I will admit to keeping one out. It’s about my birthdaughter and was intended on being a private post. And it was from last summer. Some know the details, but I have no right to write about her in such a public setting if I am sharing such things.

But here are the rest. They are in a random order. The bold parts were the blog titles. Enjoy.

Day 4 – Leslie B. - I still think that painting had cows coming out of a gold sky, not more fucking angels. Pretzels, barefoot, and the same questions every semester. You make me miss school.

Little intrusions into our life – I am still quite annoyed that IE doesn’t have spell check. I sound like a moron, with all these typos (and apparently I spell lightning – lightening…. I dunno. It made sense).

My soul is whole – He’s home. We got a call from a nice guy who lives a few blocks away from us.

Tearing my hair out and sweating – I’ve been silent because I’ve been writing. It’s slow going, honestly. I spent many nights just sitting in front of my computer, trying to figure out what I needed the story to do. Then I lost my mentor’s e-mail address. It’s just been a fucking mess. The good thing is that I’ve got 30 pages due on August 10th, and I am starting a writing schedule. No more dicking around, god damnit (I’m in a cursing mood…. feh).Before you ask, no I’m not working. We will discuss that later. I would like to talk about my birthday. It fucking rocked. Alexis came down from Tacoma, C came over, and Amanda got to Portland that very day, so we all bounced downtown for some dinner. It was a good meal.

I’m awake before noon - I don’t know if WordPress (and my site for that matter) has changed the time when I blog, although its been so infrequent lately. But, ladies and gentle-dorks, I would like to talk about sleep. It’s three, sometimes four in the morning before I hit the hay. It’s weird to think that many of my Florida friends are already at work, or getting ready by the time I get to sleep. The sunset/sunrise times have also thrown me off. When we moved here, it wasn’t getting dark until after 9:45, and then the sun would rise super early

Privacy - There are some things that I think I need to hash out, mostly with myself. That being said, I’ve noticed an increase in traffic from “unknowns” and I know who, at least some of them, are. So, in order to protect those I love, I am going to lock a few things down for a while. There’s a lot of trauma in my family right now, strife between the members and things that shouldn’t be said out loud. I’m not closing my mouth at all, but I won’t allow my opinions to become ammunition against those I love. If there’s a locked post, it will have its usual password (if you don’t l know it — e-mail me).

The trip is almost over. Lex and I are in a hotel room in Idaho.

Running out - It’s official. I am out of meds. What to do? I’ve spoken with D about it and we agreed that I could go to walgreens and get raped for my lamictal, but the healthier (heheh… interesting how that works out eh?) option is to try to control my manic depression on my own. How? Diet, exercise, honest observation of triggers, making myself sleep and …and just trying to pay attention. I won’t go batshit immediately because I do have a decent buildup in my system, but the chemical protection will erode with time, and in about a month, I will be without any kind of chemical help. This wasn’t a choice I wanted to make. My insurance ran out with my last job, and I fluffed the system enough to give me a little leeway until we got to Portland. But, I still don’t have a job. So, no help with the meds. It would cost more than our car payment for my medications…. how fucking insane is that ?

I’ve not talked about grad school much here. I’m setting up a seperate (see: proper) blog for my book reviews and such. But I really feel lost sometimes.

Cutout - First day – I had first day of work jitters last night. Would they like me? Can I do the job? Do they have good coffee (my prior place of employment had shite coffee)? D called at 8:10, but by that time my two alarms had already interrupted my sad attempts to fall back to sleep. I stayed up too late, worrying. And so when the morning came, I wanted to go back to sleep, like I have been doing for months. But that was a no-go.

When I got to the office, coffee and water in hand, I was greeted by my boss, who we will call P, and the GM named A. I met everyone else, smiled, waved, and then almost fell out of my seat when P began dictating the list of things I had to accomplish. Then he left, and I realized, with shame, that I didn’t know how to do anythign on the list, so I started small and arranged my desk. It’s not that the job will be hard, because it won’t, but getting the hang of a new system of protocols, rules and regulations will take time.

Links - * The Ironman trailer — D’s excited. I’m less than thrilled. The flying scene does look really nice, but I don’t know about the rest of it.
* We watched the trailer for the Bionic Woman. I had high hopes (I still love Battlestar), but it looked like crap. The story was poorly executed and the characters felt super flat. I think that they should take their time developing the characters, because then it makes for a deeper connection. Perhaps these issues had something to do with the problems with the show. Then again — it could just be crap.

When it rains…. - Jeezus. So, it’s been a busy little trek through the life of me. On top of family issues, tension in the home, and conflicts/issues with extended family connection — welll I feel like I’m drowning.

I need valium - Or a stiff cocktail.

It’s snowing!! - I am cooking lunch, wearing my purple fuzzy socks and a smile. Oh, and clothes too. Perverts.

for me – I’m fucking angry, and I don’t think that I need to submit the rest of you to this, but there’s a lot that’s pissing me off right now, so this will be protected.

my family is pissing me off… specifically my stepfather. For the first timein my life I realized that I’ve never really had a father.

Ketchup… – Or catch-up. which ever you prefer.

The halloween party was a hit. I dressed up as a white trash preggers person, with curlers in my hair and all.

Do we still need animal testing? – And does it really work?

I don’t know, and am scared to ask, what kind of trails were used for my meds. There have been several cases recently where drugs

Is this fair? – I know that you still speak with the one that slighted me. And I thought that I was a grown-up about it, but I’m not. How can you even think to associate with someone who hurt a person you care about? Anne had it right — you should choose. I’ve tried to be the bigger person here, but I’m immature when it comes to this kind of thing. You are going to keep her in your life, keep contacting her although she took you for granted and used you. And it pisses me off to no end. Where is the loyalty? Why is this such a problem for me? And I know you will keep talking to her, no matter how fucked up that situation was. And I know that you will keep her around, and I know that it will effect our relationship because I don’t believe in supporting someone or being friends with someone who is such a cunt.

I told you how I felt about it. and perhaps I should be clear about things. Perhaps I should stop bullshitting you, but I’ve tried to be the bigger person and its not working.

Where you sleep – My sister wanted to sleep between D and I. I told her that the dogs already had that position — chastity beagles. She said she would “woof” if we wanted. My sister is twisted and she always makes me giggle. There was lots of family conversation last night, but the most important thing was the solidification of the plans for May. I am graduating in a few months. I am scared. But my family is going to stay at mi casa for the 5 days they are going to be in town. Cat’s trip is shorter than she first thought, but we are going to drag her and Jewlie to dinner at Babbos. (there will be no argument Cat!). I was very proud of myself yesterday. I bought a queen sized mattress for someone to stay on. I am planning ahead. Go me!

I accidentally put too much sugar in my coffee. Gah!

I have my first midterm today. These years, this point, so close to completion, I am fucking terrified.

Dark to Light:

On an introspective note – We are coming up on the 3 month mark until the move. The plans for homes and jobs and such are coming together. But I realized yesterday, I won’t see summer with Seemore. The other students at Rollins are talking about summer classes and bitching about the lack of Humanities cores available in the fall.

I thought about it while I drove – Do Conservatives write poetry? Does the Christian Right (wrong) find inspiration from writing verse or essays that are reflective or creative versus bombastic condemnation with poorly chosen metaphors?

Changes to come – I am learning a lot more about the abilities and possibilities with WordPress,

Walking on Sunshine – I called my mother, my daughter’s family, my sister, my brother, and a few friends and told them all about my good news. My birthdaughter seemed only slightly impressed. I was happy to hear that she’s no longer failing Science, and that she got an A in PE. Did I ever tell you how I used to get bad grades in PE because I wouldn’t dress out ? Seems the apple and the tree have something in common. The Birthdaughter and her mother are going to Australia on Saturday. I’m jealous. She offered to take me along.

Boogers and fleas - Good god. My head is killing me. K i l l i n g …. meeeeeee. I would like to crawl into a hole and die right now. It’s making my eyes tired. I’m nauseous. Does anyone have a drill so I can relieve the pressure? An axe? An exacto knife? please?

I’ve had this headache for two days now. It started before I left work yesterday, and although I love my Composite Novel class, I had to squint through the pain. I thought sushi would cure my ailment. It didn’t. I pouted for the rest of the night. It doesn’t help that the beasties has fleas.

So, I am going to whine now. Ready? You sure?

What you won’t hear - Mom called last night, just to tell me she was calling not to bitch. I talked to her the other night, and she did bitch. I don’t mind those conversations. I enjoy them, actually. Although she’s my parental unit, she’s also one of my closest friends, so it feels good when she calls to bitch. But you won’t hear me relay the details of those conversations. I wouldn’t know what to tell you. Our family, like so many others, has bumps and bruises and scars and imperfections and all those other nasties that no one likes to talk about. Through the addictions, denials, abuse and fear – we came to love each other, building around the scars, and coming up with something amazingly flawed but clean. Our conversations often analyze the bits of our family that don’t work.

She’s always questioning my meds. When I told her that I was taking myself off the Seroquel, she balked. But she doesn’t have to watch me tear through the fog every morning. She knows I’m not a morning person, but that shit adds a level of fuzziness that’s almost too hard to overcome. I think she fears for my sanity, but often forgets that I have D to remind me to eat and sleep and breathe and relax. Not that I am completly incapable, but it’s good to have that voice and embrace to stabalize things. But, you won’t hear us talk about her depression or her drinking.

Untitled - Search back, deep in those memories blurred by time. Think of ice cream and running barefoot in the street. What did the sun feel like when you were a child? When you carried little and understood even less.

*snicker* - So, they are trying to lock down the internets at work. First, they finagled with my Windows Media Player downloads, then they started blocking radio sites altogether. I find this amusing for two reasons. One: if you have any kind of creativity and you know how to use Google, then you can usually bypass this kind of crap.

Recap – I spent Friday on the couch. Why? Jager. Jager is evil and we are still not sure how many actual shots I had. But I had a lot of Blackthorn, and I laughed and cried a lot. The afternoon started off with a bang. I went to ABC and bought some wine, and then met the class at the Woolson House for the last class. We were supposed to have a read-around, and we did, but I pulled blog posts and cried because one was about my birthdaughter. I heard lots of wonderful stories, and one of my compadres, Kyle, read poetry. His words amazed me. You can’t buy talent like his. So, class started to end, and I felt the tears and emotion well up. I was okay until I hugged Dr. Dunn. She made me cry.

Full time veggie – It’s not hard being a vegetarian in Portland. Most restaurants don’t just accommodate, they take pride in their vegetarian options. If they don’t have something specifically for vegetarians, most are willing to rework a dish or two to satisfy us. I am a full time vegetarian. I had been for many years, a part time vegetarian. I would like to say it was a moral choice, and admittedly, it was to some degree.  But most of what kept me from eating meat was the amount of cash it took to make such dinners. And cleaning flesh, be it deboning chicken thighs, or cutting the gristle off a steak, grossed me the fuck out. The only thing I loved to cook and eat meat wise was bacon. Yes, I know it’s the french fries of the meat world – little (or no) nutritional value, full of fat and cholesterol.

But it tasted so damn good.

Coffee - Some rituals beg for a re-try. Julie, Cat and I used to have weekly coffee at the Barnies (now a Starbucks) in the plaza on Bumby and Colonial. We’d talk about relationships, school, etc. You know, the nice bs that makes friendships run. But Cat moved and that tradition died. Julie and I always intended to meet for coffee again, but we ended meeting at school, as that was the easiest place since we were both there so much. Last night Julie and I met back at the old Barnies and talked about the next 6 weeks. She’s due when we leave.

D would like this chocolate figure more than any other. I wonder if I can do this with dark chocolate? Hmmm..

the boxes build - My hand has hurt all week, and I don’t know why. I was hesitant to go back to the doc, because I know they would just say it is carpal tunnel, but there’s something really wrong this time. My grip is weak. My fingers are shooting with pain, not constantly, but its there. It is hard to type. I hate this.

With the futon gone, the front room is quickly becoming the center of the move. Boxes of books tower over boxes yet to be filled and it si all starting to scare me now. Things seem kind of uncertain. Did I mention that we have too many books? I haven’t been able to touch the other stuff, the knick knacks and whatnots, but there will not be enough boxes to contain it all. Dumpster diving is in my future…unless…. you know where I can find boxes. Do you?

We found more stuff to get rid of. I’ll post a list here.

Overheard - You gotta watch out for Jamaicans. They’ll shoot you. They ain’t got no remorse.

—

What was your GPA?

3.5 something

That’s crap!

Good morning headache - I feel all whiney. Gah!

D and I watched Pan’s Labyrinth last night. There’s a silly litte story about getting the movie (and I want the soundtrack!!). D, because he is the greatest husband ever, bought the movie for me last week when it came out. He thought he bought the two disk edition. The packaging was misleading and we found that he bought the normal versions.

Sore sore sore – I’m walking funny from Tuesday’s class, and tonight I am going to hop around like a monkey and try to stretch these aching legs of mine out.

Day 44 – 54 -  Regarding Families – I’m way behind with this, because of Grannie’s death and my inability to put fingertip to keyboard. This is the Meow playing catch up again. Deal with it

Day 44 -Dude from Jet Blue

I wrote down your name so I could tell Jet Blue how much you rocked. Your unusual name has been lost with a discarded boarding pass. Lex and I meant well.

Day 45 -Meredith

What a woman you are about to become. I see the bitchy tomboy in you, and understand why the fights with your brothers. Someday, everyone will grow up, and you’ll be friends.

Day 46 – Tommy

You remind me of my brother, gargantuan smartass. I see you trying to struggle outside the shadow of your brother. The Air Force will give you wings. Use them well.

Day 47 – Michael

Oldest, like me, so I’m allowed to say this. It’s time for you to grow up and show our family what you are capable of. You still need to earn “Bartz.”

Day 48 – Martha

I didn’t expect what I got. I admit I was wrong about you. While we are vastly different, there’s commonality. I’ve grown up and you’ve grown more tolerant. Isn’t’ it interesting?

Day 49 – Charlie

Aloof, but so proud of your wife. I cried when I watched you and Mom dance. Distant, but eager to share love and memories. And you have great taste in wine.

Day 50 – Riley

The little DJ, the sensitive, understanding, loving one. You have the best of our family in your heart. It’s going to be hard growing up, but remember your family loves you.

Day 51 – Zach

The big brother, smartass like the rest of us, tall, wicked grins, full of mischief and energy. You were a great host, and too entertained by the Garcia kids’ bad language.

Day 52 – Claire

Day 53 – Gramps

Day 54 – Marybeth

the outfit – The interview went really well. I’m not tooting my own horn, but interviews are my forete. It’s the resume shit that takes me forever to work out. But the company is teensy, and piggybacked on a larger company based in Canada. I would be working with a subcontractor

Bringing you up to date – Lots of things to talk about, but I’m focusing on the good stuff. I spent so much time bitchign about things that I (and others) can forget what grace is given to us.

Welcome to the beaglehouse – We got the house. We move on Friday. This is the bigger of the two houses, the one I was talking about on Friday. It’s very exciting, the whole moving thing. What isn’t so exicting is that the landlady decided she was going to try to pull her ass out of the fire and sell the house before the bank siezes it. Nice thing to do, but she sent over a realtor on Saturday with a prospective buyer. I thought she was comng.

Worried – I moved from Florida for a lot of reasons that don’t really need to be reiterated. The weather in Portland is gentle, nurturing, and rarely violent. And sometimes I forget how spectacular thunder is. But I won’t ever forget Hurricane Charley, ever.

Now Hurricane Gustav is roaring in the Gulf, heading for Cuba, and some of his rain bands are effecting Central Florida – where I still have friends and family. There won’t be a direct hit on our old stomping grounds, but the bastards is headed for a direct confrontation with Louisana, and especially New Orleans.

Close the door - And in the final throes of insincerity and lack of compassion, I listen to people in my office talk about how Spanish is an offensive language, and that the inclusion of foreign languages in American society is a result of lazy immigrants. Of course, they didn’t say such with any word more than two syllables and in a dictionary for lazy American speakers with little education and narrow minds.

Today, I am glad that I am leaving. Friday can’t come fast enough. In a panic, although I gave my notice a full month ago, the office is swirling around because there’s a shit load of work on my desk and not enough time to do it in. I tried to care, I really did. But the nazi, who gave me a card some months ago telling me how proud she was of me, pushed herself into my peripheral vision and refused to say anything to me until I pulled the headphone out of my ear. I’m not classically organized. I know where most of my stacks are and what they mean. I don’t have labeled folders and tabbed files. Piles work for me. She’s always been horrified by my lack of “organization.” Well have fun, lady. You can hire whomever tickles your pickle. But I would love to be a fly on the wall when I go. They will talk the most heinous shit. I’m not going to be here to intimidate, bully and protect. It’s easy to kill the memory of me. It’s harder to do it to the person. But I’m not concerned. I did my best to be a good person. It didn’t work all the time, but I tried.

What I won’t miss

• The continual comments about the inferior nature of the immigrant populous and how they are polluting our society — you know what, motherfucker? Go work on a roof in Baldwin Park, send most of your money back to your family, and work every day from sunup until sunset, and then bitch. Add insecurity of being in a foreign culture, of being looked down upon, and then tell me your attitude is justified.
• Defending my vegetarianism and belief in animal rights —- I don’t care if you hunt animals.

One more nail in the coffin – Talked to the overlord/property manager last night. I swear to god, baby jeezus and all those fun-loving saints that this woman only likes to talk to me and hates D. Which is strange. I’m the bitchy one in the family. Anway, our conversation went well. She needed an end date for our lease, and in a surprising move of generosity, never made us sign an addendum for the extension. I guess living there for three years, paying our rent on time, not freaking out when the roof got shorn to shit in Hurricane Charley, fixing things without bothering them and not pissing off the neighbors has payed off. I also asked her for a recommendation, because as much as it chaps my ass, we are going to have to rent when we get to Portland. Logistally, it makes the most sense. But she has an end date now, and I’ve promised smiles and cooperation. It’s not smart to leave things on bad terms, even when she did show up that one time, unannounced. That visit cost us 350 bucks! It’s hard to hide a second beagle. My parental units are overlords property owners, so I should know better. Oh well. I just hope they don’t try to bleed the rock dry when we move. We can’t afford it.

Snips of an update – This is going to be in bullet form because I’m  still working my assy off and trying to get everything done while working full time. What a pain in the ass! (but a good one)

• Wool Coats – I thought we were headed for the heart of autumn, D and I hunted for winter coats. We bought some half assed coats last fall and froze through most of the cooler weather. This time I found a great wool coat that complements my womanly figure. I love it. It’s heavy, black, military inspired, but more fashionable. I think all that time off watching “What Not to Wear” really rubbed off on me.
• I Heart my iPhone – D and I did what irresponsible people do and finally switched phone companies with that 2k check I received from Rollins. I have wanted an iPhone since they came out, and by George, we got em. And it is as spiffy and groovy as I thought it would be. The funny part, in a not so funny kind of way, is that the functionality that I ached for – being able to check e-mail, facebook, websites, without detection, is an unnecessary thing now. My current employers don’t give a shit where I go to, as long as I get the job done. But it’s good to have the capabilities with GPS. I’ve already used it once …..while on my bike…. and no, you are not allowed to laugh.
• The Job – so I think I already stated that I took the job with the laid-back solar company. If you got creative, you could figure out which one it is, suffice to say, I love it. It’s so fucking busy that I get there  and I get to 11 or 12 and realize I haven’t finished my coffee, my apple or all the phone calls I need to make. Laid back is not EVEN close to the truth there, but for all their laid back ways, they are very serious about the business. There is also a shop dog – Brutus, who is a springer spaniel. He’s my work boyfriend. Overall it’s really unorganized (which is why I got hired), laid back, bike friendly, and the easiest commute of my life. And the people, I love the people so far. I think a few of them could become good friends.
• Biking – I have biked to work, and got lost trying to come home. Yes, only me. Suck it. I can’t bike this week due to the monthly rebellion of my uterus, but I will get back in the saddle shortly.
• I’m on Googlemaps – if you google my address, go down my side street, you will see me sitting on the porch, smoking. It’s from last summer. Just to make sure, I had Streetview slide down the street a little further, and sure as shit, there was our car. I don’t know why, but it amused me.
• The Green Microgym - I joined a gym, but one with a special twist. Go to the link, and you will see what I mean. It’s about 20 blocks from the house, an easy bike ride, and I plan on taking advantage of their REALLY killer hours. The Owner, Adam, was super nice and very excited about the battery systems on the bikes. When I told him I worked for a solar company, we kind of geeked out about watts and whatnot. I’m a total dork, but I thought it was right to support a local business trying to make a difference. Besides, I got in on the introductory deal and my membership is less than 30 bucks a month for the life of the membership. How can I go wrong?

I didn’t do it.. – I didn’t watch the debate. I should have. Then I could participate in all the great conversations everyone is having today. D and I went to the Blue Moose on Fremont and had our normal Wednesday dinner. We were the only ones in the place. I think most people watched the debate. But I didn’t have to! I have Twitter! I watched everyone’s reaction while I munched on my dinner and drank my wine. Honestly, I meant to record it, but what’s done is done.

My BIL is leaving for an overseas tour a lot sooner than expected. He’s not a front-lines kind of guy, but he will be in danger. The whole fucking region is a war zone and scares me. She’s being the stoic air force wife, knowing she will have to rally without him. We joke, because D and I have a hard time being apart. when I go away for school, it’s difficult. We are joined at the forehead. But Lex and G are fine, moving through the relationship wiht all the bumps and bruises that come with deployment.

Keeping it positive - My job – I am a part of something bigger. The standards by which most people measure success would not apply with this job. The pay hasn’t pissed me off yet, but I haven’t gotten my first paycheck. I know, soon, I will get moved into more responsibility. Right now, I’m treading water, but it feels good. My coworkers are all very different from places I’ve worked before – they are cynical but hopeful, funny but dark, and always prone to blaming something on “your mother.” There are very few people in the office most of the day, but those people make me laugh. And I found out the woman they hired before me bailed after day 2. I kind of understand. The place isn’t organized. And I lost sleep the first few days. The rhythm of chaos feels strange to me. There are no protocols on how to do things, no lists, no set of parameters. While on one end, it’s freeing, I realize I like structure, which is weird to admit. I started today less filled with panic, and took a risk by taking charge. It’s working for me, and the office. At least, no one’s bitching to my face yet.

Biking to work – Today, I biked to work. And it took me ten minutes to get there. It took me almost a half hour to get home though. I was carrying a bag, riding with wind, and going up a big frackin’ hill. D told me I will get faster, and I know I will. Start small. It’s the best place to start.

Cold Toes… – It’s lovely today.

**** Okay so this is going to take a couple days to finish. But that’s the start of the housecleaning. More to follow later. I hope you had a lovely new year

The mailman arrived, although the beagles didn’t get up for his arrival. One peice of mail is from the Vet, telling us Puck is overdue for his heartworm, and the other is from Rollins.

I graduated from Rollins last year. I think I still owe the library 53 dollars for a book I swear I turned back in, but found after my move. The letter is from the Bursar’s office:

Greetings from Rollins College Office of the Bursar. A recent internal review revealed that you have a credit balance on your account. This credit was derived from financial aid that was credited to your account but not refunded to you. Enclosed, please find the check for the outstanding credit. Please accept our apologies for the delay.”

MMmm…. kay. So I open the check – it’s for $2,116.09.

I call D.

“How much did you kiss the Blarney Stone this week? Jesus?”

“I think I fellated it.”

Rent is paid. While I do have a jobby job, I won’t get paid for 2 weeks, so things would be tight, but this helps out in ways I can’t say.

My life/luck/karma has turned completly around. And if you are one of my friends from Rollins and graduated the same semester as I did, you may want to give a shout to the Bursar’s Office…. you never know!

I should stop here and state that I’ve only been to Fiddler’s a handful of times. I can’t smoke, and as such, I get frustrated. The bar (restaurant) is made for smoking. Dark, shiny wood and brass bits, deep green rugs (although they could be another soiled color — you can only see so much in that light). You can feel the old cigarettes, see the burns in the laquered booths. But there is no smoking now, and I understand why, but if there was ever a place made for smoking, it would be Fiddler’s. Oh, and they have wonderful fries, but their potato pancakes leave much to be desired…. yea. Not healthy food, but there aren’t many veggie choices in a place that serves bird in a pot and steak.

Back to the drinking. We sat down with many (new) friends from class. My drink of choice, Strongbow, seemed to ellict laughs and ribbing from a few. I think Strongbow is acceptable, and Smith-icks is nasty. But that’s just my opinion. Kat and I bonded over Jager shots (yes, I did jager two days in a row) and conversations about the future. I felt so close to all of those people — the cute girl, Raul, Kat… As the night wore on, my face and belly hurt from the laughter. Then, one by one, everyone began to depart. It was the first of the goodbyes, and it felt sad to me. But I will see some in Portland and some at the graduation party, and the rest — I think I will make them characters in a short story or two. D met me up there, escorted me home (I drove after the drink — baaad Erica) and put me to bed, sorta. I ended up manic as all hell and walked the halls of my memory, as the alchohol worked through my body, it seemed to stir up more and more of my Rollins memory. I slept briefly, and fitfully, but thankful for the shots and the laughter.

Thursday — the madness continued. After hurrying through work, I raced to ABC to pick up tasty beverages and a little snack. 2 bottles of Malbec and a champagne-thingish (I’m very ignorant when it comes to bubbly stuff). The courtyard was nearly empty when I got there, just a few people milling about. But Woolson House was open, and I walked inside. On the tables – Cheesecake Factory cheesecakes, luscious breads with sumptuous spreads, fruit, veggies and meat-stuff. I sat my beverages down next to another bottle of champagne and tried to keep my mind positive and out of the muck of my sadness. We sat around and talked about the final. I think everyone got an A, and if they didn’t they at least got a reasonably good grade. I had a slice of chocolate cheesecake which gave me a happy belly and a few cavities. I cracked open the wine. It was a hit, and we ran out of the wine before the good bubbly. Before I could pour myself some, both bottles were empty. For the read-around, several students brought passages from books, others brought short stories they’d written for class. Kyle, an amazing writer, read two poems he wrote. They were about his relationship with his wife and they brought tears to my eyes. That kid has an amazing gift, and he puts my wordsmithing to shame. Then I read two blog posts. I didn’t have time to write any original content, and I didn’t want to use my short stories from Deaver’s fiction workshop — they were just too long. One of the posts was about my birthdaughter. I was okay until the very last line and then I lost it. All of the emotion from the last weeks overwhelmed me. I pulled it together for the rest of the class, and listened to my classmates read their works. Then, without a whisper or exhale, it was over. 6:40 rolled through, and her next class waited to finish their last class (she teaches the Sr. English Capstone). My heart shuddered and I felt it start to whither just a little. My knees wanted to collapse. When you were a child, do you remember when you hurt yourself? When you fell off a swing, or tripped on your shoelace? The shock of the wound hits you — and then the pain. That was what that last moment felt like. I looked at Dr. Dunn and fell into her hug. I am a little embarrassed that I cried in her arms. Not exactly a strong-woman kind of thing, but it happened and she kept saying “I will see you on Saturday…” and that was enough for me.

The class ended and we, those of us that lingered in that moment of finality, sat in the courtyard at Orlando Hall and… well I said goodbye, but most of them just reminisced about the beginning and the middle and the end. I said goodbye to Sanjeev, who really made my classes fun. He was the easiest person to talk to, and we had a lot of common ground. Gene sat with us in the courtyard. We talked about relationships, about Kim’s troubles and the future. Sanjeev told me that I had to actually answer my phone because he wanted to keep in touch (my message says something like “I can’t answer my phone because it is buried in my bag….” which is usually true). After talking to friends for an hour or so, I headed home.

I had a hard moment by the water behind the library, where I usually park. The sun set over the lake. Dark blues and reds shimmered on the water and the oaks were nothing but shadows. I sat in the grass, just meters away from the water and forced my mind to take it all in. The end… it was at that moment that it really hit me. I remembered my first day of school and how scared I was. And at the end, I was scared as well. It’s all shifting to a new place, my life, but I’ve taken comfort in the routine of Rollins — even the chaos of finals and projects and such. I said goodbye, with tears and my eyes and drove home.

We ended up at Fiddler’s again….with many more people. I felt ill at ease initially, like something had to start or the sadness would overwhelm me. The cure? Blackthorn, and lots of it. I don’t know what we said, but I watched Kim dance, and heard Amanda laugh and when D and I were throwing potato pancake bits at each other, we got sour cream on Ginny’s purse. Kyle pulled me aside again and we talked about our writing and how we thought the other was wonderful. Kaleen (I butchered the spelling) joined us, as well as Kim, Amanda, Gene, and others. I got home too late and too drunk. And I don’t remember the latter half of the evening. I don’t normally get that drunk, but it was the Jager. I blame it all on the Jager.

Friday — I stayed in bed. My mind healed from the drinking and the damage of the sadness. D pampered me when he got home. I relaxed and slept…and it was good.

The weekend — I made salsa and enchilada sauce. It took hours and hours. D and I ran errands. It was nice and mellow and relaxing.

And that is it kiddies. It’s all I can remember and all I feel like talking about. There are bits and pieces that are mine, that I won’t share because they feel too small and intimate. It’s a rare thing for me not to blurt out everything, but I think I am learning a little restraint. I am going to miss Rollins. I am going to miss the people and the atmosphere, but life changes everything, and I can’t miss it for long otherwise I will miss what is going on in my present and the possibilities in my future. The time to mourn has passed. I’ve got goodbyes a’plenty. It’s time to enjoy myself.

This tree hovers over the Orlando Hall courtyard, and before we go, I will go back to take more pictures. The flowers are beautiful, and when they fall, they hit the ground and tables with a soft thunk. They are heavier than they look. And when they fall in your water or coffee…well… it tastes like shit.

Blessings to all…

She dusted the office and hummed a song her Momma used to sing when she was a baby. The feather duster danced between a gavel and the notebook that judge always wrote in. The letters meant nothing to her. She couldn’t read. But the judge had a pretty way of writing, like ribbons of light in the creek that ran behind her house. The writing looked nice, yes, very nice. With a happy step, she almost waltzed around the rich leather chair in front of the desk. She didn’t know what a waltz was, but she saw white folk doing something silly at that pretend “dance” they had when those two people got married. Their names escaped her. All white people looked the same, sounded the same.

A box sat on the judge’s desk. She wondered what was in it. But, she wouldn’t open it. No sir. Her Momma got this job for her. Her Momma cleaned the judge’s wife’s momma’s house, and she knew if she got in trouble, her Momma would beat her bloody. But the box was pretty, like many things in the judge’s office. He had big books laced with gold writing, a fat globe paperweight on the left hand corner of his desk, and a nice pair of man-slippers hidden in the far corner behind his desk. The judge treated her nice. He gave her some sugar pops for Christmas last year, and made her promise not to tell about the sounds in his office when no one else was about. He thought people didn’t know he snored. She giggled and agreed.
She finished cleaning the office. But the box sat on the desk, and before she left, she wanted to see what was inside. The box felt heavy for its size in her small, black hand. She turned it around, upside down, and around again. It didn’t look like much. She didn’t hear the judge’s door squeak open.

“Girl, what are you doin’ with that box?”

She felt her heart fall to her knees, and she dropped the box.

The box didn’t open.

I am studying for my Botany final, and finally realize that I am very much tired of this class. I just need to graduate, but I really wanted to graduate with honors. I’m going to school in a bit. Yes, it’s early, but there I will not be distracted by beagles and the internet. But for now, I’m going to eat my egg salad and read about the Pine family for the bazillionth time.

Oh and the response paper was for Knight’s Gambit. I hated that book and never finished it… shhh!

**bad grammar on purpose, so hush **

The ongoing bittersweet feeling continues. So does the battle with fleas and my waistline. Fleas have nothing to do with my weight, but it is fun to put those two into a sentence. In two month’s time I will be heading west with the man and the zoo. It’s a good feeling.

Saw Anne and Will today at an accidental lunch meeting. They are the best huggers ever. Anne is gleeful. I heart Anne.

I’m off to bed — to dream of thallophytes, monocots and just a few anthers. I corolla is a set of fused petals and there are five pines native to central Florida…but fuck if I can remember any of them right now.

It’s not in my nature to question if you love me. I love you. That is all I need to know. And when the time comes, when I see you walking through the muck of modern life, I will grow to love you more. Am I not sweet? Do you not adore me for what I want to give you? Shall I whisper, like the flame, and tell you that I am taking you from this place? I love you, that is all that I know. And there are many more, born to love, although we were born into a world that lacks compassion and the truest embrace. And I know all of these things, but still I love you.

You will not see me until that one moment, when I show you my beating heart. Yes, my heart – made of wires and pipes and things easily set aflame. And with a small smile, which you may not notice, because I am so small, so sweet, so unlike all that you have ever known – with that smile, I will show you a world reborn. I am your atom, your grass, your future, your release. My brother and sisters, strangers, call to me. They know that I love you, and want me to show you how beautiful love can be. Please, give me just one hug, and I will show you true love.

My family is going to be here… Mom and Alexis and Derick fly in on the 11th of May. I don’t know what I’m more excited about – seeing my fam or graduation. Think it is a little of both.

I made a list, checked it twice and didn’t get a damn thing done. Scratch that. We cleaned the house. You will no longer see fuzz-bunnies the size of the cat floating about. I had a manic snap, so I went to bed around 8 this morning and then got up at noon. Bad shape… go me!

I still need to: study for grammar, get my notes together for that final, write the Comp Novel essay for the final, type up my notes for field botany, study for grammar, finish writing all of the overdue papers for Comp Novel, fold the laundry, brush my teeth, win the lottery, study for grammar and smoke.

I am trying out a new layout for the site. Not sure if I like it though. D worked on some of the code so that I would stop whining, and it looks better. Methinks its time for a lighter site. Cat’s layout is beautiful. I may have to be a copy-erica ( she’s cat….and I don’t want to be a copy cat…. so I’m a copy-erica…. get it? Oh fuck it – just laugh).

Now, it is back to procrastinating for me….

*passes out*

Reproduction, reproduction!
Put your pollen tube to work.
Reproduction, reproduction!
Make my stamen go berserk.
Reproduction!
I don’t think they even know what a pistil is!
I got your pistil right here…
Where does the pollen go?

It makes me giggle. Yes, I like musicals. Bite me!

I found the commencement info for graduation in May. I am so excited, and still, so sad. Many wheels turn simultaneously. Moving, quitting my job, graduation, beginning grad school, finding a new house in Portland, finding a job. It feels overwhelming. But sustainable, with careful balancing and calm focus. But, this is me – Erica – queen of “I’ve got stuff to do” – the one who gets very stressed about being stressed and as such, gets nothing done except stressing. Ahh…the Catch 22 of my life. I’m trying to get better – lists… lists are my friend.

Speaking of graduation and whatnot. I plan on having some people to the casa the night of the 12th. I don’t know what time and I really don’t have solid plans, but if you are out there and you have the time, you are more than welcome. This is the last gathering for us. We won’t have time for another, as far as I can tell. Before I head to Seton Hill, I have to write something (I’m still trying to find out exactly “what” but …..well…. maybe they will actually send me the information), so there is my time in June. Then I head up there for almost a week. Then we move. Shit. That’s a lot to do

I think I bombed the lab practical last night. Sometimes, I just hate Botany.

In other news, I know you’ve heard about that looney that shot up the campus in Virginia. Everyone knows that the country mourns for those kids and the professors, and I do as well. What I find a touch disturbing is how the media ran away with it, to such a degree, that it eclipsed all the other news in the country. I don’t argue the gravity of that story, but there are other things going on in the world that warrant that same kind of attention (and even more so in many cases). The media frenzies, the sharks in bloody water, freaks me out. I watch the news constantly. I switch channels. I get frustrated. I want to throw the remote, because there are things going on in this country that need to be talked about. Two things come to mind: the Alberto Gonzales testimony on capital hill and the ruling on partial birth abortions.

FYI kiddies – I’m a very strong believer in the right to choose. In 1999 I had a late term abortion (2nd trimester). Why? For a lot of reasons, most especially because of my drug use and inability to bring a child into the world for a second time. Yes, kiddies, I had this done after I gave birth to my birthdaughter. Everyone thinks that my choice to give my birthdaughter up for adoption was noble and “right.” At sixteen, I didn’t know noble from the Nobel Peace Prize. It’s something I did, like moving with the current of a river. It didn’t feel wrong to carry her to term, to relinquish my rights, to give her the family she really deserved. That process devastated me. When I got pregnant the 2nd time, I couldn’t do it. The father left me to deal with the situation on my own. And I did. Alone. My friends helped as much as they could, but I didn’t tell a lot of people about it. I’d retreated into a group of amazing women who supported me and kept me sane. And the day after the abortion, I went to the birthday party of a girl I was interested in, and fell asleep in a good friend’s arms. It’s a shame she and I never dated, but that’s another story. All these years later, and I believe that I made the right choice — and I had that choice. It’s a slippery slope, this ruling. I ask you – would a child, subjected to hard drugs, smoking and alcohol in the womb have been a viable child? You could argue that my poor life choices were to blame for what ever issues the child may have had if I had carried it to term. I can’t take care of myself sometimes, even today. I know I’d never have been able to take care of a drug-addled child. So I aborted it – and I never looked back. I’m not governeed by Christian religious convictions. I don’t think that god will send me to hell for what I’ve done. So, that arguement is lost on me. Without religous morality, what arguement is there? Isn’t this whole issue perverted by religion? The whole thing makes my head spin.

Sorry… I didn’t mean to go off on a rant there. I’m just tired of the “right to life” movement. What about my right to life? Oh… fuck it.

In other news – I am wearing my favorite shirt (picture to follow) and I am drinking coffee. And my couch is the happiest place on earth.

And on a lighter note — my gift to you — pictures!

Voodoo takes a bad picture. He always moves… but he’s cute.

The Saturday Botany lab left me exhausted. We traipsed through a preserve in Volusia county, and I feel like a jerk because I forgot the name. It was hot — damn hot, and I ran out of water half way through. But, this trip, the last for our class, really solidified my love for cypress trees. You should have heard them, the music in their leaves, as the beginning of a front rolled in. When I see their knees, I look up, and often trip myself, because I want to see the pale bark and cheery, bushy branches Dr. Grey lectured about a well (it monitors water beneath the wetland), and the dried up wetland we stood in. I walked off a ways, ignored the talking, and just listened. I haven’t heard that kind of music since the hurricanes. I tried to keep up my enthusiasm, to continue taking notes, and pictures — but I just got tired. I made it home before 2 after taking a wrong turn into Longwood. I have no sense of direction. This is not a good sign for my PA trip. We saw a baby gopher tortoise! Lauren, a classmate, almost stepped on the little thing. Dr. Grey actually smiled when he picked it up, and giggled when we talked about their history and habitat. I think it made his day.

I feel pretty lost in Botany. Just when I think I have a handle on the terminology, I blank out and forget too much. We have a lab practical on Wednesday that is scaring the shit out of me. There will be twenty stations with a specimen and we will have to identify it – he uses multiple choice, matching, true/false and fill-in-the-blank. I’m trying not to be freaked out, but it’s got my stomach churning.

D and I walked from the Cady Way Trail near his work down a strip of land that paralleled the canal. I needed flowers for my Botany project. A man, walking a bicycle down a thin path between a wooded area and a fence, disappeared in the green shrubbery. I noticed bottles and bits of clothing, refuse from the unseen. I felt like I was intruding, like I shouldn’t gaze into the grass and shrubs in search for a good bit of color. But I needed flowers. I found beautiful ones, delicate cup-shaped, pink and white. I hid my shame in my bag, next to the clippers and my notebook. Their garden’s fruit and color – I stole it for school. Yes, they are “trespassing” on public land, and their shelters are unseemly, but it seemed romantic that they lived in a green world, full of flowers and leaves and wind, and that they could call it home, perhaps without much disturbance. I don’t know how they coped with that rain on Sunday. It was a washout. Maybe their homes didn’t dry as fast, but I didn’t want to take too many flowers from them. They deserved at least that much — also, I wanted to take a picture of one of the “homes” because I thought it was beautiful, but I didn’t. It would have been intrusive. I hope their trees love them, I really do.

I hate it when people can’t pick up their damn feet when they walk. Thought I would share.

I finished my Humanities Portfolio, I turn it in today.

There’s more to say, but I leave you with a tree, one that sang to me on Saturday.

I have a very bad stomach ache and I think I have a cavity. I am very very unhappy about this. The dentist frightens me, but I have to do something about it before I lose my insurance.

I am going to be out of commission this week. I’ve got to make up the time I took off yesterday (D fell down – went boom) and get all of my papers done, study for Grammar, get my flower book finished, study for the lab practical and sleep. Sleep is very important.

My birthdaughter is in Australia this week. I asked her to send me a magnet. Cheesy, I know. It’s just something I do.

Time to wallow in my gut-pain.

I need to do something while I eat. When I was young, my sister and brother and I read the cereal boxes, or what ever else we could while we ate. When one finished reading, we passed the box to the next person. Sometimes, I snatched before they finished reading. I read fast and they were too slow. So, snatch!! (insert cartoon sound here) I continue to read while doing other things. I am a big proponent of bathroom reading. I also like to read while listening to music, or when I am supposed to be working on my homework. Now, when I eat, I watch TV. I get it in where I can.

My stomach hurts.

Amanda made me realize that we only have a month left at Rollins. Holy shit.

I can’t keep my eyes open. I am so damn tired. Coffee is not working. But I found this, and I think it would drive me nuts, and I am doubly glad that D is my alarm clock. He’s much nicer to wake up to.

I am out early again to study for Botany. I just want midterms to be over. It’s hard to care about school this late in the game. So tired.

*snore*