Moody Meow

I felt Friday course through me like a strong vodka, filling my veins full of glee. See, I haven’t been relaxed of late. I’ve allowed myself to become mired in emotional and situational pits of sludge. The weekend cleansed me of that.

So what did we do? Not a lot, and it felt great.
I can’t drink anymore because of my meds (let’s hear it for the damage done to my body by Serzone!) and not drinking has become a challenge to the social scene. Booze is a social lubricant, and makes many prickly situations slick and painless. Take that away and add my normal sarcastic charm, and I am better left at home. I imaging that I’ve become boring in the past year or so. Who knew that becoming an adult meant that your body rebelled more than your mind. I realize I am wandering a bit in my train of though, but I’m medicated now and it’s close to bed time.

D and I watched Walk the Line. I was quite impressed and feel the need to get some Johnny Cash on my iPod

I had more to say, about the weekend, about the blooming sycamore in my yard, about the continuing hassle with Vader (broken seatbelt and the seat rails are funked) but my arms just became spaghetti noodles. It’s hard to type with pasta appendages.

Nite

I am peeling.
I feel like a leezard (I know the spelling is incorrect, but it’s fun to say!).
Uberbot has Tokodoki!
The PSP has a Jak game (I love platformers)
I have to go to school to pick up paperwork for the incomplete I am going to take.
D and I have to get the seat and the seat belt fixed in Vader.
I need to ride.
I need a new light.
I will make a happy breakfast tomorrow.
My meds have interesting side effects…. did I tell you about them yet?
I think I am due for new glasses, at least ones I can ride with.
The Beagles and I get to go to the dog park.
David may come as well.

I am very glad it’s Friday.
And I may have a date tonight.

I found this creature more than a little amusing. David and I went to the small, organic grocery store in search of lip balm and something good to eat. As we pulled up, this beautiful cat stared at us. I took this picture from the driver’s seat, so you don’t get a true sense of this creature’s regal nature. I watched it watch me as we left the parking lot. I didn’t want to get too close because I didn’t want to freak out it’s parent by sliding up to the window and taking a picture.

It’s Friday. I’ve had a really short week work-wise, but I am glad it’s over. I would like to go to bed now. I can’t seem to wake up completly. Coffee. Need more coffee.

Work is quiet today. Half of the office is out today, so I get to listen to my NPR podcasts at a decent volume.

I am reading up on the side effects of my meds. It seems that I should get a rash at some point, and I will probably have a sensitivity to skin irritants. But the trade-off is stability. I am really hopeful that this will even me out without killing my creativity. I am on meds for Bipolar I when I thought I had II. The psych told me that she noticed my cycling as I sat in the session. I am going to pick up my other meds (to be used to calm me down until I get on a stable dose of the main stuff) and perhaps take a nap.

Did I mention Seemore bloomed? He’s not even the same tree! I love spring-ish time in Florida.

Oh, David made a great observation when we got home from Colorado. Florida is violently green, and I didn’t notice that until we were out in the washed out grays and tans of late-winter. When we move, I know I will miss the endless green. I’ve taken it for granted for so many years.

I hope you have a nice Friday!

I’m in a poop mood. I want to be able to ride 18 mph. That’s my big goal. But I feel like I should do that with my current bike (I’ve been pestering D for a real road bike for my big 3-0, which is not for over 4 months….). I’m just feeling sorry for myself for no reason.

Why do shrinks NOT have a live person answer their phones? Don’t they know that crazy people don’t want to leave a fucking message? I’m crazy…NOW! They are all fartfaces. All of them. Now one of them needs to gimme some drugs.

The mid-term last night went fine. I am sure I butchered some dates, but that’s the breaks with Art History. I almost peed myself when Leslie told us we weren’t able to use the bathroom during the test. If you have ever had a class with me, you understand the nature of my bladder. I ALWAYS need to go to the bathroom because I am drinking constantly, usually coffee or water. Leslie told us that it was a new rule because of some idiot-brain. And then she allowed us to use the restroom after she checked them. I didn’t get the story, but I am mighty curious. I also dumped a WHOLE cup of water on Vanya while we were studying. I’m a klutz. Go me!

I found the shirt that makes my boobies say “hello.” I just thought I would share that. I think it’s the bras I’ve been wearing.

I miss overalls. I found an old pair in a drawer that I stopped wearing because I started getting thicker through the middle. I really miss the ratty-ass pair that had holes in them. I found them at Thriftko for 7 bucks. I wore them to death. I need to find another pair. I don’t care how un-fashionable I am. I mean, come on, look at me! I shave my head and live in tank tops. I’ll never be a fashion queen.

I think we should impeach Bush.

My Tom Bihn bag was out of stock, so I got a different color. I am hoping it comes in soon! Bags make me happy. Especially Tom Bihn, and Chrome bags.

My earrings shoudl be here soon as well. I keep breaking/losing them. And because they are all hand-carved, if I mess one up I have to order a brand new pair. I got plugs with stars. I like stars.

I think I have rambled enough. Where’s my gum?

I didn’t sleep well last night, in spite of my physical exhaustion from the bike ride. Throughout the night I found myself having nightmares that involved co-workers that I have a problems with. There’s something eerie about your enemies haunting your dreams. But I made it to work in one piece, after D and I tried to run to Panera for some breakfast. They officially suck because they don’t open till 7.

My meeting with the bosses didn’t answer some of the questions I had, but they seemed to understand my plight and my concerns. I explained the extent of my problem and they agreed to be supportive while I find help. My director asked how long I would be with OUC, and I was honest and told him until I graduated. He understood, so I think things will stay calm here. Regardless, I am going to do my best to do my job and make sure that my private struggles stay out of everyone else’s gossip circles. I won’t be fodder for the masses.

Did I tell you about my 100 dollar cheetah? I own a 100 dollar toy. And it was an accident, really. D and I ran to Uberbot after breakfast so that I could fill my unhappy soul with some PVC love. On the shelf sat a black cheetah. He was cute, and he had a handgun. For some reason, he reminded me of Voodoo. I looked at the prices of the other figures and they all said forty bucks. More expensive than my normal toys, but part of the purchase from that line goes to wildlife conservation. The guy at the register looks a little too pleased that I was buying such a thing. “You know, this is well worth the price, I mean, cause it’s one of 100.”
“Really?” I said, trying to smile beyond the guilt of forty dollars. “I don’t mind about the price. They give to a great cause….”
“So, that’s 98.56” His smile told I’d just been suckered. David cleverly had his back towards me. I knew if I could see his face that I could somehow get out of paying almost one hundred dollars for a fucking toy. He kept his back turned. The cashier grinned at me. I walked out of Uberbot with a black cheetah holding a handgun – #46 of 100. He does look mighty cool on my desk, but a lump in my throat still forms at the thought. That kind of purchase is like taking off a band-aid – sometimes doing it quickly is the only way to keep it from hurting so much.

So here are some observations from this week:
* I really like getting up later – sometimes I wish I could negotiate a later work time
* Voodoo + car ride + wormer = vomitusmaximus – poor guy got sick all night after we took him to the vet for his annual shots. I think there’ s a reason they give you the wormer after the visit.
* Work sounds a lot better through my headphones and Dead Can Dance – I’m taking my “lunch” right now, and keeping my brain deep in DCD happiness.
* My friends seem to like my taste in music
* Care packages both given and received really make the world go around
* Although a longer bike ride may feel easy when you are still on the bike, you should remember that your muscles will hate you in the morning.
* Wild turkeys are fucking HUGE!
* I love David
* David is a bike-addict
* Daytime telly = stupid
* There’s something utterly freeing about having a two-hour lunch with a good friend.
* When the world hands you lemons, you slice those bastards up and put them on the rim of a nice cold glass filled with rum and coke.
* Dr. Pepper actually makes the world go around
* My friends are fantastic and I am ever grateful for their light and laughter.

But I will get to that in a bit.

My silence was intentional. I appreciate ALL of the phone calls that you made, all support and consideration offered, but I needed some space. Silence makes things clearer to me. Distractions from work, school and my family fell away and I had to listen to the voices in my head. They had a lot to say.

If you don’t know by now - I’m manic-depressive. This means that I (due to a flawed brain chemistry) cycle through states of high mania and deep depression. I also have this lovely little characteristic called rapid cycling, which means this progression happens swiftly, within moments. I am a crazy person. My depressions include: paranoia, decreased appetite, suicidal thoughts, and loss of interest in everything around me, persistent crying and a need for isolation. My manic episodes aren’t any more fun: insomnia, over-active talking and thinking, poor judgment, increased energy, inappropriate irritability and grandiose notions. Somewhere in the middle is where I want to be. And I used to delude myself into believing that the depressions were worse than the manias. They aren’t and when I walked out of work on Tuesday (I honestly thought it was Wednesday!) I was manic. I was mad. And while it wasn’t professional, it was necessary.

Beyond my obvious flaw, other weights keep shifting me off balance. Family stuff, the stress of school, our plans to move northward, trying to keep others afloat while they endure trials….well it all starts to wear on a sane person. It devastates a weaker one. The catalyst came from work, a place where I have felt increasingly at odds with everyone else around me. And work, is where this will all pivot tomorrow.

I won’t get into the specificities, but it’s enough to know that I balk when I feel discounted and when I surmise that people are more interested in playing games than getting a job done. I won’t pretend that I’ve been the easiest to work with, especially considering the world-view of some of my co-workers. It’s the emotional wear and tear I suffer from staying silent. I would make complaints to those higher than I, but I don’t want to become “that person.” My feet span a crevice - on the right are my personal beliefs, on the left is the need to maintain a paycheck and health insurance. I’m going to fall between these two eventually without help.

So, I came to some decisions this week. I very well may lose my job tomorrow for walking out. If I do, that will throw a few monkey wrenches in my plans. I plan on getting back on meds. I plan on working through this rough patch. I plan on not allowing myself to feel stupid for falling prey to this manic-madness. But it all hinges on tomorrow.

So, what have I been doing for these past days? Today David and I rode the General Van Fleet Trail and I saw a wild turkey. It’s very very rural and we had to turn back because we knew we were far from the nearest water station. We managed to eek out to just over twenty-five miles in a couple hours. The trail’s straight, flat surface belied some difficulty, but I loved it nonetheless. You ride upon a paved railroad track, and like all rail roads, it goes into some far off places. But the cool thing is the sound. You can’t hear anything except the wilds. Both humbling and magnificent, I felt at ease out there. We plan on going again next weekend.

We had dinner with Vanya and Tim last night. They were kind enough to make us vegetarian curry. Vanya’s been giving me hell for going all veggie and dinner was filled with good spices and endless ribbing about my leaving all meat behind.

David and I shopped for his coming birthday (it’s the 12th - and he would like gift cards from Orange Cycle). I got him the helmet he wanted and we both bought funny socks. Mine say “Bad Kitty” and he has one pair with a samurai on them. We are very easily amused.

I would say more, but I am beyond exhausted from our ride today. I’m sorry if this sounds incoherent, but I thought I would post before I headed to work in the morning. I think, for better or for worse, things will change with the morning. And I can’t wait.

Had a manic snap last night that kept me up until 3.
This means I didn’t sleep.
Still haven’t done much research for my 20 page thesis paper.
Have a story due by friday.
I hate insurance companies, even my own because we - the honest guys - are paying in time, tears and sweat because our insurance company isn’t sure the damage to the back of the car is from the accident.
I think insurance fraud is reprehensible.
I want to hit something.
I don’t want to hit another car, however.
I really want to go riding.
If the dogs don’t cheer me up on my run I am going to find the nearest Saturn owner and kick them in the shins.
G-mail chatty thing is saving me right now.
Care packages make my world go around
(I am trying to think happy thoughts)
I can’t really run because my hip still hurts from the accident.
If I don’t run or bike then I am going to hurt someone or myself.
I think that running is better for everyone.
I should go to the master class tonight and listen to the poet-chik speak, but instead I am going to work on my story.
I almost like it.
It’s unlike anything else I’ve written.
It includes a barn.
I like barns.

I think I will go eat my salad and see if some spinach and tea make me feel better. Hope your day isn’t as shit-tastic as mine.

I’m not in a fluffy, it’s all going to work out like it’s supposed to, mood. Nope, not at all. Why? I don’t really know why. I know I am tired. I know that for the first time since I quit, I really want a cigarette (just one drag off a clove would satisfy me). And I know this anger and lust for a temper tantrum will fade. It’s just a shift in moods, Erica. That’s what I keep telling myself. But damn, sometimes I just want to kick people. So, I remain quiet at my desk. I listen to Arabic Chillout, ignore the looming printer issues, and feel my innards burn with rage.

It will fade. It always does.

This is that post where I reveal something exciting and new.

Just kidding. That’s not this post. This post, however, is a testament to the value of moving your ass in the face of manic depression.

I got home, and the beagle-boys and I went for a run. My new pants accentuated my assetts. Not that you really need to know that, but I was amused when someone honked at me. I wasn’t even in the streets. Sometimes I love my booty. But I digress. I had a hard time on a few of the sections, but I allowed smiles to float me through the mental chop. People love seeing two dogs leashed together, merrily strolling down the street. I don’t know what it is about them, but almost everyone smiles at me. This is wonderful! I used their passing happiness to move me through some darker doubts lingering in my head. Then I tried a word: better. I kept kind of chanting it to myself and I was so focused on the word that the sections passed by almost swiftly. I felt better. I was running towards a better self- image. I was moving towards a smaller pant size which in turn would translate into better health. I compelled myself into the whole word, and I ran better. I’m not into positive reinforcement normally. That kind of “say postive things and they will happen” fluffy hippy shit really never appealed to me. But one word really made it better.

When I got home, D and I hopped on the bikes. It was grocery shopping time. I gave myself about 15 minutes to cool down (I overshot my run by a fair distance and ended up walking back to the house from about Marks and Ferncreek) and then we were on our way. Remember, D is a fair ammount faster than I am. Shit - look at his vroom-vroom bike! But he was kind enough to stay with me for most of the ride. I noticed that the distance seemed shorter this time. When we first got the bikes last year, Baldwin Park seemed far on an Erica-propelled craft. This time, in slightly better shape, it didn’t feel as long. I had a blast. The ride home proved to be challenging, but in the end I moved my ass from about 3:30 until 5:30 when we got home. Not bad

Then I took a nap. My muscles are still really tired. And I have a doc appointment tomorrow so I have to go in really early. Still I feel like concrete - alternatly heavy, but impossibly strong.

I meant to post yesterday, when I sat on my ass all day. Our grand plans for a long bike ride fell victim to my fear of falling too far behind and depression. Yes, it’s that time of the month kiddies. If you need to find out why I’m crazy, or especially bitchy, look at the moon. I almost always bleed with the full moon. It goes full on Saturday. I can’t wait till then.

D coaxed me out of our darkened bedroom. He made me laugh. I think it’s the only cure for that kind of madness. And we walked in the cool evening, with two beagle-butts bouncing in front of us. Dinner of sushi and the replacement of my exercise pants (which I bought too large, strangely), we headed home to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I loved the movie. I loved feeling better and holding D’s hand for almost 2 hours.

I took a shower after the walk. I really tried not to beat myself up for being uncooperative and stubborn. You see, we all know it’s coming. Watch the moon wax and wane and witness the erosion of my ability to deal with everything and anything. I’m so tired of being mean, or doing things that warrant an apology. I’m tired of David being right when it comes to the effects of my unknown hunger or lack of sleep (when I eat, nine times out of ten, it makes me feel better, and David looks at me knowingly…and I tell him he was right…it’s almost a ritual now.) I wish I could just manage this mess on my own, but I just forget and fall into the blue and can’t get out without being reminded of the things that work for me. Why can’t I just do that myself? And why won’t I cooperate with his suggestions? Damn, it’s just so infuriating, because sometimes it feels like I am trying to sabotage everything that I hold dear. It’s annoying being in my skin sometimes. It’s just fucking irritating.
I realize that the tone of this is quite “woe-is-me” and I don’t mean it as such. I just get really frustrated with myself, wanting to reach out to those I love and trust, but how exciting is “Erica’s having an episode?” Do you really want to hear me whine and rail against the world? For the first few times, perhaps it would entertain just a touch. But misery is sandpaper for the soul….it doesn’t feel good - especially when it’s someone else’s misery.

The sad thing is that I am in a fine mood this morning. My sinuses are acting up, and I have decided to take a 1/2 day off on Friday, but otherwise, it’s Monday. I am going to run today (regardless of a new shoe purchase) and bike to Baldwin Park Publix with D for groceries.

This is my last week before school starts. One year to go, people. All I have to say is “Holy Shit!”

Oh…one more thing. I make some kick ass French toast. Just thought I would share.

I have to enter timesheets now. And I am still not smoking. Go me!

With the cold came a snap. I couldn’t rest, my mind aflutter. I thought the wind howling outside kept me awake that night, but truly, it was my own restless thoughts. Last night, desperate for sleep, I shared wine with David. It slowed things down, temporarily. I am awake again, bouncing my foot on my chair because I have to move. I have to apoligize to Tali and Lindsey for the conversation last night. I didn’t mean to speak so fast. Sometimes I embarrass myself with this shit. I know I talk about it often, but I am really trying to work through the hows and whys of the thing. The last option is meds. I just don’t want to do meds.

The snap this time really threw me off. The severity and strength of this swing left me reeling. I keep hoping if I pay attention to the triggers that I can alleviate the unstable nature of my moods. But no matter how you slice it, I’m still manic depressive. And I still have swings. And the only thing I can do to control things is to move my ass. Simple enough. But sometimes not so simple.

But onto happier things.

I get a nice long weekend. That makes me quite happy. The problem is that I have to study for my Humanities final and write the paper for Levis and write the paper for Baroque. So……busy weekend. Squeeze in: More of the goofy Tali and Erica hour, Aeon Flux (yes, D bought it and I am a spoiled bitch), Frankie’s casa for some music, excess coffee, a drink or 5, a run, and more homework, turkey and family, phone calls, setting something on fire, studying and more homework.

I noticed this morning that my bed is extremely comfy and that the beagles wanted me to go back to sleep. How do I know this? Pip came up and laid next to me, his head on my shoulder. This translates into “please stay home and snuggle.” I wonder if I could have gotten him to write me a note “Dear Work, Erica cannot come in today because she has to chill with her creatures. Thank you, the Fuzzy Collective” That would totally work.

Fat Bastard Shiraz - cheap and quite delish!
I think we are going to try to see Harry Potter again this weekend, or something. Perhaps I will just delay watching it again until school is out on December 8th. That is going to be a week of celebration for me. It also signals one more year till I graduate. Wooo hoooo!

It’s amazing the clarity that comes with therapy. I fell asleep when I got home. It felt like two children of amazing weight were pulling at my eyelids. Pip and I laid down for “just a minute” and D found me about a half hour later, sleeping deeply. I admit my bitterness at being woken. But I trudged off to the appointment after grabbing a granola bar and a soda.

Dr. M really possesses a piercing perception. I won’t get into the gross details of things, but I tried to explain the tension between Papa-san and I and how I truly believed it stemmed from the deadbastardbrother’s funeral (this is a wake up call to all of you - don’t ask if you don’t want the truth) and all the events that followed. I don’t think he and I will ever be friends. That bugs the hell out of me. Then we contemplated my immersion in the lives of my family, being influenced emotionally by the wants/needs/longings/pain of others. She had an affirmation that fit perfectly. It said something to the effect of “You may revel in empathy from afar, but allow those with troubles to fall and stumble upon their own path, for it is their path of learning.” So, I am going to try to do that. I am a know-it-all and I feel like because I’ve walked deeper and darker roads that I know how to help (push) others through their problems. It’s not my job. In contrast, this affirmation is good in theory, but I have a tendency to give until it hurts (or until I get resentful, which I am working through now). Time to pull back a bit and work on me. I must also work on not giving unsolicited advice….that’s going to be quite hard for me. I suppose this is all a part of the growing process.

Today I have 2 classes. Today we are also going to be discussing the possibility of a hurricane strike in our area. A lot of people are not worried about it here, but remember that Charley took an unexpected turn, and all of our state is at risk. I almost wish it would hit here rather than in sofl so that my Grandparents could be spared. They don’t need this stress and this uncertainty weighing on them. Not that I want it myself, but I would rather it be me.

The squirrels that I mentioned yesterday are playing again this morning. I think it’s a game of “chasey-chasey” and perhaps I will see some baby squirrels sometime soon. The couple that frequent Seemore’s boughs seem quite pleased that I put the old birdfeeder back up. They broke the one I bought for it’s “squirrel-proof” features. I didn’t think they would just knock the whole thing out of the tree, shattering it so that they could get to the seed. I need to name them. I like Fleck, for the female, who flips her tail all the time. The male is Maurice (he’s French, but doesn’t’ know it)….yes. That works for me.

I realize that my mundane entries probably bore most people. I read other people’s blogs, with their chaotic and exciting lives in the nightlife, where they always seem possessed by some tragic inclination. I read their posts. Then I read my own. Personally, I like my squirrels and new porch chairs. No, it’s not that exciting, except for those of you that like porch time.

I shall now go back to drinking my coffee and contemplating my navel (which is what I tell D I am doing when I’m tired).

One link for you! It’s a video from NASA showing all the hurricanes this year. It’s Quicktime and quite large (either that or my connection is slow as shit at work). It timed out when I was trying to download it, but I got to see a few form. There are also shots of Katrina and Rita for your viewing pleasure. Nature’s just bloody amazing sometimes.

Where is everyone today?
Did you all get skeered ’cause of da cane?
Are you shopping for batteries and water?
Did you know that Samhain is just a couple of weeks away?
Did you know that a year ago yesterday I asked D to marry me?
Do you know where your children are?
Do you know why I feel like I need more coffee?
Do you have my lunch?
Did you like your lunch?
Do you want to go running with me this afternoon?
Do you actually know me?
Are you a lurker?
Do you make comments?
You you make nasty comments?
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Are you aware that there is a Cat 5 hurricane headed for Florida?

Just thought I would ask. Obviously I’m talking to myself, so I shall go back to mumbling profanities at my computer.

Links for your entertainment, since you don’t want to talk to me.

The Bubble Project ! I thought this was brilliant. I want my own bubbles to smack around town. I would be curious to see the commentary in Downtown vs Winter Park (although, it just depends on where you put the bubbles in Winter Park)
SF Cover Explorer I am easily amused. But there are some rockin’ covers! I kept trying to find ones from 1976…yeah…the year I was born. Shite, I feel old today!
Tidy Up iTunes MP3 collection I really need to do this. If I am going to procure more music, I need to get better organized. NEED MORE MUSIC!! (if I do my run/walk thingy all week I get a new album! YAY ME!)
CNET News.com’s Blog 100 I love finding new blogs. This is a pretty good list, although I found that I already read or tried to read a number of these. I should do Erica’s top 100 blogs…. I would give out a trophy too, because people just don’t give out enough trophies!
‘konnichi wa, watashi wa Sidore-chan desu..’ Just observe. I found this link at Salon, and read a very interesting article about these Doll people. Hey, I say, if they aren’t hurting others with their fetish, then who the fuck cares (and if they ARE hurting others and the others like it, well that’s okay too).

shitshitshit. I don’t want to be manic. My computer screen looks too bright and I need to sound at least slightly intelligent when I meet with Leslie today. is it a sugar rush or the result of sleep that I’ve missed one too many times. I wonder if a smoke would help. Yes, the screen is really bright, all the colors in my world have a slight edge to them, like they’ve been traced in something brighter. Yes, this is what rapid cycling is and sometimes it scares the shit out of me. So, I roll with it because there’s really nothing I can do about it at work. It’s quite distracting. I know that I’m trying to write it out of my system right now. that never works. I need to remember not to think with the reptilian part of my brain. Logic rules…yes…logic. Shite. Manic. Shit.

Visually, it feels like the tail end of a long acid trip. I don’t want visuals though, that would mean I’m really crazy.
Smoke time.

I have my first appointment with my therapist this Friday. She was kind enough to fit me in on her lunchbreak. I feel like I should pick up something from Panera for her, to kind of soothe the interuption. How did I choose her among the 67 therapists listed on Aetna site? She’s female. Her last name stars with “Mc” and she’s on Montana Street. I live on Nebraska Street. She’s right in my hood. I knew I made the right decision when I heard her voice, warm caramel with a hint of spicy coffee. She soothed my nervousness. I hope she in person she’s as warm and welcoming.

After months of angst and rage, this is a positive direction. I feel both shamed and happy. There will always be a part of me that smarts at the thought of outside help. But I understand the wisdom that comes in understanding your curse. For over four years I have mustered through without professional help. I must remind myself that using it now is not weak. More than anything I feel relieved. I can finally gush and rage, and wither and cry to someone who hovers somewhere outside my everyday world. I know with this my personal and work relations will get better. If they don’t……well I hear that the nunnery is in need of a few good women!

I am sitting here trying to figure out how to explain this in a “writerly” fashion, but I can’t. I shall give you the details and I hope you get the belly-laughs like I did.

David is going to take over the Vatican. We’ve decided that we are going to kick out the current Pope in favor of some truly new flesh. Yes, the kind of flesh that hasn’t stepped into a church for years. Think about it! It’s a fresh perspective! So, he shall ordain himself Pope Coolius the First. And in celebration he shall start up a new band, called “Cardinal Sin.” They will play for the thousands that will flock to the hug (Bernini’s hug) to be embraced and blessed by the new Pope-ster. Frankie, Carnial Geekiumus, is the offically Holy Cagedancer. Yes, he dances in cages. With or without the cloak for your viewing pleasure.

There’s more to this. Trading real wine for the wine. Hosting the “V” games in the Holy City. (sort of like the X games, but way more holy) He would not have a Popemobile - he would have a Pope-ter (a scooter…..ciao!). And I am sure the beagles would be holy something as well.

I am butchering this, but he made me cry with laughter today…yes….yes he did.

I know this comes as no surprise to anyone, but I’ve been unbalanced of late. Yeah, I know, it’s a shocker. So, after much internal dialog I’ve gone through the first steps to make an appointment with a therapist, which include phone calls, speaking to four different people from my insurance company, and lots of note taking. The therapist I chose has an office close to the casa, so I can just scoot back home after the visit. I left a message with her this morning, but I left her my cell number. My cell is, of course, completely dead. YAY ME! But I will try to grab the message when I drive home. I think I have the charger in the car… I think.

Brains (my coworker whose name is actually Brian S, but I like brains better) took me out to lunch. I craved comfort food. I devoured chicken fingers, fries and a frosty. All those parts of a healthy diet that a growing girl needs. He took me out because he realized that something troubled me. The tears probably gave it away. I admit that my cruelty governs movement through the workplace. I admit that my flaws often outshine my attributes. Brains thought taking the conversation outside of work would be best. He wanted me to know that people do not understand the erratic shifts, the “unseen claws.” The conversation reaffirmed my belief that I need to do something with outside help. I felt better about my decision with a full stomach.

“Look, babe. See it? It’s Mars.”
I pulled my new glasses down onto my nose, squinting at the small speck of red in the sky. I finished classes with a long exhale, and found home comforting. Something violent still stirred beneath my chest.
“Yeah, that’s cool.” Mars winked at me from down the street, near a tree limb losing its leaves. I wondered where He lay in the charts at that moment. Rough, raw, with just a little bit of bleeding, I felt a war within go silent. But, it was just a lul.

I knew when I went to bed that sleep would not come easily. Five solid nights of loud thoughts booming behind my eyes. I asked D to set the alarm for 5 this morning. His puzzled look made me smile. It would be better for all if I just got up early and made up an hour or two at work.

When the alarm stirred all creatures, save D, I made my way to the kitchen to feed the dogs. I’m not tired this morning. I don’t know how exhaustion hasn’t taken me down yet, but I will make it through the day without incident, I think. Still, the war is there for all to see. Were my emotions easily hidden I could be private about this struggle. It would be less embarrassing. D tells me all the time that I’m better now. That meds didn’t quell the swings. What would it be to not be mad? He likes to rationalize out the moods. Sometime’s there’s no trigger. It’s just the nature of the twisted beast I carry in my brain. Sometimes it just doens’t make sense. So, I will get up early. Try to be quiet in the kitchen when I’m grabbing things to snack on during the day. And I will slip out the front door, nearly unoticed. When I drive, my eyes will be on the road, but my mind always lingers on the jagged edges of the cliff. I’ve grown tired of struggling to hang on, and sometimes I would just love to let go. Then I remember that D sleeps soundly in our bed, with two beagles by his side. My cats probably took refuge in the dog beds, near D. The war continues. It will as long as I have the determination to draw breath. There’s no end, just momentary lapses in the chaos.

Where did all the slackers go??
::: knocks on her monitor ::::
Is anybody out there?

::sniff::

Don’t tell me I actually have to work now….
Even D’s abandoned me.

I think I shall go drown my sorrows in a Dr. Pepper. (which I can do because I worked out on my break…although I did upper body weights and my hands feel heavy. Never mind. I probably can’t lift the damn can.)