Moody Meow

Furry chin hairs that shone in the sun, keeper of the unwanted beagles, you gifted me with joy. I hope your work was able to keep the grief at bay.

You locked the doors when you told me I needed help. We broke up because of a beautiful boy. I did everything I could to destroy our friendship. Sadly, it worked.

I graduated from Rollins College. And a year later, life is so different. But I want to send congrats to Kat — I wish I could be there to see you walk… have fun today.

Beautiful, dangerous, primal, strong enough to dominate me. Do you know why I didn’t choose you? When you gave me my Valentine’s Day card, I saw someone else’s name scratched out.

Birthmother, wise eyes, sweet smelling office, you guided me down the path, and let me find my own way. You told me I’m not alone. I think I finally believe you.

You bought me a copper flower that smelled like roses. I realized, many years later that it wasn’t you that broke my heart, it was me. I hope you married her.

**Note** I’m going to get a little ahead here so that I can spend my weekend on my own writing**

One night’s conversation turned into a 10 year long-distance tumultuous friendship. You manage to piss me off, even from California. But you’ve grown up, and turned into a good person. Surprised?

This has to be one of the funniest essays I’ve ever read. Of course it piqued my interest because I’m a vegetarian, but honestly, it speaks the truth. Living in Portland, I’m spoiled by the many choices out there. And I know full well that when I go back East for school I’ll be living on french fries and cheese sandwiches again. But I’m okay with that.

The whole section about tofu — fucking priceless.

And also, my sister, the meat-eater extroidanirre loved Vita Cafe. I’m very proud that she’s flexible enough and open minded enough to go to a place like that…. but now she knows what it feels like to be a veggie in a world gone meat

Let me know what you think…

Does coffee give you gas? Or is it just that time when I have to poo in the morning? Who knows. I don’t put milk in my coffee anymore, so I know it’s not the lactose thing. Chill out, there, Sparky. I still like my coffee all creamy, but I use soy creamer now. There’s nothing worse than the stench of rotten milk. Except baby shit…that’s not my favorite smell in the world. Ooohh…and the smell of that hellspawn animal under our house. It may be a possum. Don’t ask me to look though.

I medicated myself to sleep last night. Hard drugs…you know…
*whispering*
Benadryl…. shhh….

Seriously, an hour after I take that stuff I’m sleeeeeeping like a leetle bambino. I’ve needed it. I’m “diamond in the ass” wound up. Meaning? Jam a peice of coal up my colon and … PRESTOCHANGO! Shazzam! Diamond in less than 10 seconds.

Wait. Maybe that’s why I have gas. Diamonds!

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Obama won NC. Wh00t!

• Fucking, only in Florida. Teacher gets in trouble for wizardry. Jeezus.
• Tooth check. Make ‘em better naturally. I heart black tea.
• Easy targets - fishermen (maybe) shoot sea lions at dam. This is a local issue to Portland, and the upper NW, but I think it resonates. Regardless of your beliefs, killing an animal in a trap is just fucking stupid. Unless you are into that whole “sport” hunting thing like Cheney. I understand that people are frustrated by the lack of salmon, and that these creatures are eating them up, but people dammed up the rivers. Want to blame someone, look in the mirror.
• Lifehacker tips for blogging. I need to use these more often.
• Big booty = less chance of diabetes! W0000 h000! I knew having a fat ass would do some some good someday.
• I’m all giddy for Batman, but Two-face looks fucked up. Hmm.

It’s a touch early, but D and I renewed our lease verbally yesterday with the landlady. She wanted to make sure we wanted to stay in the place. It’s damn hard to find rental properties here in Portland, damn hard. And although the house is far from perfect, it’s still our place, and it can only be as good as we make it. So, the gardening will begin shortly and maybe I’ll even fix the tiles on the porch (the enntire front porch is tiled). I can’t believe I graduated from Rollins almost a year ago, and I’m through my first year as a master’s student. Time sure does fly. There still aren’t any solid plans to return to the flaccid penis state…except maybe in November to surprise his Momma for her birthday. That’s WAY up in the air right now. We’ll see….

I’m off to meetings in Battle Ground. Remind me to tell you about the hawks and the highway.

Brilliant, loud, enthusiastic, warm, a gifted professor. You inspired me to become a fearless writer. Besides David, were the only one who liked my shaved head. And you gave me gold.

You make “snakeshit” funny. Every time I eat a mint patty, I can taste our summers together. You have a way with Nature that boggles the mind. Even birds listen to you.

Trapped in a curtain of pain, you died years ago in my eyes. The fierce woman with a soft spot for kisses is gone. Your body holds on, forgetting to die.

Note: I thought about explaining this, but I won’t. It’s my own pain that I deal with when it comes to her. And I won’t justify believing that she’s better off without the pain.

I didn’t ride to work.

I had nightmares all last night, and D said I woke him up screaming “I hate you!” in the middle of the night. My weeks is not starting off as smoothly as I’d hoped.

The glasses thing really bugs the shit out of me. I can’t see. I’m going to get a headache.

I didn’t ride because I didn’t sleep, and I got all freaked out about not knowing the route. What happened to being fierce? I’m a badass bitch…who seems to have some overpowering fear of getting lost. Le sigh. I need to find my fearlessness. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m afraid of. But today I’m going to track the ride home in the car so I can figure out where the bike trail ends. They are laying a new Max line, and the construciton ate the part of the bike trail that ran RIGHT behind my job. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

And I just got a papercut. Freaking great.

Now, I’m bleeding all over my paperwork and I don’t have any pirate band-aids handy.

Fuck this…I’m gonna drink my coffee and try to breathe. This funk will not last. It’s only fucking MONDAY!

/end tantrum

• was not impressed with Ironman, but D liked it. B was entertained as well. Oh well, at least I got to see the trailers for Indy and Batman.
• The weather is amazing right now. Sunny, clear and just cool enough to keep you from overheating.
• Making progress on the school stuff.
• Saw Amandapants @ Cup and Saucer and spent waaay too much time enjoying her company.
• Realized that Ihop’s pancakes don’t suck that bad, but their coffee is awful.
• Had to go to a babyshower while at work. I hate babies. And showers. And cute, pink things that make grown women “squee” — that’s amanda’s word and I’m stealing it.
• Updated the blog with the newest version of Wordpress. I like.
• Will ride my bike to work tomorrow morning without trying the route out with D. It’s time to take a ride.

The plans for the week are pretty tight. Lots of work, not enough time. But hey, its’s life. And congrats to Cat on her new car. I love the color.

No one understands us, for we are so different. But you possess forgiveness in quantities not known on this earth. You’re amazing. Although, I agree, I think you are adopted. Hehehehe

I know less of you than I should. You make me laugh until I pee my pants and smile until my face hurts. And you make all curse words fun.

This is the blog entries where I sit and wallow in introspection and discuss those things that mean the most to me: The Moosey restraunt with the soup, family ties, writing, and my period.

First, because it’s the most soap-opera-ish of the bunch, the family ties. I’ll keep it brief. My stepmother lives about a half hour away from my sister now. We found this out on Tuesday. While it means nothing to my day to day life. She will never be welcome in my house, it does irk me. I was happy in Florida, if for no other reason, that my stepmother would never be down there. And at the time, I knew my father would also never make a trip to the land of swampwater and misquitoes (and killer sunsets, amazing trees, and the best flowers known to man). I’m hedging a little on the father issue, but that’s for another blog post. Anyway, my stepmother, who seems to have forgotten her transgression against me and my siblings, wants to spark up a new, shiny relationship with my sister. I don’t begrudge Lex that opportunity, but I warned her to be cautious. So did our Mom. For now, it really doesn’t rattle my cage. I’m bothered that she’s just hours from my house, but if she ever showed up, I would slam the door in her face. I’ll never regret moving here. I’m grateful for every sunny day (I saw Mt. Hood on the way to work, skirted in clouds, and it made me very happy), for my friends here, for the relaitonships I’m building and those that I am now closer to. Nothing will ever change that, not even people from my past that I wish would dissappear.

The Blue Moose, my favorite veggie restraunt in Portland, is reopening today! wh00t! SOUP! I’m into comfort food, and D and I love the place because it’s homey and welcoming. And they always have good food. But with the fire they had back in March, they’ve been closed all this time. So, when I was sick - no Moosey. When I was sad - no Moosey. Today I am tired, but I still get Moosey. Yay!

I am still playing ketchup with the writing thing. I have a HUGE deadline - like the end one for the fucking semester, next week and I want to get everything finished ON time, with some kind of skill. I turned back in my project approval chapters. If they aren’t approved, then….I think I held back a term. Which would offically blow, but what are you going to do? So, if you want to talk to me in the next 2 weeks, send a messenger pigeon. Although, D has been BEGGING me to see Ironman, and C&B want to see it as well. I got voted off the “that’s a cheesy movie” island. So, we will see it this weekend.

I still think  it’s going to be crap. But D’s just waiting for me to eat my words.

I was going to talk about my period, and the size of pads now, but I think I should actually get to work. I’ll rant about the forehead-sized pads laster.

Mmm…coffee. Read the rest of this entry »

The child I gave away, full of life, wonder, and the same darkness that plagues me. You danced beneath my heart. I know I made the right decision. I love you.

Artist, huzzie, wild-woman tamer, better half is truer today than it’s ever been. I will always love you.

Claire, one of my favorite bloggers, started this project, x365.org. 

After reading her entries for a few weeks, and tracking back to the original blog, I’ve decided to take a stab at this. There won’t always be names. But impressions and details mean a lot to me. I think it may help me develop characters for my future writings. The other kicker, beyond posting every fracking day, is that you use the number of words equal to your years. For me, that’s 31. (oh…and fuck grammar!) So, here we go: 

Erica (me)

Slow to realize things about herself, ever doubting her future as a writer, she sees herself as a scholarly nerd, a tattooed pussycat, a rebel with many causes, a cook.