Rambling Whine

13Apr2004 Filed under: Did I forget to mention? Author: Meow

I will be honest. I’m not happy with where I am at. It’s more than location. I have not hid the fact that I have outgrown Florida and all its strange ways. There is something inside that calls to be let loose, but I don’t know how. So I choke the feeling down, get frustrated, and take it out on myself in internal ways.

The friendships I once cherished have changed or died off. Many have morphed into something unrecognizable. Maybe it was me who changed, and maybe not for the better. I know. I’m whining. Sorry. I just feel like the world and all its inhabitants are against me. For the first time in ages I want to cast a spell, but it’s too fucking windy outside for candle light. Figures.

Then there is the writing thing. I have had absolutly no confidence in my writing and I have become so paralyzed by my doubts that I have no voice in class. Where once I could critique a work with a steady eye and sure conviction, I find myself disliking most pieces, or not understanding why the work bugs me. My writing eye is closed. These hands malfunction when they need to be creative. It’s so bad that Dr. Laws noticed and commented upon it when I turned in my last piece for her. Got a shite grade on that crap too. I feel really lost. Like the one thing in the world I always wanted to do is not feisable anymore. I don’t have a backup plan. I don’t know what I will do if I don’t write in some form or fashion. It’s what I always wanted to do. I don’t know how to want anything else. What in the hell am I supposed to do with this? Is this what school is for?

For the first time I was complimented by Dr. Laws on my writing. Understand, her opinion means the world to me, or it normally would under regular circumstances, but I wasn’t effected by her glowing comments. I kept looking for the “but”…and it never came. Not really.

I think I may just be tired, tired of work and all the crap that goes along with serving people. But who knows. Maybe I will go to bed, cast a spell tomorrow, and hope for the best… Sorry I whined.

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One Response to “Rambling Whine”

David
April 14th, 2004 at 10:17 am

As with any artistic endeavors and passion, blocks do occur. You shouldn’t let that dissuade you from the profession/art of writing, escpecially if that is something you really feel passionate about. Keep in mind the rough spots I had with art, that drove me and you crazy? I’m just now getting through that, but if I had decided to become a plumber instead I would have never seen the other side of the tunnel. The real goal is to use whatever you have at your disposal to work throught the difficulties. Take a break, read some books for pleasure, play video games, do whatever it takes to nurture your psyche. Also, try to seak out what inspires you or seek new inspiration. You give me shit, but the art in the Spawn books is a new direction from what I’ve previously used as reference and inspiration that really helped me move past my particular blockages. Also, use you professors to your advantage. Dr. Laws is concerned about your writing and lack of focus or whatever, fine, embrace the meeting and bring up your concerns, problems and fears. Don’t be shy about it either, bring up the fact that you feel stifled by their limitations on the writing projects. Mention that this started in your supposed creative writing class, etc. You may just get a bunch of pompous academic posturing in return, or you may get some helpful suggestions. I can give you advice from and artists standpoint, but Dr. Laws is a writer, so she may have some more insight. Lastly, if you feel up to it, create little projects for yourself (sound familiar:)) Challenge yourself with things that you aren’t comfortable with. I have trouble with hands, so I don’t avoid drawing hands, I force myself to draw them. If you aren’t comfortable with dialogue, sit and write a few pure dialogue pieces, write character sketche, or create a scene. You could make it really fun and have a daily scene or character description or something on your blog. All art takes practice and persistance, and writing is no different. You will takes some lumps and have some rough spots, but that doesn’t mean that you cannot do it. Either way, I love you, and I only got preachy on you because I don’t want to see you give up on it.