Mars Rising

Posted on | September 30, 2005 | No Comments

“Look, babe. See it? It’s Mars.”
I pulled my new glasses down onto my nose, squinting at the small speck of red in the sky. I finished classes with a long exhale, and found home comforting. Something violent still stirred beneath my chest.
“Yeah, that’s cool.” Mars winked at me from down the street, near a tree limb losing its leaves. I wondered where He lay in the charts at that moment. Rough, raw, with just a little bit of bleeding, I felt a war within go silent. But, it was just a lul.

I knew when I went to bed that sleep would not come easily. Five solid nights of loud thoughts booming behind my eyes. I asked D to set the alarm for 5 this morning. His puzzled look made me smile. It would be better for all if I just got up early and made up an hour or two at work.

When the alarm stirred all creatures, save D, I made my way to the kitchen to feed the dogs. I’m not tired this morning. I don’t know how exhaustion hasn’t taken me down yet, but I will make it through the day without incident, I think. Still, the war is there for all to see. Were my emotions easily hidden I could be private about this struggle. It would be less embarrassing. D tells me all the time that I’m better now. That meds didn’t quell the swings. What would it be to not be mad? He likes to rationalize out the moods. Sometime’s there’s no trigger. It’s just the nature of the twisted beast I carry in my brain. Sometimes it just doens’t make sense. So, I will get up early. Try to be quiet in the kitchen when I’m grabbing things to snack on during the day. And I will slip out the front door, nearly unoticed. When I drive, my eyes will be on the road, but my mind always lingers on the jagged edges of the cliff. I’ve grown tired of struggling to hang on, and sometimes I would just love to let go. Then I remember that D sleeps soundly in our bed, with two beagles by his side. My cats probably took refuge in the dog beds, near D. The war continues. It will as long as I have the determination to draw breath. There’s no end, just momentary lapses in the chaos.

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