Moody Meow

It’s no surprise that I think such morbid things. No, this is not a plea for help nor a declaration of my imminent departure, but I want to understand the source for such destructive thought.
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It’s more than just the job. I am relinquishing my auto-pilot ways and my need to work. The responsiblity remains and I admit that my stomach hurts at the thought of the financial burden I am laying upon David. But, I got sick. This place made me ill, so I had to let go. I have heard nothing from Rollins, not a good sign. And that started making me sick too. It’s all this craziness that happens all at once, it stirs up the silt and leaves me unable to navigate the dark waters of the month of March.
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So, I am going to see this movie tonight. I don’t know if I am prepared for the violence (I’m feeling kind of squishy today) but it should be interesting none the less.

Had a shite Humanities class on Monday. No love for the papers. I got a C- but the professor is allowing us to rewrite them for a new grade. Guess that is nice, but it was not a fun class.
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11:00 AM - Rollins Financial aid
I wore the suit, my hair done.
Drove the car…and
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It was an unexpected weekend. It was a good time. I found out things about my love, things that I never realized, and I am warm hearted. Friends joined me in the utter destruction of my diet, but it was worth it. This week has been a roller coaster, popping me up and yanking me down. I’m sore, but clearly blessed.
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I wish it would rain so the ferns could wake up. I absolutly love the ferns that grow on all the trees near our house. It’s like the trees are wearing a beautiful shawl, draped in a deeper shade of green.

It’s gray outside. The weather is slightly cool. It’s a good day to work in the yard, but at the moment, I don’t have a proper yard.
I headed home for lunch, got to the house, got off the scoot, and realized that my keys were still in my messenger bag, which was sitting on my desk. Thank god I had money to run to Publix, otherwise I would be starving to death….
okay…not to death, but I’d turn into a real bitch … okay…. more of a bitch than normal.
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We are —><--- that close to signing the lease on the Nebraska house. God damn fucking researching my fucking crap ass credit. Shit. It sucks. End of story.
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That’s what my brain feels like today. So much going on and it’s all so fast! We saw the Nebraska house, and I am offically in love. We would have the money if I hadn’t screwed up my tax return. Who knew that switching the last two numbers on my bank account would fuck things up so badly? So, we really don’t have the cash to do the deposit. Then, like a lightening bolt, I was struck with a great idea! Ask the bosses for an advance on my check!! They were totally cool with it, and handed me 1/2 my pay as an advance on the last pay period. That totally rocks! AND!!! Fucking get this, I have a phone interview with Rollins on Friday! It’s because the boss called and spoke with the head of Financial Aid. The tide is turning… i can feel it!

I have been exploring this idea of choice. It clanks around in my brain like a marble in an empty soda can. It’s such a simple word. Six letters, three vowels. It is defined as: the act of choosing, selecting. Simple concept, weighty results.
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Goofy couple with a beagle and a Valentine seeks funky older 2-3 bedroom house for semi-permanent union. Must be pet-friendly, with fenced yard and no carpet. Prefer fireplace, porch and central heat and air.
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We left Loki with his family on Friday night. It was not a good thing. There was a nice show put on for us, but as we left I realized that we had probably made a mistake. But, it was the right thing to do. That phrase is such bullshit. I still don’t think it was the right thing for Loki, or Bailey as they called him. Was there something specific that drove me to this feeling? No, I am going strictly on animal senses. His parents were dumb. “I thought when I fixed him, he would calm down!” This is a beagle, you frizzy haired bitch. We let her know that leather collars work wonders for beagle escape artists, but I doubt she will heed our advice. I left there disgusted, and lost myself in a Margarita and tears on my couch.
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Found Loki’s owner. We are dropping him off on the way to dinner. Makes me very very sad.

Frankie beat the evil forum nasties!! Those rotten bastards! I’ll show you!

I gave my notice today. My last day will be March 4th. Yay for me!! So, I quit the day before I head to Colorado. All is well in my world.

Loki and Puck are getting along wonderfully. Val’s hiding in the office. I found a house that looks PERFECT for us. (should hear back from the property manager on Tuesday) I have an interview on Tuesday morning. I think we are going to be okay!

I know there is something we were supposed to do tonight but I can’t remember what it was…. Damn. It’s all those drugs I did in the 90’s.

I don’t normally have problems on Friday the 13th, but I am today. I was messing with the configuration of the forum and pushed the wrong button, so - no forum. =(

What in the hell am I going to do all day?

Well, I think the little beagle is here to stay. We have named him: Loki. Appropriate, I think. Loki was the god of trickery, but also the god of change. Maybe his coming heralds a new chapter in our lives, maybe we just lucked out and now have a damn cute friend for Puck, who knows. I’m not going to question it. We are still on the watch for his parents, but I have a feeling that he is like Puck was - a wanderer lost. Loki lucked out though, he didn’t have to spend three weeks in a cage. So, the plan is to take him to the vet, have him checked out and start training immediatly. The beagle boys are “playing” a lot. I don’t think I have ever seen dogs play like that, all growls and teeth bared. But, their tails are wagging the whole time. (okay I am not completly convinced of this but David assures me that its natural). Valentine is still lurking about, slying slithering here and there. I feel bad for the little fluff ball. He has had to stay up high till Loki decides to chill the fuck out.
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I wrote it. And while the intention was to give it to them, my smile sweeping the sunshine from their lives, I realized that was childish. So, I threw it away. I am not going to tear myself down to a level where it is all about money. My life has never been defined in such limiting terms. So I am doing the right thing. I will give them a clear reason for my departure, 3 weeks notice, and wish them well. The bridge, while it may be satisfying to burn, will remain intact. That’s just the smart thing to do.
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He’s got hazle eyes, a tricolor, fixed and a really cute disposition. David found a beagle wandering in the woods/park that where he eats lunch. He was wet and had no collar, so David brought him home. The little boy is about 1/2 Puck’s size, but has the same predominantly black markings. He doesn’t have the striking white markings but his eyes are amazing. And they seem to like each other. However, the little beagle doens’t know what to make of Valentine, so I have my kitty resting in the bedroom away from the howling monster.

I really hope we find his parents. I didn’t want to take him to Animal Control, they don’t do shit to find the parents. So we are going to take care of the little thing and put up flyers to see if we can find his family.

He’s a pretty boy, so if we don’t find who he belong with, then I have my pack of bagels and my life is complete.

I have to go to 2 Master classes this month. I thought this was going to be an issue, but the bosses just said “yeah” and moved on with the conversation. I was all ready for a fight, to lay the ultimatum down. They deflated my argument, and in a sense, I am relieved. The end will come, but I want it to come on my terms.

Rode to work behind a dildo in a H2 this morning. Those vehicles offend me. They are so gluttonous. My scooter would fit into the back of one. So would my dog, cat, boyfriend, apartment….you get the gist. There is this website that I have been trying to contribute to for months now. I am carrying my camera with me everywhere. But it’s hard as hell to catch a pic of an H2 from the back of a Vespa. It’s do-able, but I don’t want to get into accident number three.
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Selected at random these words make me think of:
Dog - Puck
Wall - Pink Floyd
Street - skinned knees
Sympathy - lacking
Purse - red
Child - adoption
Forgive - the sperm donor
Intelligent - Derick
Betrayal - family
Toy - Fairvilla
Pleasure - tickles
Weather - rain
Hero - Thesus
Antagonist - the stepsibling
Candy - gummy cherries
Book - more
Blessing - David
Jail - never
Freedom - is an illusion
Faith - Nature
Sex - yes
Cream - icky
Flow - red (sorry I’m on my period)
Jingle - wind chime
Family - heirarchy
Love - fragile
Time - flows

She bears the same name as my daughter, a friend before I bore the shame of illegitimacy. When North Carolina’s sunsets filtered through the pines, I watched her hair catch flame. Her beauty was unconventional, like her attitude towards life. In my memory she was a wild one, introducing me to the finer points of drunkenness. My second lover was the result of her intervention. We spied each other at a fair, and he carried an Elvis poster. She giggled when I wrote my number on his hand. Then we graduated. The intentions were there, but the follow through wasn’t. That was ten long years ago, and I wonder if she remembers when I told her I loved her. She passed out right after calling me a lesbian.
I believe she was there for me, when I was pregnant and alone. I spoke to her when I was in labor. She wanted to be there, to hold my hand, but the phone call was enough. My sins and transgressions were known by her long before I understood the complexity of their ways. When we were in high school Army men fascinated us. I dated Eric. She introduced us, and like all relationships during that point in my life, it didn’t last.

I wonder what happened to her sparkly green VW Rabbit. We had many adventures in that car.