Right now, I would like to kick life in its everloving ass and tell it to be a little more fair. David will not be flying out to my graduation. We’ve both been unemployed since January and our finances just can’t take it. I pouted, felt sorry for myself, worried that I would be embarrassed at graduation because none of my family would be there to holler for me. And I will admit that I cried a bit.

Then we got the call today that his father is dying. He has had several bouts with melanoma, but the cancer spread to his brain. He was given 2-4 months to live. Suddenly my selfishness for whining about David come to my graduation are eclipsed by the fact that I think he needs to say goodbye to his father. He’s ambivelent. He wants to go out to support his brothers (he has 5) and his half sisters (he has 4), but we are not financially in a place where that can be done. Now, David had a great interview today and we are both very hopeful, but there’s no guarantee that he can fly out there. It’s no question that he should go out, it’s just whether the economy will allow us the cash to get there. I will bleed the rock dry to try to get him out there. We are also dealing with all these extra expenses for my graduation. Yes the car and plane flight are paid for, but I do need to eat, and the fucking gown is 75 dollars. I’m tempted not to walk at all to save that money. It’s just the suck right now.

I, as David’s wife, think he should fly out to say goodbye. He’s not close to his father. They have had a distant relationship their entire life due to a separation before David was born. But his father has tried in recent years. We are very different when it comes to loss and mourning, but I do think David would feel better about things if he could just spend some time with his family at this point. Now, I’m hoping the next few weeks will include some rockin’ good luck and love from the Fates. Perhaps all this worrying will be for naught and we can scrounge up the cash to get him to see his Dad.

That’s not to say that it’s all terrible. It isn’t. David and I are working very well together to keep each other out of the pits of despair. We make little plans to keep from going insane. And honestly we’ve grown closer these 6 months without work. I guess that is what happens when adversity hits your family – you sink or swim. My sister has been invaluable through the whole process – both as a shoulder on which to lean in my weak moments and the one who saved our asses to pay rent this month. If I have to pay her back 5 bucks at a time, I will. You can’t take that kind of kindness for granted.

So, all in all this is really a post about the bad and good in things. I’ve had a few dark days recently. But I realized that getting up every morning, I have a choice – I can mourn the loss of my former life with a steady income or I can celebrate the time I’ve had to grow closer to my husband and write. My only wish right now is that I can find the money to get David out to see his Dad before he passes. Honestly, everything else is a luxury.

We grilled in the back yard – asparagus by the pound and veggie sausages. She made chicken for everyone in my stove. We danced around the kitchen, nearly bumping elbows, laughing more than one should. I actually have a grown-up table and a kids table now. Who knew I would flex the edges of my life to include children? Granted, they are not my own, but I’ve made space for them and their noise. I’m proud of that.

And when they left, I felt the silence of this big house for the first time. It fit like a sweater four sizes too big. I’ve made my life in the quiet of our house. We laugh loudly, we watch movies at decibels that would make one’s ears bleed, and if you’ve ever heard a beagle bay, you know that it’s not all quiet. I missed my family when they left. I missed my BIL and the bright way he smiles when my niece gives him a hug. I miss my younger nephews incessant questions and constant ramblings (he is much like my sister at that age, never quiet, talking even when no one listens). I miss my older nephews uncomfortable stance in the world, at fourteen, on the edge of childhood and adulthood, with a timid foot in both. I miss my niece, who has discovered presumptuous questions but still loves to play on her own. And I miss my sister, who beyond all other in my life (except my husband) understands that family is what you make of it. The differences exist, but our love for each other has gone beyond the normal sisterly bond. We are the best of friends.

In the coming months I shall swallow the sounds of my family. This is the last summer they will live close by for the military is moving them somewhere far away. Honestly, anything beyond the NW part of the country is far for us. The visits will become infrequent. I will end up remarking how the kids have grown in the spans of time between visits. I will feel my age as the loud, boisterous love of being young fades into the sullen contemplation of the teenage years. I will struggle a little with that last visit which will probably be on my 33rd birthday and I will have to grow used to a house whose silence fits uncomfortably around the memories I cherish.

My former stepmother took a few digs at my sister after finding her old blog. I have to say, it’s all kinds of bullshit. My sister said things there that were not flattering to the former stepmother, but honestly her behavior warranted it. And the last time I checked, if it’s your blog you can say what you want. One of her sons is in Afghanistan right now, and she sent him an e-mail (along with all her other kids and my sister) with a sarcastic apology for being a bad mother. Thing is, did I mention her son is overseas right now? You know, like fighting a war. People should really get over themselves.

So I plugged my iPhone into my computer to charge yesterday and got pissed last night when it wasn’t holding the charge. I get up this morning and realize the cable wasn’t connected to the computer.

I gotz smartz.

What I can tell you in positive land, is that Spring has arrive in Portland. I have a massive cherry tree in my backyard with beautiful pink blossoms. It really is a sight to behold. And I had to mow for the first time since we moved. We left our old gas-powered mower at the house on 33rd, but brought my push mower. We have a good sized yard so it took me an hour or so. It looks great, and I smelled like fresh cut grass and sweat. That’s what Spring is all about. I have yet to tackle the mass of blackberry brambles in the area near the potting shed. Seriously, how do I get rid of those things without killing everything else? I guess time will tell.

But I am plagued by dandelions. Bastards.

I did cut my hair off again. It’s a cute, kind of deconstructed cut that highlights my curls while taking the length off the back of my neck. She took almost 2 hours to cut it, paying attention to how the curls formed and where the bulk was. I love love love this cut. I like my hair long, but it almost felt too “mother earth” or old ladyish. This way I can be all spikey and sassy and fun. Yes, I just wrote a whole paragraph about my hair. There’s some girly left in me.

I went to Tacoma last week to help out my sister. Although she’s still in her 20′s, she developed a hernia. My mother also flew up from Colorado because the day before the surgery was her birthday and my nephew was home all week for Spring Break. There was also my niece at home who is 4, and too young for school just yet. The surgery went well. I have a lovely picture of my sister post-op, stoned out of her gourd. And all was well until a phonecall from my uncle.

Let me walk around the issue to remind people that when I don’t get sleep, I’m very reactionary and illogical. I also do not get along particularly well with this uncle. He’s only 10 years older than me so there is tension from his childhood where he blamed me for my mother leaving him. He’s also the one who has had the most problems in our family with substance abuse and mental illness. But I digress. He just says shit sometimes. So he called my sister’s phone, wanting to make sure she was okay but my BIL answered. My BIL and uncle have never met. The uncle goes on this diatribe about how my sister is his favorite and how he doesn’t particularly care for me because we are too similar or some such bullshit. My mother walked in the door about 10 minutes later from a day of shopping and I called her brother and asshole. Fight ensues. 10 minutes later I’m on I5 heading south, back to Portland and to home. I haven’t spoken to my mother since. What I do realize is that when I am denied sleep, either because the kids are up early, or my mother is walking around the house talking on the phone and letting the back door slam, or because I was getting up to make sure my sister was getting her meds or just freaking alive, things can go wrong. But after talking to David about the whole thing, I don’t regret ending the trip early.

I’m used to telling people that my mother and I are close. It falls off my tongue as easily as my name. And we are close, at a distance. Proximity is not good for the two of us. I don’t think she’s the least bit interested in what I do as a writer, which is fine, I guess. I try to keep up with her busy social and political life. I listen when she talks about the issues with town and her newest projects. But when I talk about my novel, or David’s art projects, her eyes kind of glaze over. For the first time in my life I came to understand how unimportant my writing is to her, and for some reason, that was a physical blow. It feels like she doesn’t really listen to me. So my leaving Tacoma was spurred by the argument, but it was easier to leave for other reasons. Beyond political leanings, we have little in common. And there are some deeper revelations I’ve come to, but this is a public blog and I think that’s enough. Suffice to say, I will graduate in June, and the people who understand what a struggle this has been for me will be proud. My mother will probably also be proud, but because I completed my Master’s, not because I completed my first novel.

On lighter notes, I love Avatar the Last Airbender. We rented the DVDs from Nextflix years ago but kept getting scratched disks. I eventually gave up. But iTunes had the entire first season available, so I downloaded it.

Then the tantrum ensued.

It looked awful. Every time the characters moved there seemed to be artifacting, turning solid lines into some fuzzy mess. I wanted to be okay with it. I do love the series, but not enough to watch it like that. After spending 2 days trying to find the e-mail to contact them, I finally dug up the information. Now, I know Apple wants people to figure out how to do things on their own, but jesushfuckingchrist, make it a little easier to contact customer service please. But once the issue was e-mailed, they refunded my money immediately. We are also using Netflix again, because renting movies from them is much cheaper, and I get to rent entire shows like Weeds and Mad Men. Plus it streams through the Xbox. We watched 88 Minutes last night, and the quality of the stream was great. The movie sucked though.

Our house on 33rd officially belongs to the bank now. We left our Weber grill in the garage and kept meaning to go back and get it. David noticed, while riding by on his bike, the locks had been changed on the garage. On top of that, there are notices on all the windows that the city will convict for trespassing. The house looks like shit, really. The broken tiles on the porch are stacked up (a tripping hazard) and the windows are all foggy and dusty. I almost feel bad for our former landlady – she’s taking a loss on the place, but she really did fuck us by not paying her mortgage. Moral of the story – I don’t feel THAT bad.

The progress on the novel is going well. I still feel like I have too many things to do and not enough time. That’s how life is though, isn’t it? Speaking of my novel…….

• finding that perfect gift that gave me the belly laughs. I can’t wait to give it to her
• realizing that David and I share a brain sometimes, echoing each other’s thoughts. It feels good to be understood.
• getting rid of all the highlighted words in my current section of the novel. The next section’s work begins now.
• turning off the internet so I can focus on my writing.
• walking the beagles and finding out that Pip doesn’t actually know how to stop when he’s going Mach 10.
• socks.
• having my cooking complimented. I put my heart and soul into my food, and it’s good to be appreciated.
• laughing.
• “elegant” hair.
• finding the space in which to forgive myself.
• having my brother in law return from overseas, unscathed.