D and I are heading to Tacoma today to see Lex and her fam. Amanda is coming to beagle/kitty-sit. It’s good to have friends that love our creatures. The writing went okay last night. I’m kind of stuck again, wanting to rework the entire novel still, but unmotivated. Le sigh.
But now, the laundry calls. Need to have the house clean for Amanda.
Have a loverly weekend.
I fell asleep at 8:30 this morning (I just got up, and it’s just after 12). I know that sounds awful, but if I could show you the colors of my mood from yesterday to today — you would be impressed. I think I can call myself a nice emerald green. Yesterday, I felt more pea green, all puke-colored and watery. So, it doesn’t make much sense. Shuddup. I feel better. And that’s just that. D is making me pancakes and fakin. I’m drinking my juice and planning my day. It’s going to be a good one.
I’m re-planning my novel. The core story that I wrote back in the spring that started my whole idea is the best part of what I’ve written. I am trying to take into account that I’ve edited the hell out of it, and it has a lot more flavor than the rest of my stuff, but my workshop group seems unenthusiastic with the beginning part of the novel. My solution is to retype the whole thing. That may seem kind of extreme, but for me, it’s cathartic and brings clarity. Besides, I have to change the tense. Everyone wants it in past tense. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, but I am going to do it for now and see how it feels when its finished.
C and I spent the other night in the NW part of the city - in her favorite neighborhood. We had dinner (of french fries) and drinks at a place called Gypsy. It was quiet there. The interior glowed with warm light, and I loved most of the music they played. Although, then they later rocked it out with Guns and Roses - not one of my favorites. Throughout the night, C and I were smiled at and talked to by strangers. But people in Portland are just like that. An older gentleman and his companion parked next to our table (we were sitting outside) and he asked me, jokingly, to keep an eye on the car. His smile warmed me. Then two very interesting suits came up and sat with us, well next to us. I didn’t offer our table. That would have been too familiar, but they sat in the table next to us. You could tell their change in demeanor once they saw our wedding rings. It’s funny how that happens.
**later in the day
I feel a lot better now. D and I rode. It took me forever, but the route is beautiful, if a little hairy in some places. We have to go over this short flyover with a very thin bike lane and fast cars, but beyond that it is the river, rolling hills, and lots of neighborhood scenery. The river is amazing. gnarled, twisted wood juts out of the water in random spots and because the river is low, you can see where old docks once sat. Now they are just remnants, but beautiful ones. The bike trail, and the river for that matter, run parallel to the airport. So when you ride it feels like the planes are going to land on you. It’s fun to watch them, although I should pay attention to where I am riding rather than the behemoths overhead.
Due to my blues and my lack of progress with school, we are going to forgo Foolscap. It hurts me to do this, but we just don’t have the time. D and I are going to head up to Tacoma to see Lex and the fam, but only for one day. She’s made a lot of treks down here to see us, so it’s our turn. It should be fun.
CONGRATS TO AMANDAPANTS!! She got hired by Progressive and starts next month. She rocks.
And C & B head to the coast for their anniversary trip. I’m sure she will take a million fantastic photos for us to drool over. That girl has an eye that is unrivaled.
And now that I am going to make dinner. We are starving after that ride. Have a good night all…
Frankie… I bought the snifty new one, and saw the problem with the volume and such. Just do a software update and it corrects the problem.
I love this keyboard. There are those out there who scoff at the flat design, but for me, a person who lives on the laptop, this kind of keyboard is wonderful. I would be happiest if the keys were closer together, but for now, it rocks.
D and I had a date last night. The restaraunt Read the rest of this entry »
D gave me his old G5.. so now this girl’s gotta desktop puter. I am going to need to get a new keyboard though. I’m not a fan of the apple keyboards. There’s a new one coming out that looks spiffy. Perhaps that will work for me.
I made a new discovery with this big puter and a big new monitor (dont fret…its not THAT big). most of my fucking pictures are BLURRY! GAH!
I think I shall go shoot myself now.
More new later…
I had caffeine after 9… sorry
This is chunky… I’m not up to editing.
I’ve taken to this whole “unemployed” thing. I spend my days reading, exploring the city, writing, and today I will garden. The yard is a blank canvas. It needs some love. We went to Home Depot the other day, Friday I think, and when I tried to pick up a bag of garden soil, my bare toe caught the wooden pallet. I ripped a chunk of it open. It bled profusely. D looked very worried as I insisted that we continue to shop for a trowell and a little shovel. My toe is fine. I’m wearing a pirate band-aid. And today I will plant my jasmine and the johnny jump-ups that I stole from my mother. Actually, she dug them up for me, but I thought it fitting that she gave me flowers.
Speaking of things from Mom. My mother has a major stash of jewelry. Much of it is costume, sparkley and dated, things that I don’t really want. But she has pieces, like a few opals, that I lust after. Then there were the bangles. See, when I decided that I wanted to wear bracelets again (yes, this was an active decision), I searched high and low for jangly bangles. I couldn’t remember where I got the longing from, but now I remember. My mother wore a set of 9 or so when I was a child. They sounded cheerful. Lex and I went through Mom’s stuff, with her permission of course. She sat with us, told us the stories behind some of the pieces. We saw things that Mom wore when we were kids, and some awful charms we bought her. She still has the Gonzo charm, and the little frog. Kids don’t have much taste. Then she pulled out the bangles. I traded my traveler’s bracelet. It means a lot to me, but I love that Mom’s wearing it now. And on my wrist, the happy bangles jangle, and I think of her and my childhood.
The road trip with Lex was fun. I took some amazing pictures of rocks in Utah ( I really do hate that state), but I drove a lot of the way, so I don’t have very many pictures. We spent a lot of time with Mom, and we had some good discussions. One thing I will have to do in the future is to protect the posts about my family. I refuse to let my contemplations and observations to be used as weapons against my family. Unfortunatly, that could and would happen. So, I get to talk shit as usual, I’m just going to limit who sees what. The password will be different this time, but e-mail me when I post somehting and you are curious.
D and I went to C and B’s house last night. He has a PS3 —- I WANT ONE! So purdy. *stars in eyes*
Now, before I go and eat.. a list for you.
I’m going to disappear until next week, kiddies. I have a deadline tomorrow (which of course will kill me) and then D and I are going with C and B to Crater Lake for B’s birthday! Wh00t! I’m going camping!
See you next week
These are just a few shots. I haven’t gotten them all worked out yet, like a bathroom shot or a good image of the living room, but you get an idea. Wanna come over?
We got a nice little post-it note last night from someone who lives near us. It said simply “Your dogs bark all the time! Perhaps you should close your windows or something.” Really? All the time? Truly?
I have one thing to say: Fuck you.
I know this is probably from our next door neighbors. They are aloof and snooty. I’ve tried to say hello several times, but she just preens in her front yard while fucking with her roses and petting her cat. I wrote her distance off because I was wearing my septum ring. It’s a little scary, I guess. But she and her husband just LOVE to scream orders at each other in the morning on the weekends and slam doors. Their driveway is right next to our bedroom. I am tempted to be petty and start blaring D&B, but I’m not completly sure it is them. But they look like post-it-note kind of people. Fuckers.
For the record our dogs DO bark. They are fucking dogs. We are also on a really busy street with a bus-stop right in front of our porch. I’m so fucking sorry they are good at alerting the world to the presence of strangers. They don’t bark much when we are home. Sometimes they bark when they are are in the yard, but we have people on 2 sides. Frankly, that’s to be expected. So I am going to keep the windows (most of them anyway) closed when we leave. We don’t have very many that open, so this pisses me off. It gets warm in here. It is, after all, summer. Granted, we aren’t in Florida with 95+ temps wiht 95% humidity, but what ever. Damn, people just piss me off.
I haven’t written a lot lately, I know. I’m a berry bad blogger. So, you get a list, because I’m supposed to be editing my workshop partners’ stuff, but I needed a break.
I really do have to get back to writing. The time is slipping away on me, but I guess that happens when you wake up late. I think D wants dinner and my tummy is a little rumbly.
I’m such a narcissist . Alas, it’s been a crazy year. So, happy unbirthday to the rest of you. 
Now, I’m gonna eat some cookies!
I planned on getting a chunk of my writing done today, but last night I had a manic snap…and it lasted until I went to bed sometime after 6 this morning. I figured after dawn hit that I should try to sleep. It didn’t work out well, but because I’m all kinds of sparky right now, I’m not having a problem. Ask me how I am in a day or so when I crash. And this manic snap is not a cooperative one. When I stare at the screen, instead of focus (which I do get sometimes… although not as often as I would wish) I found distractions in the horrific stories of the day and the local coverage of Ikea’s opening on the 25th. YES! IKEA FOR MY BIRTHDAY! How did they know ? *smirk* Okay, so it’s the day after my birthday…who cares. Close enough.
Things here in good ‘ole Portland are strange right now. I waver between the working world and the newness of it all. We went to Powell’s twice this week. I needed books for school, I swear. But it is the greatest bookstore I’ve ever been in. All of the authors I love are there, with old editions and new. I found a book on american slang from the ’50’s. I didn’t buy it. I don’t know what I would use it for yet. Trust me, I’ll find some way to buy it. And everyone here does ride their bikes. Even now, at almost 12, someone rode by, heading home. It’s a great thing to see. Although, I must remind you all — my road is fucking busy. It’s worse than Nebraska, more constant. The upside is that I watch all of the interactions between the cyclists and the drivers. They are pretty patient with each other. The driver vs driver is remarkably different. If you are behind the wheel of a car, then things can get pretty hairy. People don’t drive consistently here. Some speed but LOTS of people crawl. There are less people on cellphones, but there are enough to piss me off. Such is city life.
A few things have come up that I’ve not commented on yet. Personal stuff, but who am I to keep my personal life hidden? I don’t have many secrets, this you should know. And I’m not ashamed to talk about most things. Oh, fuck it. I found out that papa-san (my stepfather) read the blog post from one of my visits to Colorado, when D and I flew out for mom’s 50th. It wasn’t a nice post, to say the least. I was in a bad space, in a very dark place, and feeling uneasy with my relationships with everyone. That post and most of my other ones, are/were written without thought. I don’t edit, and I talk about almost everything I feel. It seems he felt hurt by the post and it was stated to a relative as the reason why he didn’t come or even express interest in coming to my graduation. To say our relationship is okay is being generous. I don’t know who he is or why he is so distant with me. I can only assume that it is the result of our disagreements and disappointments over the years. Add to that - long held resentment for my desire to rekindle a relationship with my father and an inability to communicate - well its not the recipe for a loving relationship. What I find most frustrating and hopeful — his conversations with me. He told me not to subject myself to a career that didn’t involve doing what I love to do — that I should not compromise on that and to fight for a job that fulfills me. It felt wonderful when he said that. It felt like he really got me. I hoped that conversation would be the beginning of something bigger, but it wasn’t. It was just a nugget, a spark. But it is what I will keep with me now. Things between my parents have been mostly crap for years. It’s been hard to watch, and although I love both of them, my Mom is always my biggest worry. She’s not fragile or weak, but constant stress brings out the worst in all of us. I just want everyone to be okay.
On a brighter side - Cat and I have had a great time together. She and B took D and me to the farmer’s market on Saturday. The guys carried big jasmine plants while Cat and I carried our veggies. Prior to that, Cat and I spent the afternoon downtown, talking about relationships and possibilities. I can’t explain how wonderful that afternoon was. It wasn’t just the bright sky and amazing setting (she took me to her favorite neighborhood, and I felt like a tourist — I kept gawking), it was the honesty and comfortable feeling that settled into me. My trust issues remain. It’s a problem I know I have to deal with, but she’s helping me through that by just being there. she and her huzzie have been instrumental in my settling into the city. It’s the nooks and crannies that make a home, and knowledge of those places in Portland that make me feel like I belong here and not like some impostor. It is home here. Cat helped that a lot. And I shall repay her in salsa and laughter…. Oh! And she’s coming with me to Ikea for the opening. That’s friendship.
A woman at the Cup and Saucer, a wonderful restaurant near the house, has the same Celtic knot as I do. It’s on her lower back. she got hers in australia 10 years ago from a little tattoo shop. It’s blurry and needs to be fixed, but she loves it. I didn’t tell her the story about mine, because I am realizing that it doesn’t matter now. It’s there, and I love it still. Not because it is a reminder of what happened to me in Gainesville, but because it reminds me of all of the other possibilities that are out there for sisterhood. If you get a chance to go to this place - get their egg sandwich on sourdough. It makes me hungry just thinking about it.
D and I went to see 2 places for Amanda in the past 2 days. The first one was… stinky. No go. The 2nd I didn’t really get to see because they had already rented it out. It’s hard to find a place here. We really lucked out with our house. Oh! D smashed his head on the ceiling going down to the basement (I will try to take a picture to show you). He got to wear a pirate band-aid. It made things all better. So, Amanda will stay with us for a bit if she can’t get a place before she gets out here. Her kitties will go into the basement, which is not a scary basement, it’s just not all that inviting without furniture. I hope we can help her find a place. I know how freak it is when you are in house-limbo.
We don’t have squirrels or birds yet. This makes me slightly sad. I have my feeders up. Whats a girl gotta do in this town to get some squirrel love? (hehehe insert fuzzy dirty comment here)
I have phone calls that I need to return, but I will do that tomorrow. Right now I am going to read a book on writing archetypes and perhaps I can figure out how to get that 2nd paragraph written. Did I mention that I have 30 pages due next week?
I need a beer.
I’ve been here for a week, and I can’t even begin to tell you about all of it. I will be honest, though. Although I’ve got the words hanging on my fingertips, I haven’t shared them. I still don’t know what I should say. While the time has passed, I’ve come to understand the reality of leaving. I’m not from Orlando anymore. That’s hard for me to fathom right now. It’s the beer (they have the best fucking beer here!) and the sadness and knowing that it’s 11 my time and 2 in the morning in Florida and I can’t call any of you and share this. I’m known for my blatherings, but right now I have to stay silent. You are probably sleeping, and I respect that. Still, I wish I could call.
And there was way too many “I”’s in that prior paragraph.
I would like to share this, though. I am wearing a long-sleeved shirt and slippers. It’s colder. I love this shit.
My first observations of Portland:
When we got here, I knew immediately that I would love it. We erupted from the gorge and there was Portland. I called/texted Cat when we were on the river, and I tried to drive straight between the wind and wanting to watch the windsurfers on the river. They danced. I can’t say it any other way — they just danced on the water. As we came out of the gorge, we needed gas, and so began my second foray into not pumping my own gas. It’s fucking weird, I tell you. Very strange. I thought the first time was a fluke, but apparently in Oregon, you can’t pump your own gas. I haven’t taken the time to research the reasons why, but it bothers me. It means…….. I have to talk to strangers. Ugh. But when we got to our house, things started to settle down…and to begin.
At first blush, the house bothered me. All of the windows, save 6, are painted shut. And the AC I thought we had was actually just the air pump for the heater. Most houses don’t have AC here. Yeah, that is the suck. It got to 102 the day the truck came, and although the humidity was minimal, you still felt it. Not like you would in florida, but 102 in any state and you wish the world was made of iced tea and ice cream. Mmm… frozen dairy. Good stuff. It was only today that the house started to feel like our own. I hung paintings and ornamentation on the walls and found places for the kitchen gadgets. The back yard rocks. It’s about 1/3 the size of the the Nebraska house, but there are mature trees and lots of foliage. You can hear the trees sing.
And I had more to write….but its time for bed. More tomorrow.I miss you .
I wrote about the trip, the chaos and the amazing journey here, but it got lost in the shuffle from free wifi to paid and a few moments of “oops” when I thought I saved a blog post rather than just closing the window. It’s safe to say that D and I are finally in Portland. Our stuff got here yesterday. It’s been insanely hot (101 yesterday) and our AC is a little lazy. By lazy I mean - doesn’t fucking work. I’ve learned to love showers.
We do not get our internet hooked up until tomorrow, and I feel like an addict right now. I’m at a Starbucks (yes, you may flog me later, but it’s cool in here, they have wifi and I need to look some stuff up… so I will get with the hip cafes later) and I am trying to cram all of this work I need to do into just a little time.
What do I think? I love it here. Our house is on a very busy street - think Ferncreek, but constant. But we are walking distance to a grocery store and just a short ride to downtown. I love this place. We went to a brewery last night for dinner, and could get a veggie burger. I know this doesn’t mean shit to most of you, its great for someone who is tired of salads and potatoes.
I have more to say, but we are out of time.
Oh! I’ve not called for one big reason — the time shift is fucking me up. So, call me if you wanna chat! I am more than open to chat. Oh! And the cell signal in my house is shitastic, so I keep dropping calls. My solution to this is to leave my laptop on and online so if you wanna get to me, you can just IM me…. but that will start tomorrow.Right now … I head to Target…. ahhh… shopping!
After a hung over day of classes, stressing about getting lost on the way to the airport, the layover and stomach ache in Atlanta, and planning for the next trip —- I am HOME!
there’s much more to say, and I hate to be brief, but it’s good to be back. Amanda promised us dinner and I need some food…and some wine. hehehe…
I will post more about the last day of classes and such.
I remember sitting in my grandparents’ house, on the floor, juice in one hand and a PB&J in the other, watching him perform magic with science.
SOMEONE RENT TO ME!
There… I feel better now.
Our landlord showed the house last night. It was a surprisingly painless experience, except that she doesn’t know about Voodoo so we were trying to get the cats to hide. You know canned air? Yes, perfect Kitty pisser-offer. They didn’t come out of their hiding spots for a while. The landlord seemed really interested in what we were going on to do once we moved. She’s strangely bipolar - super friendly in once instance, and a raging douche bag in the next. I will miss her contradictory ways, though. It was strangely comforting. And when things broke, like the leaky ceiling, it was kind of fun to watch her freak out a bit and scramble. I am easily amused.
We applied for an apartment (did I mention that before?) and I am going to apply for a second one as well. It’s a 3 bedroom townhouse with wood floors. No porch though, and a laundry “facility.” When I talked to my sister, I finally understood that compromise is not a bad thing. I need to be flexible. I can save my birdfeeder, or give it to Anne (along with 25 dollars worth of frackin bird food). A house is my home in as long as I allow it to be. My attachment to the Nebraska Street house, aside from all its quirks, is because I settled into being D’s partner, building our lives, and become the super-dorky couple we are today.
The hunt continues. It’s all I can do right now. Other things are pressing harder on my psyche right now, such as my last day of work and the trip to Seton Hill. I will be relieved when Friday comes. No more drama. And then I fly out the following week. Meanwhile, I need to get the truck straightened out and a place to live. They won’t deliver our shit to a nonexistant address. I don’t blame them. It’s good to have an end point.
Is that weird?The trauma with my hands continues. I went to the doc and they told me that I have bone pain. No shit! I just paid someone money to tell me something I already knew? Lovely. Next, a hand doc. The bad thing is that I lose my insurance next week. Wonder if I can bang this fucker out.
Julie had her spawnling shower on Sunday. She raked it in - lots of diapers, cloths, spit-rags (eww!), and other baby things that confuse me. I love the Rev, and although our relationship has gone through a few hiccups (errors on my part) I am very well aware of what she means to me. But, this baby stuff? I just can’t get into it. I will be a good pseudo-aunt from a distance, and I am sure the kid will be adorable, but baby showers make me nervous for some reason. I was glad to go for her, but honestly happy when I escaped from the overwhelming sensation of drowning in estrogen and the deafening squeals of “Oooooh! That’s so CUTE!” Julie, I love you… truly. I bought non-pink items. Someone bought purple clothing! I should have thought of that!
D and I took Rojalita over to his mother’s house on Saturday. We got it detailed, sorta. Octopus did a fair job getting the car all spiffy looking on the outside, but there was still infernal dog fur in the back seat. I used to obsess about such things. No dog fur on couches and cars! Then again, the beagles are painfully adorable, and I relent. So, I tried to get as much fur out as possible, but Mom’s going to get the car detailed again. She wasn’t pleased with my air freshener. It plainly displayed the appropriate hand signals for irritating drivers. D knew it was there and didn’t take it down. He thought it was funny.
Shit! I need to drive nicely! Erica…remember the speed limit…. yes… the speed limit. Oooohhhmmmm…
This is kind of cool. If a drought has any benefits, perhaps revealing our history is one of them.
Mmm… Apple. Yes, I think Apples are cool just because they are from Apple. I’m a fan-grrl. Eat it!
5 Rides to work towards. I will be the bike mastah!
More biking in Portland! Fun fun fun…
Now it’s time for one of my bossy people to take me out to lunch. Mmmm lunch!
I have this nifty little counter on my iGoogle, so now I can freak myself out daily. Time, it flies so swiftly and drags painfully.
And I can’t count. Apparently I thougth that we had 5 weeks left. I really should brush up on my addition and subtraction. That whole math thing gives me a bloody headache. Don’t even ask me to multiply….
So, what’s left to do in 32 days?
I want to weave a musical spell
That leaves you unwell and thinking of me everyday
I want to play you a tune that leaves you marooned and troubled
Each time I’m away
Is there a melody - that could lead you to me - like a lullabied child lead to sleep?
So for one moment in time, you’d find that you’re mine
And softly I’d kiss you and weep
I want to write a simple song that’s so frequently sung
That you call me to have the thing banned
Who’s sound so endears that whole nations cheer and sigh
When you take my hand
Is there a melody - that could lead you to me - like a lullabied child lead to sleep?
So for one moment in time you’d find that you’re mine
And softly I’d kiss you and weep
God I’m a gambler that just wants to lose and be allowed to leave
I’m a traveler - with one last mile my journey is complete
I’m like a swallow that wants one long last look, before flying east
Last on my list - and then I quit - to kiss your lips and weep
I want to play a silver note that fills you with hope
And tames you to feed from my hand
A turquoise chord that invites you to soar
And fly… to a faraway land
A symphony that gently leads you to sit and be still with me
And grief doesn’t frighten me
As its worst it delights me
‘Cause I want to kiss you and weep
For I’m a gambler that just wants to lose and be allowed to leave
I’m a traveler - with one last mile my journey is complete
I’m like a swallow that wants one long last look before flying east
Last on my list - and then I quit - to kiss your lips and weep
Is there a melody - that could lead you to me - like a lullubied child to sleep?
So for one moment in time you’d find that you’re mine
And softly I’d kiss you and weep
I love you, Snoogs.
Meow | 
09 22nd, 2007| 