no way out but old methods of relief. It’s why I started smoking. Better than pill popping.

    And now that I want to quit smoking I have to replace Marlboro with Wine.

    Taylor says that’s not logical but it makes sense to me.

    Many good thoughts and prayers and chants your way. And remember, in about three short weeks you will be here and we will have adventures in the City.

    Know that I love you and no matter what comes you and I will be friends.

    I will however be hiding all sharp objects from you when you’re here. That has nothing to do with your post as it is more of a general rule of thumb ;P

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